


over and over

by loonaloves



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: College AU, F/F, but jungeun is hard to get, fluff if u squint, fuckgirl jinsoul, good girl jungeun, jinsoul just kinda goes for it lmao, mostly angst, she accidentally falls in love with her, she wants to fuck jungeun basically, so while jinsoul tries to get jungeun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-06-10 09:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 45,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15288960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonaloves/pseuds/loonaloves
Summary: Jinsoul promised herself that she would never fall in love, that everything she does would be a "no strings attached" kinda fling. But once she meets Jungeun, everything changes. All she wants is to win her over, the girl who was hard to get. And she was going to get her no matter what. Even if that means breaking her one rule in the process.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> so i'm just gonna spam all my wattpad fics here real quick lmao i'm soRRYDJRKFJE anyway this fic is just angst. maybe a fluffy ending if i feel nice but like it's just fuckin angst dmdkdhs (i'm chuufics on wp)

The music blasted through Jinsoul's ears as she held the half-empty red polo cup in her hand loosely. Her other arm held some other chick who was at the party, despite never seeing her before. The girl held onto Jinsoul's waist, whispering something to Jinsoul that she couldn't quite make out over the music.

The crowd was full, drunken bodies dancing with each other and making out sloppily with someone they've more than likely had never previously interacted with before. But Jinsoul wasn't any different from those people, it seemed as if every night you could find her at a party with a new girl in her arms. She'd take her back to her dorm, do what she'd like with the girl, and leave her the next day. It was more of a routine than anything now, but Jinsoul couldn't imagine a life deprived of this kind of pleasure every night. She felt like she was living the golden life, what more could she want?

That was an easy question to answer once her eyes found the body that belonged to somebody she'd been wanting for longer than she could remember. She wanted to ruin her, to watch her fall apart beneath her touch, to use as she would another one of the other girls for a night. But the person she wanted was the last person who'd end up getting themselves into a hook up with Jinsoul.

_Kim Jungeun._

She never went to parties before, so what was different about tonight? Jungeun is a good student, tops all her classes, always has her nose in a book, and would rather die than be found in a public situation like this. But Jinsoul's eyes followed the dress down Jungeun's body, and by the way it hugged her that tight and it stopped abruptly at her mid-thigh, she almost forgot about the kind of girl she was. 

Jungeun held an open can of beer in her hand as she stood in the corner of the room, phone shining in her face. _Of course she was hiding in the corner... Who could have dragged her here?_

Jinsoul has had few interactions with Jungeun, but enough for Jungeun to stay persistent on not giving into Jinsoul's filthy desires. Jinsoul was more than open about these kinds of things, and quite frankly had no shame about it, either. Her ego might have been too inflated for her own good, but it was an asset she accidentally flaunted often.

Every time Jungeun saw Jinsoul approach her, she'd quickly rush away before she could reach her. She knew all Jinsoul was good for was a one night stand and, if you're lucky, getting to sleep in her bed with her until morning. A girl like Jungeun would be the last one you'd see around a girl like Jinsoul, but she couldn't help but think about giving in from time to time. She'd shake it off, _no, don't think about that,_ but secretly, she loved the words Jinsoul fed her. Her words were wrong, maybe even dirty, but the way it came out of her mouth so confidently and without hesitance made it difficult for Jungeun to contain herself, remember her morals.

She remembers their first interaction. Jungeun had only heard about the rumors of her nasty habits, _what a player,_ she'd think. But she didn't have to think anymore, now that she was one of Jinsoul's pretty little targets.

_Jungeun was just about to enter the library when she saw a tall, pretty blonde girl standing at the door, arms crossed over her chest. Her shirt was loose, opposing completely to her jeans, which hugged her body tightly. She mentally slapped herself for checking the girl out, only allowing it for a few more seconds before the girl spoke up._

_"Kim Jungeun, is it? Good girl, good grades... How'd I know you'd be here?" The girl grew a cocky smirk as Jungeun stared at her in complete oblivion and awe. How did she know her name, when Jungeun has not once seen this girl before? She must've been a year or two ahead of her, as Jungeun felt insecure and small under her dark stare._

_"Not much of a talker, huh? C'mon, babe, use your words. Y'know me, don't you?" The tall blonde tried to pull a response from Jungeun, but rather than responding with words, she violently shook her head 'no'._

_The girl chuckled at this, "Maybe I should introduce myself then. Jung Jinsoul," she held out her hand as if to shake it with Jungeun's. Once Jungeun hesitantly accepted the handshake invite, she knew what she had signed up for. The name now rings a bell in her mind, as all the rumors about her flooded her memory. Jung Jinsoul, the playgirl, the woman user, the- undeniably- beautiful girl standing in front of her, making the slightest skinship with her as she held her hand, slowly becoming less of a handshake as Jinsoul intertwined their fingers together. "But please, call me as you'd like, babe," Jinsoul said, getting closer to Jungeun's face as she ever so slightly brushed her lips from her jaw up to her ear, voice turning into a deep whisper. "Maybe I can hear you tonight, then, since you don't want to speak now?"_

_Jinsoul chuckled darkly as she heard a whimper emerge from Jungeun's throat. "I could have you on your knees in seconds, princess. If only you knew, the th-" Jinsoul got quickly cut off by Jungeun's sudden confidence as she found her voice._

_"Trust me, Jinsoul, I'm the last girl you'll be seeing on their knees for you. And if you don't leave now, I might have to smack that cocky smirk right off your face, got it?" Jungeun said fiercely, surprising herself with her courageousness. It seems to have shocked Jinsoul as well, if you were lucky enough to catch her mouth agape and eyes lost, almost defeated-looking- a look she only wore for a split second, before wearing her signature smirk again._

_"I'll let you think that... But when you can't resist it anymore, I'll be waiting," Jinsoul left as Jungeun scoffed._

_"As if." But Jungeun, too, knew that it would only be a matter of time until she completely lost her sanity and gives in to Jinsoul._

She was brought back from her thoughts as she felt someone's arm wrap around her waist.

"Kim Jungeun... What a surprise seeing you in such a place like this. What's such a good girl like you doing here?"

_Speak of the devil._


	2. one

"Oh, God," Jungeun rolled her eyes and pried the girl's arm off of herself. "Let me live a little, Jinsoul. Exams are next week and I needed to relieve some stress. Not too likely now that you're here bugging me, though..."

Jinsoul laughed as she finished eye-fucking Jungeun, which was the closest Jungeun would _ever_ let Jinsoul get to fucking her. "Oh, come on, babe. We both know you would have been stuck in this corner all night if it wasn't for me, so don't act like you're not affected by my company."

"I am. I'm disgusted by it."

Jinsoul snickered, shaking her head as she held onto Jungeun's wrist to drag her through the crowd. They ended up in the middle of drunken bodies and lust-filled chaos, which Jinsoul didn't seem to be put off by it in the slightest.

"What if I can help you have a good time?" Jinsoul began to dance with little effort, both her hands wrapped around Jungeun's wrists as she swayed her hips. Her smile was lazy as she moved with the music of the blasting speakers.

"I'd honestly be surprised if you could grant me any happiness at this dumb party..." Jungeun wanted to snap her wrists out of Jinsoul's grip, but from the amount of alcohol she's had before this, she couldn't notice. All she was trying focus on was the fact that the girl who's probably hooked up with more women than Jungeun could count was trying to make Jungeun have a ' _good time_ '. She huffed, repeating her morals over and over in her head.

"Seems like you've had enough drinks to let me at least try," Jinsoul smirked as she started to move Jungeun by her grip on her wrists as if she were a marionette. It seemed to be working, though, considering Jungeun soon found her own rhythm to the beat.

"Trust me, no amount of alcohol could convince me to get into _your_ bed," Jungeun had to stop herself from rolling her eyes again, as she faked a grunt to try and further convey her annoyance.

"Maybe we'll see by the end of the night," Jinsoul's hands slowly slipped down and found their way into Jungeun's palms. "You can't reject me just yet, you'll see. I'm irresistible." Jungeun groaned at Jinsoul doing the impossible, making her not-so-little ego reveal itself even more than it has been.

"Irresistibly punchable," Jungeun avoided eye contact with Jinsoul as she looked at anything else she could get her eyes on, ignoring Jinsoul's loose, yet undeniably attractive outfit. Jinsoul laughed at Jungeun's remark. Being hard to get was one of Jungeun's many charms that had attracted Jinsoul like a magnet. She wanted to get her, to chase her down and have her exactly where she wanted her. She wanted to ruin her completely, and, with enough influence, Jinsoul was determined to make that tonight. She was already a step ahead of where she had previously been, considering Jungeun wasn't slapping her across the face at their intertwined hands.

Jinsoul lead Jungeun in their dance, and maybe, just _maybe_ , Jungeun was having a little fun. A little. The tiniest speck, and it was _only_ because she wasn't looking at the person she was dancing with. If Jinsoul had any plans of getting into Jungeun's pants tonight, consider them good as gone, Jungeun was not giving in already. Or, preferably, ever.

"Why don't you look at me?" Jinsoul tried to meet Jungeun's eye, but to no prevail.

"Because I might barf all over you. Unless you're into that, which is quite possible considering you're _Jung Jinsoul_ ," Jungeun spat the name irritably, feeling herself getting pulled closer to the girl.

"Oh, boohoo, just look at me wuss. It's not like we're gonna make out anyways, with that persistence of yours."

Jungeun snapped her head up to meet Jinsoul's half-lidded glare, dark yet so light. _Okay, I guess she's pretty. But who cares! Not gonna fool me, miss 'fuck and go'._

"You're quite the one to talk about persistence, considering you've continued to hit on me after how many rejections?"

"You're hard to get. I like it, it's exciting," Jinsoul didn't dare move any closer, because if she had, the pair would have been squished against each other. She wanted to take this slow, wait until later to try things. "Who knows how loud the quiet girl can get?"

"I will slap you. And tell me I won't," Jungeun's jaw clenched at Jinsoul's arrogance. She looked at their hands, holding each other's. Before pulling away, she looked at the time on Jinsoul's watch. Well past midnight.

"Fuck, I have to go," Jungeun skipped a step and tried to run before Jinsoul caught a grip on her arm.

"No, wait-"

"Jinsoul, give up. I'm not going on my knees for you, alright? Not tonight, not ever. I have homework to do and sleep to catch up on and tests to study for. So if you'll excuse me-"

"Come to my dorm. I have notes, borrow them," Jinsoul bargained. She took some of the same classes Jungeun did, and actually took adequate notes with readable handwriting.

But Jungeun scoffed, almost bursting out in laughter. " _Me?_ Take notes from _you_?" She let out a light chuckle at the idea. "Don't make me laugh. I'm a top student, your grades almost make me pity you, if it wasn't for your douchebag personality."

"I'm not a douche, I just like to fuck girls, does that make me a villain??" Jinsoul rolled her eyes, not releasing her grip on the girl.

"No, it doesn't. It's the fact that you hook up with a new one each night and probably can't even remember the last one's name," Jungeun snapped, struggling to get out of Jinsoul's hold.

"That's not true-"

"Really? Name her for me, then. Name the girl that you've fucked last night, why don't you? Hmm? Trust me, I'm all ears," Jungeun cocked her eyebrows up at Jinsoul's lack of a response. "That's exactly what I thought. You can't even remember her _name_. But you know what she's doing right now? Crying over the girl who left her after a quick fuck, the girl who charmed her way into her pants and threw her out once she was done. You know how shit she feels right now? How she can remember your name so well, yet you can't even bother to do the same?"

Jinsoul's jaw was slack, hearing the words come from Jungeun's mouth like arrows shooting into a bullseye, shooting her right where she knew it would hurt. But Jinsoul couldn't say anything, couldn't give her a snarky remark, not even a flirty one. Because what Jungeun was saying, every point she made and emphasized, every feeling she explained so intricately, was all true. She couldn't say anything, because everything she could say would only prove Jungeun's point further.

"Goodbye, Jinsoul," Jungeun left out of Jinsoul's limp and loosening grip as Jinsoul's entire body felt as if it was going numb. She knew this already, she knew this all. She knew how every girl felt after being left. Isn't it what they signed up for? Everyone knew Jinsoul wasn't the one to do relationships, to keep a girl for more than a night. But every girl still threw themselves at her, wanted to be the one who gains entrance into her heart. But the only entrance they get is a 30-minute ticket into Jinsoul's bed, maybe longer if they're really good.

She knew this- so why did it hurt when Jungeun explained it? She remembers the grip she had on Jungeun not even five minutes ago, that burned into her hand as it caressed another woman's waist, one that wasn't as holdable and inviting as hers. Her hands burned with the feeling of Jungeun on them as she held another girl close, Jungeun's words echoing in her head as tears filled her eyes, her lips attaching onto the girl's. She kissed her passionately, trying to mute out her mind screaming those words at her again. She gripped impossibly tighter on the girl's waist as she closed her eyes harder and deepened the kiss further. But no matter what she did, the truth was inevitable and inescapable.

_She won't even remember her name._

\---

Jungeun found herself running to her dorm, running far away from the house the party took place in. Her feet pounded harshly onto the ground as she speeded to get back to the only place she knew. She doesn't know how she built up that courage and stood up to Jinsoul, who could have easily set Jungeun back into her place as a good, quiet girl. But Jinsoul looked so affected by those words, and, Jungeun couldn't tell for sure, but maybe even hurt. Why? It was the truth, and Jungeun was sure Jinsoul already knew about everything Jungeun shit on her for. Was it the shock of hearing someone else say it that triggered sorrow in her? Jungeun almost laughed at the idea, _Jinsoul? Sorrow?_ How could she even put the two in the same sentence!

Her feet came to an abrupt stop as her legs wobbled weakly at the door to her dorm room. She struggled with the key for a minute until she finally pushed to door open, kicking it closed as she face planted into her mattress. She almost fell asleep before remembering her unfinished notes and homework to catch up on. She groaned so loudly and disappointingly that it was more like a growl than anything else.

She moved to sit in her chair as she held the pencil loosely in her hand, groggily rubbing her eyes. She managed to get in a page of notes or two and half a homework assignment done before her head met the desk as she began snoring.

\---

It was 6:30 in the morning, yet the sun has already risen and blinded Jinsoul in her sleep- if you could call it that. She couldn't rest well to the fact that when she opened her eyes again, she'd be next to another one of the hundred nameless girls Jinsoul would use for a one night stand. Jungeun was absolutely right, no matter how much she wanted to deny her accusations. She didn't want to believe them, _I'm not the bad guy, the girls know what they're signing up for when they're wrapped around me!_ But she sighed instead, admitting to herself that most of the innocent girls she's hooked up with were highly intoxicated. God, she can even recall all the shameful looks on their faces as they left Jinsoul's dorm! It didn't hurt to see them like that. Regretful and ashamed of themselves for fucking Jinsoul. _Really, it didn't,_ she told herself again.

Jinsoul felt kicking at her legs coming from feet that did not belong to herself. She opened her eyes in a daze to meet the sleeping girl next to her. She was peacefully unconscious, but Jinsoul couldn't let her stay much longer. She gently tapped at her shoulder. She felt guilty, touching this girl again. As if she shouldn't be touching her, especially after the way she had touched her the night before. She groaned, wanting to shake away the unfamiliar feeling.

"Mm?" The girl awakened slowly, stretching out and sprawling herself across the bed before making eye contact with the person she found herself next to. How could she let herself sleep with her?! She quickly sat up and scanned the room for her panties, noticing her lack of one under the large t-shirt she wore.

"Here," Jinsoul raised her arm up to the girl and handed her the thing she was looking for. Jinsoul watched the girl scurry around the room to grab her other belongings before almost making her way out of Jinsoul's bedroom, getting stopped suddenly by Jinsoul's question.

"What's your name?"

The girl was surprised at the question. She couldn't even remember her name? They slept together less than six hours ago! "Haseul. But please don't tell anyone about this, I-"

"Don't worry, babe," Jinsoul lazily gave the girl a smile accompanied with a thumbs up. "I just wanted your name."

Haseul stared at the girl in confusion for a moment before exiting the room, shortly after taking a walk of shame out of the complex. She sighed, walking the sad and lonely path that a hundred other pathetic-hearted girls had walked. She couldn't believe her name was added to that list.

\---

Jungeun could barely focus during class, her eyes drifting to dreamland every time she looked down to take notes. The night prior was beyond exhausting, as Jungeun found herself running on a solid three hours of sleep. Even her professor seemed confused at her odd behavior today. As everyone was filling in class work, he took the time to check up on her.

"Jungeun," she was startled by his voice, but straightened her posture as she saw him kneeling in front of her at the table she sat at.

"Professor Kim," Jungeun gave a slight smile to the teacher, trying to stop her eyelids from sagging.

"Are you alright? You are... not like yourself today. Were you at a party last night?" He whispered to her so other students couldn't hear, as if she would be ashamed to admit her whereabouts.

"Uhh," she hesitated, not sure whether or not honesty was going to give her the best results. "I was studying. A lot." Partially true.

Professor Kim smiled at this and raised himself back up into stance, patting Jungeun on the shoulder, "I understand. I know you are going to do great on the exams anyway, do not fear!"

She nodded and smiled at him, feeling fully awake after the embarrassing interaction that kept her eyes wide open. But still, she couldn't focus. The only thing her mind would center on was her interaction with Jinsoul yesterday, how she let her hold her hands like that, how she danced with her.

"Stupid," Jungeun muttered to herself, causing a few nearby classmates to turn their heads to her. She awkwardly laughed it off and quickly scribbled down unnecessary notes to distract herself from her intrusive thoughts.

Jinsoul sat in the back of class, always. She watched Jungeun in one of the front rows, taking notes at an extreme pace and struggling to keep up with everything. Jinsoul calmly wrote down a sentence or two about something important to keep in mind about music theory. Despite the specific topic being boring to Jinsoul, music has been a big aspiration to her since she was little. Music production mostly, since she wasn't happy with her vocal abilities. If only she had a dollar for every time someone told her to give up on singing, maybe then she'd be able to pay this damn tuition.

She watched the clock carefully as it ticked time for dismissal. She sat for a few more minutes before the professor finally let them escape. She rushed out of the room quickly and made her way to the library door.

She checked her backpack when she heard footsteps coming down the hallway, as she quickly rushed to swing it back over her shoulders. The click-clacking of heels becoming louder as the person neared, coming to a sudden stop as they saw Jinsoul waiting there for them.

"...Jinsoul?" Jungeun furrowed her eyebrows, slowly pulling open the door to the library. Jinsoul entered the door as Jungeun opened it, waiting for her to step inside.

"Haseul," Jinsoul said, making direct eye contact with Jungeun as she closed the library door behind them.

"What?" Jungeun only grew more confused at Jinsoul's sudden appearance. The last time she saw her at the library was when they met, and it was quite odd for Jinsoul to be at such a place.

"Her name was Haseul," Jinsoul stated quickly. It took a second for Jungeun to register what the hell Jinsoul meant by this girl's name, until it finally clicked. Her question from last night. _Do you even remember her name?_

"I'm impressed, she must've been pretty good for you to remember that, hm?" Jinsoul avoided this question as she followed Jungeun to a table, taking a seat next to her.

"What... are you doing?" Jungeun asked, ready to ward off any sexual comments that she senses are coming her way.

"Just wanted to stop by, say hello, prove a point... You know," Jinsoul shrugged, readjusting the baseball cap she wore over her blonde hair. She pulled a textbook out of her backpack, along with a notebook and a laptop. Jungeun suddenly felt inferior with her now puny-looking notebook filled with notes from the earlier class. Jungeun's mouth dropped once she saw the kind of supplies Jinsoul used for notes.

"How- How do you even have time to take these notes?!" Jungeun pointed to Jinsoul's notebook, full of bright and pretty notes, admitting her envy. "Where do you find the time between all your fucking around and partying to do this?!"

Jinsoul laughed, "I don't study much, don't freak out on me. I like music though, the only class I'm excelling in."

"And the rest?" Jungeun inquired with the cock of an eyebrow.

"We don't talk about them," Jinsoul laughed genuinely. _Huh. No innuendoes yet._ Jungeun was prepared for a disgusting flirt to fly her way, already thinking of snarky comebacks. But it was silent, completely quiet between the two of them for the next few hours as they studied, the only talking they exchanged being Jungeun asking to borrow notes or look at a page in the textbook.

As soon as Jungeun started packing up, Jinsoul did the same, deciding it was time to leave. Has she ever studied for so long? She put everything back into her backpack messily as she scrambled to catch up with Jungeun, who was about to leave the library.

"You like music, too, I'm assuming," Jinsoul quickly began a topic. She was very passionate about music, so if they shared any common ground, it could be easier to talk. Once talking becomes easy, Jungeun must give in. That's how she'll win her over, slowly and steadily, but surely. Right?

"Mhm," Jungeun gave a quick and bland response, which opposed to her true, passionate feelings for music. But what good would Jinsoul be if Jungeun wanted to talk about music?

"Should've knew, I guess," Jinsoul awkwardly laughed. She didn't know how to act near Jungeun if she wasn't being flirtatious. She felt small and vulnerable and even insecure around the beautiful girl. She couldn't boost her own ego by watching Jungeun become flustered over something she could say, because that will push her away at this point. She walked by Jungeun's side stiffly and uncomfortably, not knowing what advances she should make next.

"Okay... What happened?" Jungeun had to ask. "Just last night you were bragging to me about how you were going to win me over, and not even 24 hours later you're making no sexual innuendoes at all! I'm not exactly sure what your goal is here, but don't expect to become my friend. Because I know what that leads up to," she told Jinsoul strictly, making sure she knows whatever happens between the two of them will grow no bigger than acquaintance level.

Jinsoul sighed, "Yeah.. I know. Actually, I wanted to apologize..." The words caught Jungeun off guard. Was she hearing this correctly? Jinsoul wanted to _apologize????_ If she was confused before, she was absolutely dazed now. "Last night, what you said. It's all I could think about. I... I don't know how you managed to stick this with me. I've always been aware of this, but I guess... Not _aware_ aware of it." Jinsoul continued talking at a way too fast rate. "And I, god, how do I say this without sounding pathetic? I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm sorry for, but this feeling, this grudge I'm holding against myself that won't leave unless I say it... I guess I really am a douchebag, huh?" She stared into the ground, feeling Jungeun's eyes burning into her.

Surprised wasn't a strong enough word to explain what Jungeun felt. "I... You- Wh-" She couldn't get words out, all of them getting caught in her throat. Jinsoul _apologized_. And sincerely, at that. Jinsoul really did have a heart, have feelings, under all that 'tough-guy' attitude. She seems so vulnerable and shy now, almost making Jungeun forget what Jinsoul was otherwise like.

"And I'm sorry to you, too. I won't annoy you again. I just..." Jinsoul sighed, finding the words. "I wanted a challenge, and you seemed like one. But you don't want me that way, I understand now. Actually, you don't want me any way. So I just wanted to say sorry. You won't have to deal with me again, I promise," Jinsoul weakly smiled at her, finally making eye contact. She was about to walk away when she felt a tug at her wrist.

"Jinsoul... I forgive you. Stay with me, please." Jungeun now felt as if _she_ was the desperate one, but she didn't care. She liked this Jinsoul, the kind that got flustered at her hand wrapped around her wrist. The kind that was insecure and shy and not making any dirty advances. The kind that could apologize for an issue that, honestly, wasn't that big to Jungeun, but for some reason stuck with Jinsoul. The kind that had sparkles in her eyes when she looked at Jungeun, rather than lust-filled dark ones. This side of her intrigued Jungeun. She wanted to learn more about this Jinsoul, the open and cute and flustered one. This Jinsoul, she wanted to know. She wanted to learn and hear what this Jinsoul has to say.

She liked this Jinsoul. A lot.


	3. two

"No. I have to go," Jinsoul wriggled her wrist out of Jungeun's hand, standing still for a second more to look at her. She couldn't believe what she had just done. She said she was sorry. To Jungeun. For what? Not even Jinsoul was sure of that. Why did she put herself in such a vulnerable situation?

She turned on her heels so her back was now facing Jungeun as she ran away. She ran away from Jungeun, ran away from the kind of person she could turn Jinsoul into. What the hell was she thinking? She even promised to stop annoying her! She laughed sourly as her eyes burned with the wind crashing onto them. _As if she would ever stop her chase._ She's just... taking a break. Letting Jungeun run ahead a little, yeah? Because considering their interaction a minute ago, it wouldn't be hard to catch.

She loves the chase, not Jungeun. _Yeah._ Not Jungeun.

She was aching all over as she reached her dorm complex, with Jungeun no where in sight. Of course she wouldn't have tried to catch up with Jinsoul, followed her here. So why was Jinsoul hurt when she didn't? She shook her head, fiddling with her keys as she walked into her dorm, finally letting the tears fall. She slid her back down the door until she was sitting against it, face buried in her hands.

"Woah, woah, you okay?" She heard her roommate call out. "You're, like, crying."

"Thanks," Jinsoul would roll her eyes if they weren't already so worked up and exhausted. "I didn't notice."

Sooyoung, her roommate, stepped closer, squatting down to place a hand on the crying girl's shoulder. "I didn't mean it like that. What happened, Jinsoul?" Jinsoul lifted her head from her hands to meet Sooyoung's gaze, that burned into her eyes with worry and concern. Jinsoul wanted to gag, she could handle things on her own. But she was always there for Sooyoung, so Sooyoung had to return the favor for this odd occurrence. She'd never seen Jinsoul cry before.

"I'd tell you if I knew, Sooyoung," Jinsoul bit her quivering lip as she wanted more than anything to stop being a fucking child and grow up. Jungeun doesn't like her, that's that. And her speech last night should have made that more than clear.

"You know why you're upset. You're just hiding it from me."

"No, really-"

"Whatever," Sooyoung stood up and shrugged, flailing both arms out so they come back and slap her thighs. "You don't have to tell me. You're fully capable of handling things on your own. I just thought-"

"There's a girl," Jinsoul cut her off, deciding its best to get what's on her chest off. "Her names Jungeun." Sooyoung sat down next to Jinsoul against the door, listening to her.

"She's a good kid, you know? So I wanted to see her ruined, like putty in my hands. But she's hard to get, she wasn't going to give up without a fight," Jinsoul almost smiled, remembering how flustered and angry she would get at her words. "I chased her down, I wanted her cornered and all mine. But... I think..." Jinsoul struggled to find the words. "When I finally caught up to her, I ran away," Jinsoul shook her head in disappointment, contrary to the sour smile on her face. "Literally."

She continued when Sooyoung didn't speak. "When I got to see her so close, so close for so long without her pushing me off, I... I don't know. Every other time I've interacted with her I could so easily let out a dirty remark and watch her churn, but this time, I couldn't. I sat there with her, for, what? Two hours? And I said nothing! I did nothing, either! I sat there and maybe even stared at her from time to time, but I couldn't think straight, Sooyoung! It felt wrong for me to say such things anymore," Jinsoul felt better talking about this, but ten times worse at the same time, the knot in her chest was confusing and so unwanted. "I said I was sorry. I don't know what for, so don't ask. I told her I'd never bother her again," Jinsoul felt tears building in her eyes again. "I don't know what I feel, but I fucking hate it. I want to shoot my chest because it feels cramped and disgusting when I think of her. I used to want her sexually, desire and crave her body. Now... I don't know how I feel. I don't know if I hate her or if I like her. I'm so fucking confused and I don't like this feeling, Sooyoung."

Sooyoung nodded understandingly, "Do you have her number?"

"No!" Jinsoul practically shouted. "And even if I did I wouldn't call her right now."

"Okay..." Sooyoung thought for another idea. "Maybe you should give yourself some space. Let yourself forget about... Whatever it is that you're feeling, and see if you still want her after that. If not, great, move on. If you do... Gee, I dunno... You're not the emotional type. Let alone romantic."

Jinsoul groaned at her words, "Don't even bring up that word. I'm not in love, I can't be. My heart's useless. Emotionless. That's not gonna change. You really think I'm gonna break my one rule?"

"No strings attached..." Sooyoung repeated the rule Jinsoul set for herself. "I'm just saying. You'll move on, just give it time. Find some other girls, drink some vodka, treat yourself, do what _you_ want, because you deserve it. Give yourself a break, let yourself forget about her. Might seem impossible now, but you'll thank me in the long run," Sooyoung patted Jinsoul's shoulders one last time before standing up again. "There's a party in a few days, Jiwoo's house. That might be a good place to start."

Jinsoul didn't have to think about it. She stayed limp against the door for a few more minutes until gaining the energy and willpower to walk herself to her bedroom.

\---

It was already getting dark out. Jungeun's hand was wrapped around a bottle of whiskey, pouring herself another shot. She agreed to help Jiwoo set up for her party, since it would help get her mind off things. What even happened that morning? What even went on with her and Jinsoul? She was still so confused, and no amount of whiskey could change that. Did _she_ get rejected by _Jinsoul_? How had their roles switched so much!? She swung her head back, bringing the shot glass to her mouth, downing her third one already.

"Hey, go easy on the alcohol. The party hasn't started and you're already drinking like a madman," Jiwoo laughed but genuinely meant what she said. Jungeun didn't even have to explain the situation to her for Jiwoo to know she was butt hurt about some insignificant event.

"I know, I'll stop now," Jungeun sighed, putting the glass back down into the counter. Jiwoo plugged in too many different variations of cords and plugs to get her speakers to actually work.

"That's what you said the last time," she laughed, still struggling with the cables. "God, why is this so damn difficult?!" She grunted, until finally setting it up correctly. Jungeun giggled at her as she stood up, heaving from all the work. The party was all set up, and now all they needed were the people.

Jungeun doesn't know why she agreed to a party again, she should have just left after setting up. Because no doubt, Jinsoul would be there.

She doesn't know why Jinsoul had been avoiding her for four days, even when Jungeun so blatantly tried to put herself in situations where Jinsoul would have to talk to her. But instead, she would just walk past, not even sparing her a glance. The one short interaction they've had was enough for Jungeun to know something was going on.

_Jinsoul stood in front of the mirror, readjusting her hair. She's been hiding in the bathroom everyday now after that event. She couldn't go to classes without thinking about her, the deprivation of her was driving Jinsoul absolutely crazy. But every time she went back to her dorm, her roommate would remind her again not to interact with the girl. 'Okay,' she'd agree every time, despite the longing to hear her voice again, talk to her._

_Another girl walked into the bathroom, stopping after passing by the girl fixing her hair. "Jinsoul."_

_Jinsoul turned around to meet Jungeun's eyes, only for a split second, before running out of the bathroom and escaping Jungeun's stare. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," she muttered to herself, rushing down the hallways with a tight grip on her backpack. Her feet stopped at the library rather than the music classroom, the class she's been skipping for days now. She slid into the chair she sat in when she was next to Jungeun that one day. She shook her head to shake off the thought. She ripped her textbook and laptop out of her bag and took notes on the lesson she was once again missing._

The room was full when Jungeun was pulled out of her thoughts again, music blowing through her ears. She looked around for the familiar girl, knowing she'd be here. She just wanted to see her, to remind herself she actually exists and isn't just a figment of her imagination at this point.

The door opened from behind her, causing Jungeun to snap her head in the direction. And finally, Jungeun got what she wanted. But not what she wished.

Jinsoul's arm was around a girl's shoulders, her other one holding a cup. Of course this is what she'd be doing, so why was Jungeun hurt? Why was she hurt by the action Jinsoul has rehearsed so many other times without faltering Jungeun? Why was it affecting her now? Her stomach twisted as she felt incapable of taking her eyes off the scenario in front of her.

Jinsoul never promised she'd stop fucking around, okay, yeah. But she did promise to stop talking to Jungeun, and that's what hurt the most. The fact she could talk to a girl she's never even met before happily and not the girl she's been talking to forever. Not the girl Jinsoul had left on her toes, just about ready to give in. Maybe the only reason she kept declining Jinsoul was to keep her near. And maybe she was starting to like having her near.

Before she could rip her eyes away, Jinsoul finally met Jungeun's gaze. She instantly dropped her jaw so it formed a small o, arm loosening around the girl. _No, it's okay,_ Jungeun mouthed to Jinsoul, faking a smile and keeping the tears in her eyes. Jinsoul faked a smile back.

Jinsoul hadn't slept with anybody after Haseul, guilt would always stop her from taking a new girl home. How could she sleep around anyway, if all she could think about was Jungeun? She doesn't notice her arm slipping off of the girl, or how her feet find their way to Jungeun's path. The only thing she can notice is the hurt in Jungeun's eyes that stared into her own. The same hurt she felt in her chest.

Jungeun got up, wanting to walk away, but instead found herself frozen still, waiting for Jinsoul to arrive. And when Jinsoul did stand in front of her, Jungeun couldn't tell if she wanted to punch or kiss her. _Wait._

_Kiss her?!_ Jungeun's eyes widened at her unfamiliar thoughts, was she out of her mind?! Did she want to get hurt, want to become another one of the girls Jinsoul fucked? No. Jinsoul was so much more than that, more than a player who'd keep a girl for a night. She knew how Jinsoul could really be, how Jinsoul could laugh so sweetly, or let go of her inflated ego. She remembers how Jinsoul smiled so shyly at the ground before running away. How her lips looked just as kissable as they do now. Jinsoul hovered her hands in a trail up Jungeun's arms, landing her palms on her shoulders. She didn't pull out of Jinsoul's touch. She let her continue. Her hands suddenly cupped Jungeun's face, holding it carefully as if it were an irreplaceable gem.

Jinsoul was too afraid to let go of Jungeun, fearing she'd run away if she escaped her touch. She stepped impossibly closer, only inches between their faces now. She looked at Jungeun's innocent, confused expression that stared into Jinsoul's sparkling eyes. Jinsoul wanted to kiss her, she wanted to _so_ badly. But it wasn't hunger or lust that made her want it this time. This time, she wanted it purely because of admiration, attraction to her. Jinsoul licked her lips as she scanned Jungeun's face, still cupping it in her hands.

Jungeun wondered if Jinsoul would do it. If she was going to make the move. Because Jungeun knew damn well that she wanted it now, and she wasn't going to fight it now. She wanted Jinsoul to kiss her, _oh my god, did I just say that?_ She almost whimpered as Jinsoul left mere centimeters between the two, so close yet still too far for Jungeun. She could feel Jinsoul's hot breath on her lips as she blinked slowly. Anticipation was killing her, and she couldn't tell if she was frozen and numb or shaky. She looked down at her lips again, wanting to kiss her more than anything else she could desire right now.

_God dammit, stop thinking, Jungeun._ She inhaled sharply before hesitantly closing the space, lightly brushing her lips against Jinsoul's. Her lips were so smooth on Jungeun's, ecstasy rushing through her body as Jinsoul took Jungeun into a kiss. It was unsure and slow at first, Jungeun having to calm herself down. But once Jungeun closed her eyes and kissed her back, everything seemed to speed up. Jinsoul grabbed Jungeun's face tighter, but not enough that it would hurt her. Their lips worked against each other's, synchronized and sweet, as Jungeun's hands grasped at Jinsoul's shoulders, giving them a tight squeeze before resting her palms against them.

Adrenaline was running through Jinsoul's veins, tasting the chapstick on Jungeun's lips, inhaling her intoxicating fragrance. She kissed Jungeun as if it was the last time she could kiss anybody, but at the same time, being so cautious and careful with her movements. She would have never known, that after being so verbal about only craving Jungeun sexually, wanting her body and nothing more, that she would be kissing her like this. Kissing her without it being lust-driven and hungry, seductive and sexual. That instead, she'd be enclosing Jungeun's lips around her own so sweetly, so softly with so much care and affection. She didn't feel like herself. She felt her heart pound inside her chest, as if it were ready to explode. She felt it as her one rule flew right out the window, the rule she couldn't name as she was too lost in the kiss. The rule that suddenly came to mind when Jungeun pulled away from Jinsoul slowly, batting her eyelashes.

_No feelings involved._

She felt her heart sink to her stomach as her breathing became heavy. She felt light headed and dizzy, like she was going to faint. She couldn't process what was going on, her mind was spinning and the only thing she could focus on was how she just _kissed_ Jungeun. Passionately. With all the feelings that were building up in her chest crashing down onto her lips.

She didn't know what to do. So she did the only thing she knew how to do. Her feet quickly guided her out of the room, out of the house, out of Jungeun's sight. She ran back to her dorm, leaving behind Jungeun, who was finding her way into the bathroom.

She locked the door behind her, staring at her swollen lips in the mirror before bawling. _She should have known better._


	4. three

Jinsoul had managed to stay away from Jungeun for eight days after that. It may have been eight long, torturous days, but still eight days nonetheless.

She may have been far away from Jungeun, her lips and her body and all, yet she still felt so flustered. _Just give it another day, Jinsoul. Just another day._

This was unlike her, to be overthinking an act as simple as a kiss. _It's just a goddamn kiss, with literally no sexual energy at all!_ But that's what scared her, the fact that it wasn't sexually charged. That she didn't kiss her in the heat of the moment, that rather the kiss held meaning. What kind of meaning? She still didn't exactly know. It was sweet, maybe even simple, but it scared Jinsoul beyond comprehension.

Maybe eight days was too much, maybe it wasn't enough. Maybe she should have talked to Jungeun after the situation- No, she _definitely_ should have. Everything Jinsoul does could be considered a pretty dick move, but this one had pushed that title impossibly farther. Jungeun probably wasn't even thinking about it, though. Maybe she's the dick, maybe she's the one in fault, since she might be living normally as Jinsoul was constantly reliving that moment. The thought haunted her more than anything, and, at this point, she didn't know if she hated Jungeun or desperately needed her.

_Just give it another day, you'll forget about her._

\---

Jungeun had purposely skipped all the classes she had with Jinsoul for the next few days after the event, she definitely wouldn't be able to bear seeing her after that. After they shared what she thought to be a passionate moment, shared a kiss worth a thousand words to Jungeun, yet left to be another distant memory of a girl she's kissed to Jinsoul.

She knew Jinsoul was like this. She always had, always will. People like her _don't_ change. She had to learn that and get over it. But she'll always remember this, always remember the pain she'd been put through because of her. Because of _her_ , that asshole. And if she didn't think it before, she definitely did now. She hated Jung Jinsoul.

She found herself giving pep talks into her mirror a few times to build up her courage again, "You're so much more than a toy. Don't you _ever_ let some.. Some..." Jungeun thought of the right word. "Some _douchebag_ get you down," She spat the word bitterly, as if to say it right into Jinsoul's sorry little face. "You're too good for a user like her, anyway. Too smart, obviously, too. She really thought she was gonna get you into her bed?" Jungeun laughed. "Go attend those classes, get those A's, and do it all without a single thought of that manipulator on your mind!"

She smiled, instantly feeling better about herself, _yeah, I can do this! I'm Kim Jungeun, after all, what can't I do?_ She snickered, throwing her backpack straps onto her shoulders as she finally walked out of her dorm room.

She walked down the pavement with a newfound bounce in her step, smiling brightly at the other students passing by. She was positive that nothing could bring her down, that she's going to do great, no matter if Jinsoul decides to try and distract her from that or not. Which she won't, Jungeun will make sure of it.

The time away from Jinsoul really did do Jungeun wonders, yet it really seemed to be the only person the time benefited. Jinsoul was still contemplating everything in her room at that point, staring blankly at her ceiling. She also now knew there were exactly 68 tiles up there, as well. _Wow, did she actually have that much time to count that?_

She sighed, throwing her arm of the side of the bed. Why can't she just get over it? It's been eleven days at this point. Eleven. Damned. Days. How much more did she need?!? She was convinced she was starting to lose her sanity. She was definitely going crazy.

She glanced over at her backpack, worn by the back of her desk chair. She never really used that desk up until about a month ago, when she started skipping all her classes to steer clear from Jungeun. Hey, she had to maintain grades somehow.

She was about to get up and get her backpack, about to finally go to class for the first time in forever, about to do literally anything to get her mind off of Jungeun, until her phone rang.

"Ughh!" She groaned a little too loudly, rolling her eyes as she shoved the phone to the face and picked up. "What do you want?" The tone of her voice remained cold and angry.

"Good morning to you too, daughter," Jinsoul finally recognized the person she was actually calling, her eyes widening in regret immediately.

"Sorry, mom. Morning," her voice softened as her back found its place back onto the mattress where it had previously laid. "You're calling because..?"

"I heard you haven't been attending your classes recently," Jinsoul's mother said nonchalantly, as if it hadn't bothered her much. But Jinsoul knew that her mother's words and tone of voice were two completely opposing things, and that she was most likely furious at her daughter's sudden absences from class. "You aren't like this, Jinsoul, I know you. You are a good girl," Jinsoul groaned irritably at her words. "You never skipped classes when you lived with me! Do you need me to come over there and shape you up?"

"No, no!" The last thing Jinsoul wanted was for her mom to visit her dorm and totally embarrass her in front of the entire campus. Okay- maybe that was a slight exaggeration, but still remotely true nonetheless. "I'll start attending again, I promise, mom!! Please, don't visit. That's literally the last thing I need right now." Jinsoul said in a whiny, pleading voice, but her words were serious.

Her mother laughed, "Alright, Dollie," The second time Jinsoul rolled her eyes at her mom's words. She hated that nickname, _Dollie._ She wasn't a kid anymore, and she hated that her mom still treated her like one. She was fully capable of taking care of herself. "Call me if you need anything. I love you," she heard a smooching sound from the phone, causing Jinsoul to cringe.

"Yep, bye, mom." She was about to rip the phone off her face and hang up before her mom could demand words of affection back, but she was just _that_ much late to doing so.

"Shouldn't you have to say something?"

Jinsoul groaned loudly again, only growing more irritated by her mother's showcase of affection. "I love you too," she said, barely over a mumble, but it was enough for her mom to take. She hung up, leaving Jinsoul to finally get to class without distraction. Well, other than that one distraction. But maybe going to class will be a good distraction for _that_ distraction. God, Jinsoul's brain hurt just thinking that sentence.

She was already almost fifteen minutes late for class, so she found no point in rushing to get there. She was going to get scolded for being late anyway.

As she approached the classroom door, her stomach churned again. She could see Jungeun through the window, sitting where she'd always sit. Right up front, where all her attention could be focused on their professor. She took a deep breath before yanking the door open, causing everyone to turn their heads to look at Jinsoul.

"She finally decides to show up to class," Professor Kim teased her, to which Jinsoul responded with a cocky smirk, sure that Jungeun's eyes were practically popping out of her head.

"And?" Jinsoul purposely stole a glance with Jungeun for a second, just a _split second_ , to see if she really was as astounded as Jinsoul imagined her to be. Short answer, of course she was. Maybe coming back to class wouldn't be as bad as Jinsoul thought, after all.

Jinsoul's cocky smirk only grew into an even cockier grin at the sight of having Jungeun flustered again, directly under her control. _Maybe coming back to class really wasn't going to be that bad._

Jungeun couldn't stop her jaw from dropping at Jinsoul's sudden confidence again. She should have expected that Jinsoul would show up to class, maybe she should have expected that she'd cause a scene, too. But she definitely did not expect for Jinsoul to be so suddenly... Well, a playgirl again.

_Especially_ after the event that had occurred not too long ago, when Jinsoul literally _ran away_ at _full fucking speed_ because they so simply as to kissed.

Actually, no. For all Jungeun knows, they've _never_ kissed. And why would they? She wouldn't even touch her with a ten foot pole, not even if you paid her. This was the mindset she needed to be in, the same one she'd been in only a month or two prior to now. She scoffed to herself, _kiss Jinsoul? I would never. Must've just been a weird dream. Actually- a nightmare._ She suppressed a laugh at the thought.

There was a seat open right next to Jungeun. She saw Jinsoul eyeing the seat, saw the damn consideration in her face, as if she would've actually _enjoyed_ sitting there. As if she'd maybe get something out of Jungeun. There were a few seats in the back, too- which would normally be Jinsoul's option. But today isn't normal, today's her first day back, first day seeing Jungeun again- basically, she was able to redo her first impression with Jungeun.

But that was risky. There was a chance, a slim one, in Jinsoul's mind, that maybe, _possibly_ Jungeun _didn't_ forget. Was she wasted that night? Hell would Jinsoul know, she can't even remember what she ate for fucking breakfast this morning, if anything. The only detail she could remember from that night was the _kiss_ , how her lips felt on Jungeun's.

_Ugh_ , she was thinking about that night again. Visibly slouching when trying to repress the memory, her professor quickly noticed her unmoving feet that still stood firmly in the same spot she stood in a minute ago, when she was supposed to find her seat.

"Miss Jung," He called, pulling Jinsoul out of whatever dimension she was in. "Are you gonna find a seat or just stand there and stare at Jungeun?" She quickly peeled her eyes off Jungeun, as her cheeks flushed bright pink, but her shit-eating grin persisted while she found herself moving to the seat she eyed- the one _right_ next to Jungeun.

But before she could sit down, she walked completely _past_ the seat, awkwardly walking the rest of the length of the isle, as her self-confidence was beginning to finally waver. She could feel everyone's eyes burning into her skull as she walked down to the very last row, the one _furthest_ away from Jungeun, and sat _there_.

"Okay... Not sure why you had to do that..." the teacher mumbled loudly enough for Jinsoul to hear, and considering she was in the very back row, he had to speak pretty loudly. So the uproar of quiet laughters emerging from students for a few seconds was expected. Took a giant strike at her ego, but expected. Her entire face was almost crimson as she crossed her arms, slouching into her seat.

Maybe it was just Jungeun, but today's lesson seemed to be passing at an incredibly slow rate. She was convinced she'd step out of the room with graying hairs by the time class would be dismissed. For the most part, though, she didn't think about Jinsoul, which she thought was a plus. Or- _would_ think as a plus, if she were to think about it. Right now, she was the same Jungeun she'd been two months ago, who's first priority was education. And second. And third. And Jinsoul was no where on that list, either.

This mindset was refreshing. She liked this mindset. It would be appreciated if she never saw Jinsoul again, this mindset would be easier to keep. That way, when the dismissal bell rang, she would be able to go to the library without trouble.

But all good things come to an end.

"Oh!" Jungeun fell to the ground, papers flying out of her hands. She bumped into somebody while trying to rush out the classroom to get away from Jinsoul. "Sor-" She almost apologized before looking up at exactly _who_ she'd bumped into.

"Need a hand, princess?"

"No!" Jungeun quickly stood up, her legs stiff as they found their place a few feet away from Jinsoul. "No, I do not _want_ your hand, and I definitely don't _need_ it, either! Ugh!" Her voice threatened to turn into a shout before turning her back on Jinsoul to pick up her papers.

"Just an offer," Jinsoul said, keeping still in her place as Jungeun got back up. "To make up for... some things, y'know?" Jinsoul immediately regretted saying that, as that night started popping back into her mind. _Really,_ she thought, _so close to just forgetting and being normal again!_

"Huh?" Jungeun acted oblivious under the mask of red her face brightened into. _That night. She's talking about that night, she didn't forget. She still thinks about it._

"I know you know what I'm talking about, Jungeun, but really," _No, she can't be doing this, is she really gonna say-_

"I'm sorry," Jinsoul looked straight into Jungeun's eyes as she said the words, leaving Jungeun speechless. She actually apologized. Jung Jinsoul, the girl who carried no remorse or sorrow _ever,_ just apologized to her. Again! God, Jungeun didn't know what to do now!

"Uh," she hesitated. "I... I, uh, gotta go," she said before finally bolting out of the classroom. Jinsoul was standing there, still, watching her leave. Why did she feel like crying? Why did she feel like her heart was exploding in two inside her chest? Why was her head hurting, stomach twisting, eyes watering? Why was she following Jungeun out of the room?

"Wait-"

"Jinsoul, no. Forget about it, let's not see each other again," Jungeun stopped in her tracks to sternly tell Jinsoul off. "Please. I don't want to see you or hear what you ha-" She couldn't finish when she saw the tears streaming down Jinsoul's face. But she wouldn't have been able to finish anyway, when Jinsoul pulled in and kissed her.


	5. four

The kiss ended as fast as it started, Jungeun almost didn't catch it by the briefness of it. Jungeun stared into Jinsoul's eyes, bright and almost, _what was that,_ worry? "Jungeun."

Pulling herself back together, Jungeun took a large step back from Jinsoul. "What the hell was that?!" Her voice threatened to break, tears filling her eyes. Really, this _sucks_. Right when she thinks she can get away from Jinsoul, leave her sorry ass behind and out of sight and go forth, she comes right back. "Honestly, Jinsoul, I'm getting tired of this. Decide what I am to you and talk to me then. And-"

"Jungeun, that's exactly _why_ I wanted to talk. Because I don't _know_ what-"

"Was I not talking?" Jungeun scoffed, rolling her eyes as she tried to seem more confident in this situation than she actually was. But she knew what she was doing was for the better, that Jinsoul was just going to mess with her heart and leave it in shatters, with no one else to pick it up. She didn't need that in her life, not when she had other things to worry about. "Anyway, _what I was saying_ was that once you find out what I _really_ am to you, what you _really_ want me to be, talk to me then. Because I'm _not_ another one night stand, I'm _not_ another hookup you'll forget about in a day, and I'm _not_ some girl who will fall into your stupid games. I pity the girls who do, truly. They deserve better," Jungeun said relatively calmly, starting to walk away, well aware Jinsoul was right behind her. 

Jinsoul's eyes gleamed from the tears threatening to escape her eyes, becoming more desperate the more she talked. But, at the same time, the more she talked, the worse she felt. This feeling in her stomach, it wasn't love right now. Right now, it was more so like guilt. Just pure, filthy, disgusting guilt. It tasted brutal on her tongue. She wanted more than anything to just run away right now, that's what she'd normally do. That's what she'd always do. But that's exactly why she's not doing it, she wanted to prove she could listen to Jungeun, that she actually wanted to hear what she had to say, maybe even cared about it.

Jungeun continued, "And if you decide I'm only worth a night in your bed, you're worth a lifetime in my past. I can move on, but you just gotta fucking _let me_ and _respect that_. Please."

Jinsoul sighed, she felt like a fucking douchebag. She couldn't respond to that. She really couldn't. Because it was _true_ , it was fucking _true_. She's a horrible person. She didn't deserve Jungeun, she was too good for a girl like Jinsoul. If she could just forget about her and leave Jungeun alone, she would. She knows the more she chases her, the more she's gonna hurt the both of them. Maybe she should just stop now before it can elevate into bigger problems. Leave before she wants to commit to what Jungeun implied, something more than one night.

And right as Jinsoul was about to leave, she realized that _is_ what she wants. It's _been_ what she wants. So... Jungeun wants that too? "You... You want a relationship?" Jinsoul asked quietly. It's what Jinsoul wanted too, but was she ready to actually commit? To leave what she's doing now behind, leave the fun, leave the parties, leave her friends, leave the only lifestyle she's known throughout her college living? Was she even ready for that?

"Yes, Jinsoul. I do," Jungeun replied simply, still walking ahead of Jinsoul. "I do and I don't know why. I don't want to but I _do_. And if you keep seeing me, I won't be able to fucking simmer my emotions. So _please, please_ leave. This is so exhausting, it drains me so much, I don't know what more you want from me!" Jungeun chokes throughout her speech, fighting back her tears. She had to be strong if she was going to push Jinsoul away, she had to know where she stood and have it be sternly implied. "My body? Fucking have it. My mind? You're already invading all my fucking thoughts. My heart?! Jesus fucking Christ, take it! Just do it now, alright? Do whatever you fucking want and never talk to me again once you're done! Will that fucking help, huh?!?" She made eye contact with Jinsoul, almost yelling, some heads turning their way. 

Jinsoul felt so small in this situation, like there was no right thing she could possibly do. She could run, but that would prove she's a coward when it comes to feelings, even further than it already has. She could kiss her, but that would worsen the situation for them both. She could take her to her house, but that would ruin Jungeun forever. God, what the fuck did Jungeun want?! There's literally nothing she could do that would be acceptable! Even fucking _standing there_ and doing _nothing_ is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! There were so many options Jungeun's giving her right now, but at the same time, so little.

"I'll give you five days, Jinsoul. Think for once. I know it might be hard, considering you're really running on your last dying brain cell, but at least fucking _try_. Let's not make this difficult, yeah?" Jungeun sniffled, crossing her arms. "Five days," she said again, before turning her back to Jinsoul and leaving.

"Five days..." Jinsoul repeated. "To make you fall in love with me?"

Jungeun stopped in her tracks, pausing for a second before turning on her heels to face Jungeun from paces away. Taking slow, cautious steps back to the girl, who was holding out a hand as if to shake on it, like it was some sort of deal. She kept stepping closer, closer. This could be really stupid. This could be a foolish, dumb plan to get her in Jinsoul's bed, but the look on Jinsoul's face suggested this really _is_ what she wanted. That she wanted Jungeun to fall in love with her, to prove she isn't what Jungeun prejudices her to be. This is stupid, stupid yet _brilliant_. Five days, what could Jinsoul possibly do to make her _completely_ fallen in love, totally head over heels, in _five_ days? Because she knew, these five days will either be repetitive bore, an onward spiral of make out sessions and probably sex, or five days of excitement, a new day everyday that will show something new of Jinsoul, a new side and aspect to her. Maybe, maybe, they can redo this, whatever _this_ is. Maybe it doesn't have to be like this, maybe Jinsoul can make her fall in love. That's a _big_ maybe, but enough for Jungeun to take Jinsoul's hand and firmly shake it twice.

"Five days, no more, no less. I don't fall in love, you'll never bother me again," Jungeun looked up at the girl, suppressing a grin.

"And if you do?"

"Well... We can relive those five days over and over again," Jungeun smiled, letting go of Jinsoul's hand. "Every day."

Jinsoul smiled, "Over and over."


	6. five

Jinsoul woke up scared, yet so excited. _What has she signed herself up for?_ That she still doesn't exactly know. It's possible she won't make Jungeun fall in love with her. It's possible she'll never see her again after this. Yet, she still wants to do this, whatever _this_ is. Because by now, she's admitted it to herself: she likes Jungeun. A lot.

Pushing herself off her bed in a hurry, she brushed her hair until it was so beautifully straight, threw on her prettiest dress-- or, should she go more casual? Maybe... floral? She looked through her closet, sliding hangers over one by one until she found one she likes. Not exactly formal, but not something you'd wear just any day either. She wrapped a necklace around her neck, then took it off, trying on a new one. She had to look _perfect_. After all, this was basically her first impression on Jungeun, despite having seen and, well, known well of each other previously.

She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled so softly, so soft and bright. A smile she hasn't seen herself wear since she was a child. And really, she did feel like a child again. Dressing up and playing with makeup, it brings her back to her childhood. To when she would take every chance she had whenever her mom left the house to take hostage of her room, trying on the dresses that were oversized on her, twirling around in them like a princess. She laughed at the memory, and twirled. Now, she feels like a real princess.

It's so weird, but it feels so right. Ever since she entered college, she never would glam herself up. She would wear casual things, even to more formal events. Because that was what people knew her as, they knew she'd never wear such a _dress_ , let alone heels or jewelry. But they didn't _know_ her.

Shortly, though, she remembered; Jungeun didn't know her either. She really only knew what she had shown her. Sure, she knows more about her than some other people may, but that's just her emotional side. There's _so_ many sides to Jinsoul, she has _personality_. She's not just some playgirl, not a college douche, not just whatever else she'd be labeled as. And while they might be true, there's still more to her than that. If she could, she would go back in time and set a different fate for her at school, to not have to feel like she has to lay with every girl to keep up with her brand. She tried thinking of what else she could see herself as. A good, quiet, model student? Geek? Shy basket case? Girly, cute student? She chuckled lightly at that, if only she could go back in time. Maybe getting to Jungeun wouldn't be so hard then.

Jinsoul looked at her door, reminding herself she should leave and visit Jungeun's dorm before she left to class. She had been thinking about where to take Jungeun for a while now. She wanted it to be special, maybe she was overthinking this. She kept thinking as she walked her way to Jungeun's apartment, which was given to Jinsoul from a mutual friend.

Maybe Jungeun would like to go to a restaurant? Maybe she was a foodie kind of girl, maybe taking her to eat somewhere would be a good choice. Plus, what girl doesn't like food? But, Jungeun is a simple girl. Well- she is complex, but _simple_ , so maybe something more like a park would do. Maybe the movies? There's a new movie coming out, Jinsoul was interested in seeing it... _No, Jinsoul, this isn't about you. This is about Jungeun._ She hit herself in the forehead for being selfish.

And that's when it hit her- a book store.

Call Jinsoul boring or old-fashioned, but she knew Jungeun loved books. Plus, a lot of their interactions had happened at the library, it just _makes sense_ to go to a book store. She'd even buy Jungeun a book, she recalled Jungeun talking about one she was interested in buying before. She would even bring her to a restaurant after, if she wanted.

That was special enough, right?

Before the doubts came tumbling through her head, she noticed she approached the apartment which Jungeun lived in. _Wow, Jungeun lives here. I'm about to visit where she lives, oh my gosh._ Gathering her breath, she walked into the complex, going up the flight of stairs until she neared Jungeun's room. _Here it is._

Biting her lip nervously, she took a second to think about what was about to happen. She was _actually_ going to go on a date with Jungeun, wasn't she? She almost laughed at that, remembering the tough, cocky girl she'd been when she barely knew Jungeun. God, has Jungeun changed Jinsoul. And god, did Jinsoul want to barge in and get Jungeun to change as well, change her mind. Change Jungeun's mind about Jinsoul, she was going to do that. She would make sure of it. She would make sure Jungeun was in love with her as much as she was to her.

She placed two quick knocks on the hard wooden door, bringing her hands back behind her, intangling her fingers behind her back innocently. She was chewing on her bottom lip so hard that it threatened to split, she could almost taste the metallic essence of blood. And, soon enough, the door opened wide.

Jungeun began speaking before looking at who was waiting for her behind the door, "Hello?-" Her speech was cut short when she stopped rubbing her eyes, obviously had only just woken up, and lifted her head to meet the gaze of the girl in front of her. " _Woah_ ," Jungeun sighed dramatically, eyeing Jinsoul.

Jungeun was speechless- she didn't think Jinsoul was actually going to show up at her door- let alone looking all prettied up. But, _wow_ , she couldn't stop herself from eyeing Jinsoul up and down in admiration, suddenly self conscious, as she was wearing a simple t-shirt and comfortable shorts. _Dammit, why did she have to sleep in so late?!?_

Jinsoul smiled consciously under Jungeun's stare, almost not being able to look her in the eyes. She took a deep breath, praying to any higher power that she wouldn't make a total fool of herself, as she has previously done so many times. "You look cute," Jinsoul smiled, fully aware Jungeun had only just woken up. Yet, she wasn't lying. Jungeun stood there in front of her, hair unbrushed and put up in a messy bun, plain white shirt that hung loosely over her frame, contrasting to her shorts that seemed to hug her waist tightly, but still comfortably. Her face bare, lack of makeup to be shown on it, eyes tired and swollen from sleep. Jungeun was the most beautiful creature Jinsoul had laid eyes on.

"Oh," Jungeun felt her cheeks grow red at the compliment, not knowing how exactly to respond. Jinsoul always made Jungeun feel flustered, but now, standing in front of her door, in such a beautiful dress, heels that made her just _that_ much taller, hair that fell gorgeously over her shoulders. And she was complimenting her? Jungeun was sure Jinsoul was lying, she felt so insecure standing in front of Jinsoul like this. "Thanks," She said softly.

"Are you ready?" Jinsoul asked after a few moments of silence. Not awkward silence, just a moment where talking wasn't needed because they could look into each other's eyes and melt. It felt so raw, so natural, to be standing here, waiting at Jungeun's door, seeing her in her truest form. She wondered if anyone else had ever seen her like this.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think," Jungeun looked down at herself again. She might not have looked as presentable as Jinsoul, but she wanted to go with her already. She wanted to see what Jinsoul had to offer. Was it wrong to be so excited and nervous for something as simple as a date? The butterflies in her stomach conflicted with the question.

Jinsoul smiled, holding out her hand, "Then let's go."

Jungeun looked at Jinsoul's hand, not even hesitating before taking it. "Let's go," she smiled back, closing her dorm door behind her. _Oh gosh_ , she just accepted to go on a date with Jinsoul. What if she likes it? What if it goes well? What if she wanted more? What if... what if she fell in love?

What if she actually did fall in love by the end of this, as Jinsoul promised? Oh god, what happens then? What happens if Jinsoul realizes how lame Jungeun is, how she isn't as amazing, or as great, or as pretty as the other girls? What if she falls in love by the end of this, but Jinsoul doesn't? What if she falls into this alone? She'll have no body to pick her back up.

She doesn't know what she expected going into this, only what to fear. So much so that she hadn't even realized she was still holding Jinsoul's hand as they walked out of her apartment.

But before she could let the thoughts enclose her, she heard Jinsoul speak again, "Do you want to go somewhere to eat first?" She was surprised Jinsoul had asked, she thought there had already been a plan.

Jinsoul wasn't sure how to do this, she had never initiated a date before. Do they walk back to her place, and Jinsoul will get her car there? Does Jungeun have a car? She sure as hell wouldn't be walking there! Was she supposed to bring her out to eat first and then go to the bookstore? Dates are so confusing! Jungeun shouldn't have even let Jinsoul take her on one, Jinsoul didn't know why she did!!

"Do you need my car..?" Jungeun read the concern on Jinsoul's face. When Jinsoul nodded, Jungeun reached into her pocket and grabbed her keys, unlocking the car.

"Oh, _thank god,_ " Jinsoul mumbled under her breath, quietly enough so Jungeun didn't hear. "Want me to drive?" Jinsoul felt as if it was less of a question and more of a given. After all, Jinsoul was the one with the plan. She couldn't just tell Jungeun to drive them there, that takes away the surprise and specialty of it!

"Huh? Uhh..." Jungeun stuttered. She never let people drive her car, mainly over paranoia of having them crash it. But wouldn't it be rude to say no? _Pfft_ , she forgot who she was talking to. _Jung Jinsoul_. She's done worse than telling her she can't drive a car. "Actually... _I_ was planning on driving." Jinsoul looked shocked as Jungeun got in the front seat. She wasn't expecting her to be so blatant about it.

"What? I'm a good driver, Jinsoul!" Jungeun laughed, rolling her eyes. "Just come in!" She patted on the passenger seat. Jinsoul fought off a smile before joining Jungeun in the car.

"You know, I was planning on driving us somewhere," Jinsoul crossed her arms, feigning offense.

Jungeun laughed at that, "But this isn't your car. Just because you're taking me on a date doesn't mean you have to be the one driving."

"Okay... Can I at least kiss you then?!" Jinsoul smiled innocently, making Jungeun snicker.

"You know, you're so different from when I first met you," Jungeun shook her head while laughing, putting the keys in ignition and starting the car. "You a few months ago wouldn't even ask- Actually, you might've said something stupid like, _Your lips look so delicious baby girl_ , or, _You look like you need a kiss, princess,_ " Jungeun started laughing at the mimicry, luckily staring at the road so she couldn't see Jinsoul's face heat up.

"Okay, so what I was kind of a flirt?!" Jinsoul said back defensively, making Jungeun laugh even harder. She continued cackling from the pit of her stomach so harshly, her eyes beginning to water. "You loved it!"

"Shit, stop making me laugh! I can't drive with tears in my eyes!" She said out of breath, taking one hand off the steering wheel to wipe her eyes. "You're so lucky I didn't wear makeup today, or else you'd so be dead right now."

"I'll take that as a no for the kiss... Whatever, didn't want your kiss anyway," Jinsoul shrugged.

"Jinsoul!" Jungeun shoved Jinsoul's shoulder.

"What!" Their laughter and unimportant chatter persisted through the car ride, Jinsoul not even noticing she didn't know where Jungeun was taking them until they stopped at a lake. Getting out of the car and moving little by little closer to the water, she scanned the place with her eyes.

The lake was more like a tiny beach, sand surrounding the water and a few families with bad tan lines sitting on towels. Children ran around laughing, splashing each other in the water, but there was otherwise not much noise or people there.

Jinsoul faked a smile at Jungeun. She was happy Jungeun brought her here, she really was! It's just that _she_ had plans on where to take Jungeun, and _she_ had plans on driving her somewhere and making Jungeun smile. She knew what made her smile and _she_ wanted to do that, she wanted to see Jungeun's beautiful lips curve upward into that familiar, pretty grin because of how amazing the date _she_ planned was. But even after all that apparently unimportant planning, Jungeun's the one doing all that. But she gave Jungeun what she wanted, and faked a smile.

"Are we just going to stand here or are we going to go in?" Jungeun grinned at Jinsoul.

"What?!?" Jinsoul panicked. She took so long getting ready!! She looked so pretty, just for Jungeun to get it off of her and wash it all away? She kicked off her heels and held them in her hand before she could trip on the sand.

"Come on! It's fun, I promise!" Jungeun grabbed Jinsoul's free arm and dragged her to a more secluded part of the lake, where people wouldn't be able to see them unless they squinted. Jungeun lifted her shirt off her head, leaving her in her bra and shorts.

"Are... Are you sure about this?" Jinsoul said shakily, trying not to eye the almost half-naked girl in front of her. Yeah, she had plans on seeing Jungeun undressed, but maybe not today. Today was supposed to be special, maybe even romantic! But here Jungeun is, undressing in front of her. _Maybe_ half of this grudge was because of her plan of initiating the date getting tipped on its head, but _still._

"We're just going in a lake, Jinsoul!" Jungeun groaned, removing her shorts, leaving her only in undergarments in front of a fully-clothed Jinsoul, making the latter gulp. "It's not like we're having sex!"

"But don't you think we're going kinda fast..? Like, I wasn't planning on seeing you almost naked today! Hell, I wasn't even planning on going to a beach!" Jinsoul extended her arm, pointing at the lake. "If you think this is what I want... I don't. If this is some kind of... Some kind of stupid test, to see how quickly I'll get naked with you, it's not!! I genuinely like you, Jungeun! Just give me a chance, I'm not terrible!!"

Jungeun almost laughed. "Really, you're the one saying this now?"

"What the fuck does that mean?!" Jinsoul raises her voice a little, trying to suppress her anger. She definitely did not have _fighting with Jungeun_ on her list when she thought of things to do on their first date...

"Well, considering you've already got a heart big enough to care about what you've said to me before, I think you could remember. That.. that stupid shit you'd say to me, your weird, sexual innuendos you'd whisper in my ear... You think I liked it? So yeah, Jinsoul, that's what I meant."

"Are... are you kidding me?!" Jinsoul finally ticked off, stepping towards Jungeun. "You still take me for the person I was then, huh, Jungeun? Even after I showed you my vulnerable side, showed you the sides of me no one in this school has seen, _huh_ , Jungeun?!" She suddenly stopped walking towards her, inches away. "You know, I was looking forward to this date. I thought you actually liked me for who I am, not for what others know me as."

"How can I say that I do when you built an entire reputation off of being the school's go-to _fuckgirl_ ," Jungeun spat the word, as if it were a dangerous cuss around Jinsoul. Seemingly, though, it did seem to offend Jinsoul. "Oh, Jinsoul, believe me, I was looking forward to this date too. I could picture it in my head, you and me, in the water, sharing kisses and laughing with each other. And maybe after we'd go to my place and order take out, it was so _perfect_ in my head."

Rather than empathizing with her, Jinsoul only continued the argument. "Yeah, and that's exactly why you're standing in front of me half-naked, right?" Jinsoul sourly laughed brushing her hair back. "You know, I knew going on this date would change us. But never did I think you would change this much."

"What the fuck?" Jungeun knitted her eyebrows in fury.

" _Oh look at me, I'm goodie-two-shoes Jungeun! My grades are better than yours and my sex life consists of lonely trips to the library,_ " Jinsoul mocked, swaying her hips and putting her hand on her chest. "Kind of funny how that same girl is so eager to get undressed in front of me right now, especially after all your blabbing about how much I get undressed with girls."

Jungeun's jaw dropped, "You did not-"

"Tell me, Jungeun, how different are you from those girls?" Jinsoul's frame stood in front of Jungeun's intimidatingly, leaving Jungeun speechless to the question. "Go ahead, _babe_ , I'm all ears." Jungeun shuddered at the nickname, something she thought Jinsoul had stopped doing. But once she kept thinking about it, she realized she was in the exact position she'd be in a few months ago. Jinsoul standing over her, whispering in her ear, calling her weird pet names. It all seems too familiar now, too much.

"Get... Get off me," Jungeun backed away, but Jinsoul only followed. "I-I'm different! Stop talking! I'm not like them..." She stopped backing away from Jinsoul, realizing she'd only follow her anyway.

Jinsoul rolled her eyes, "Of course you are."

"You know what, J-Jinsoul?" Jungeun tried to seem confident in her speech but couldn't help her stutters. "If you can't see me for my mind instead of my body, then I don't want either of those from you," She clenched her fists at her sides.

"Are you kidding me? I do see you for your mind, but-"

"No! No, you fucking don't!!" Jungeun's voice went into a yell, not caring if people heard her. "Because if you fucking did, me getting undressed in front of you wouldn't fucking matter. You wouldn't care, because you'd like me for _me,_ not my fucking body!!! Not how I fucking look!! You act like I'm _sooo_ dependent on you," She poked Jinsoul's chest accusingly. "I'm _not_. And guess what? I fucking can live without you!!! Shocking, right?! Go fuck yourself," She finished bitterly, walking away.

Jinsoul _could_ run back to her, but that only means Jungeun wins. To think this was all because Jungeun got undressed in front of her... God, maybe Jinsoul really _was_ acting like a baby... She looked back at the beach, realizing Jungeun left her clothes. She quickly picked them up, "Jungeun, your clo-"

"Save it!" Jungeun shouted from a distance. Jinsoul rolled her eyes, realizing if she was going to do the right thing and give Jungeun her clothes back, she'd have to catch up to her. Sighing, she put her heels back on and went after her. Because even if she was mad at her, she wanted to save Jungeun the embarrassment.

"Your... Your clothes," Jinsoul heaved after running up to her. "You left... Your clothes..."

"Oh," Jungeun stared at the clothes. But she still had to be mad, she couldn't let this go easily. She had to let Jinsoul know that she made a mistake, and that she had to apologize. "Right. I probably need those," She took the clothes from Jinsoul's hands hesitantly before putting them on quickly and walked away again.

"Jungeun," Jinsoul called again, causing Jungeun to pause in her place, turning around to face her. Once Jinsoul knew Jungeun wasn't going to respond, she sighed and continued. "Please don't leave."

"Why shouldn't I?" Jungeun rebutted quickly.

"Because this is supposed to be our first date... Please don't ruin it..." Jinsoul said softly, but Jungeun's face didn't change.

Keeping herself collected, she replied calmly, "Yes, because _I'm_ ruining it. This is why I'm leaving, Jinsoul, because you just don't understand proper manners. If you cared about me, nothing I could do would 'ruin' this date."

"I do care about you, Jungeun," Jinsoul's face resembled sorrow, but her words didn't express it.

Jungeun debated on whether or not she should reply. She should have just walked away, leaving Jinsoul by herself. But the better part of her wouldn't allow her to do that. Something inside her told her to stay and talk through this. Jungeun let out a defeated sigh, "Jinsoul, you're making this really hard for me. We can live without each other."

"But I don't want to. I want you," Jinsoul reached out for Jungeun's arm, but Jungeun only stepped back, away from her touch.

"Don't say that. You _don't_ , Jinsoul. Don't toy with my emotions like that. Fucking _don't_. Just... Just don't see me again, okay? I'm trying to make this easy for the both of us, and I just... Hanging out with you fucking _drains_ me, it's so fucking exhausting! You're so aggressive and sexual one second and the next you're all innocent and cutesy! I can't fucking do this, Jinsoul!! Who are you?? Because right now, I really can't fucking tell, and that's not exactly doing wonders for my mentality."

"Jungeun, please, just listen-"

"Listen to _me_ , please, for _once._ You, you, you, it's always about you, isn't it? Cause when _I_ take you somewhere, you shit about it, when _I_ argue back with you, you shit about it, when _I_ fucking tell you the blatant truth, guess what!! You _shit_ about it!!! I don't know why I keep coming back to you, because it seems every time you drain me more and more and I keep fucking going back to you and I hate that," Jungeun kept her distance from Jinsoul and kept her voice on a low, but Jinsoul could still hear the anger and confusion in it. "I... I fucking hate it! Stop being so fucking _confusing_ , stop making me think I'll actually fucking _get something_ by coming back to you every time. All we ever do is argue, Jinsoul! I fucking... You should stop seeing me, Jinsoul. It's for _me_. And if you really do care about me, like you say you do, you'll do it, yeah?"

Jinsoul had to keep her jaw from falling slack at Jungeun's words. Did she really feel like that? Was Jinsoul really that shitty of a person, that she emotionally drained Jungeun _that_ much? Does Jungeun hate her? And all this time, Jinsoul really thought something could have happened. She finally put her trust in someone, finally could show them the sweeter side of her... only to be told her presence exhausts Jungeun? Her stomach twisted uncomfortably and her eyes filled with water, _okay_ , she nodded, a tear falling down her cheek. _Do what she wants. Because you care about her._

But she just fucking _couldn't_. She couldn't leave Jungeun alone even if she wanted to. Hell, she couldn't even hold a grudge against her for longer than ten minutes! And unnoticed tear after unnoticed tear creating wet stripes down her face, she felt her entire body go limp. She felt fucking _dead_ , like her heart's been ripped out of her ribcage with no mercy. That her little trust she finally gained in Jungeun had been ripped to shreds. Jungeun really wanted to make Jinsoul suffer, huh?

"Jinsoul, don't cry. You're really testing my self-control here, I can't be here anymore... I'm sorry," Jungeun muttered softly to Jinsoul. "It's for the better, alright?"

Sniffling, Jinsoul nodded. Jungeun stared at her frame, the once confident, cocky girl who now hung her head low, silent tears falling from her eyes.

"You really did it, Jungeun," Jinsoul choked a laugh. "You broke me."

The words shattered Jungeun's heart, leaving her clenching her jaw and her own eyes watering as well. Maybe Jinsoul really _did_ like her. Maybe... Maybe somewhere in that cold, shallow chest... there _was_ a heart.

In the blink of an eye, Jinsoul suddenly felt a warmth envelope her. Sympathetic hands wrapped around her, rubbing circles on her back. Jinsoul stiffened under the touch, her vision blurred as she opened her eyes again.

"I'm sorry," Jungeun muttered into Jinsoul's neck, wet tears landing onto Jinsoul's sleeve. "I don't want to go either," the grip loosened, but before Jungeun could let go, she felt a pair of arms wrap around her.

"Then don't," Jinsoul whispered back, holding Jungeun tight in her embrace. " _Please_ don't. I really do care about you, Jungeun. Don't leave me."

"I... I have to, Jinsoul. Let me go, you're making this hard," Jungeun struggled in Jinsoul's unreleased grip. "We can't do this, it will never work. I'm the shy, nerdy good girl, and you're the cool, hot popular girl..." Jungeun laughed with a bitter taste in her mouth. "How did I ever think this would work out? We're so different, Jinsoul."

"Yet I wouldn't want you any different from what you are," Jinsoul replied cooingly.

"But..." Jungeun choked. "But that's not me. There's more to me than just a book and some pens, Jinsoul, you know that. But you don't know everything, either, so please don't say you do."

"Then show me, Jungeun. Teach me who you are," Jinsoul pulled away arms-length from Jungeun, holding her shoulders.

"You wouldn't like it," Jungeun couldn't make eye contact with the girl in front of her.

"You don't know that," Jinsoul wiped a tear from Jungeun's cheek with her thumb. " _Show me._ "

Jungeun sighed, finally looking up into Jinsoul's eyes. They were still wet from tears, her expression soft and, if Jungeun's blurred and tear-filled vision wasn't deceiving her, accepting. Jungeun doesn't know how, but she finds her hands ending up cupping Jinsoul's face. Jungeun parted her lips, inhaling slowly before closing the space between them, tasting Jinsoul's lips on her own.

Jinsoul's eyes widened at the initiated kiss, but let herself fall into it. The kiss was short and sweet, but long enough for Jungeun's taste to remain on Jinsoul's lips when she pulled away. But Jinsoul found herself wanting more, more, and she closed the space again, taking Jungeun's lips on her own. Her lips fit so perfectly on Jungeun's, it was like they were made to be put together.

Jungeun didn't want the kiss to end. Neither did she want whatever was going on between the two of them to end. But all good things must come to an end. And she knew if she didn't want to end up with a broken heart, she had to leave Jinsoul. The thought hurt her chest as she moved in impossibly closer to Jinsoul, deepening the kiss as if it were the last time she would be able to taste her lips. And most likely, it would.

She still couldn't seem to wrap her head around it. How the girl she met took her heart instantly, how she was cocky and arrogant and sexy. How Jungeun acted coy around her and played her disgust, when really Jungeun's words would send her over the moon. How now, that same girl is in front of her, crying, kissing her sweetly and not wanting her to leave. It was almost funny, how much Jinsoul had changed. But maybe it isn't this nice, innocent Jinsoul that took her heart. Maybe it's the tough, arrogant one who she had always secretly clung to. But either way, Jungeun knew she wouldn't let herself fall for Jinsoul, whether it be the tough or nice one.

And before the kiss could turn more passionate, Jungeun pulled her head back again. "Goodbye, Jinsoul," She said as tears streamed down her cheeks.

And before Jinsoul could say anything, Jungeun was gone. And it seemed like she took Jinsoul's heart with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;)


	7. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this is getting boring djdjsjsjs SORRY

_Hello, this is Jungeun. Sorry I couldn't get to you, leave a message and I'll call back!_

No matter how many times Jinsoul called, she would always be met with the same message. And before she gave up, she finally decided to actually leave something in her voice mail for her. "Please call me back, Jungeun. I'm sorry for... offending you, I guess, and I want to talk. Thanks, bye," she spoke softly into the phone.

Jinsoul smacked her phone on the bed beside her as both her hands found themselves covering her face. She ran out of tears by now, the only thing coming out now being choked sobs. She doesn't even know how she managed to mess up like this- again. Right when things almost started looking up, too. Maybe Jinsoul really is an idiot.

"Jinsoul, you should just give it up. She's not coming back to you this time. Trust me, I actually know how love works," Sooyoung said from across the room, eating cereal. "Unlike someone, apparently."

Jinsoul looked up at Sooyoung with wide eyes, bright from the tears that had occupied them hours before. "You- You really think so?" Jinsoul asked, broken.

"Listen, Im not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but... You kinda are numb to love," Sooyoung shrugged. "Having sex constantly is just a coping mechanism."

"I don't know if you're kidding or not, but shut up," Jinsoul muttered a laugh. "I'll never have sex again, as long as  she answers my call! Have I been sleeping around since I've started liking her, Sooyoung?" Jinsoul asked rhetorically, raising her eyebrows. When Sooyoung didn't respond, she continued, "And have I been talking about other girls?"

Sooyoung sighed, shaking her head. "That's the thing, Jinsoul. You can't function without it. I honestly don't care, sleep with whoever you want, be a sex addict, whatever," Sooyoung took a spoonful of cereal into her mouth. "There's a party tonight. When was the last time you've been to one?"

"Uh," Jinsoul thought. "Last one I saw Jungeun at, I think."

Sooyoung scoffed, "Don't even say her name. You know what? You can't mention her in this house anymore," Sooyoung smiled. "Anyway, you're coming with me tonight," Sooyoung put the bowl on Jinsoul's desk, moving to sit next to her on the bed.

"What?" Jinsoul scrunched her nose. She can barely remember the last party, other than kissing Jungeun, but she wanted to repress that now.

"You know what. Don't worry, I don't think she'll be there," Sooyoung said, reading Jinsoul's mind. She held Jinsoul's hand, "Let's have some fun! Come on, you can even take someone home, you deserve it. You need to relax a little, Jinsoul. It will be fun, I promise."

Jinsoul sighed, thinking about it a little. She knew she shouldn't, that she should find a way back to Jungeun instead. But she knew that was nearly impossible now, and that Jungeun meant what she said when she told Jinsoul to never see each other again. Going to the party is what she _needed_ , she needed to forget Jungeun, and what better way to do so than with liquid encouragement?

"Alright," Jinsoul gave in. "I'll go."

"Really?" Sooyoung looked surprised, despite knowing Jinsoul would agree eventually. She expected her to put up more of a fight, maybe.

"Sure," Jinsoul shrugged, getting up. "I'm going to go for a walk now. What time's the party?"

"Ten, I think," Sooyoung got up as well, taking her empty bowl in her hand again.

Jinsoul nodded to that and left the building, her feet immediately finding their way to Jungeun's house, despite Sooyoung's words. Her hand finding its way to her door, knocking on the hard wood. And it only hit Jinsoul what she was doing when it was too late.

"What do you want?" Jungeun sighed, door creaking open.

"S-sorry... I don't know why I came here, I just-"

"Shut up, please," Jungeun pinched the bridge of her nose in irritation. "You knew I didn't want to see you again, ignored your calls, texts, whatever, and you still came to annoy me."

"Sorry, I don't-"

"Didn't I say shut up?" Jungeun cut Jinsoul off harshly. And finally, Jinsoul remained quiet. Because she was afraid that if she talked, she might break down and cry. "I wasn't kidding this time, Jinsoul. I mean it now. I don't want you anymore."

Jinsoul's eyes widened, mouth moving but words stuck in her throat.

"Please, just go," Jungeun began closing the door, but not before Jinsoul took a hold of it and opened it wide again.

"I still have four days," Jinsoul said quickly in a breath. Jungeun rolled her eyes in response, but Jinsoul continued. "You promised me. Five days. And, as far as I know, I still have four." She gripped Jungeun's hand, slowly tracing hearts into it. It was a small action, but it felt so fucking big to Jinsoul. Holding Jungeun's hand in her own, tracing symbols of her love onto it, something she'd only do to Jungeun. The hearts were traced slowly, gently before Jungeun sorrowfully pulled her hand away.

Jungeun stared blankly at her. "Not anymore," she shrugged gripping the door and slamming it in Jinsoul's face before she could do anything about it.

"God dammit!" Jinsoul exclaimed, clenching her fists so hard her nails dug into her palms. Her tears flooded her eyes, and that made Jinsoul _so_ fucking angry. Before Jinsoul could act out, she quickly ran out of Jungeun's apartment, running away as fast as she could from it. She should have just respected Jungeun. She didn't want her back, and Jinsoul had to accept that. Even if she wanted her back so badly.

But instead of returning home, Jinsoul rather stopped by a seemingly unpopulated playground. She dragged her numb legs onto the grass, stopping at a bench to slam down onto. And finally, the tears she's been holding in for too long, came out.

She hated it. She hated crying over Jungeun, now that they were back to tier one. Jinsoul knew it now. She really didn't have a chance anymore. Her palms covered her face, partially because she was crying and partially because of regret. She couldn't believe, especially after all this time, all this building up of their relationship, that she could just leave like that. Again.

God, Jinsoul was a fool.

Jinsoul's such a goddamn fool, because if she really looked behind that mask of Jungeun's, the mask she wore right then when they were face to face, she would've seen it. Jungeun never moved on, not even if she told herself she did. Not even when through her own tears she told herself Jinsoul was bad news, not even then would Jungeun's heart let go of Jinsoul. Because the more they were separate, the more Jinsoul begged for Jungeun, she realized it was _her_ at _Jinsoul's_ mercy. She knew she had to kick her out before her heart decided to push her in, but it's already too late. It's already been too late. She was in Jungeun's heart, and Jungeun knew it. And it scared her so fucking much.

It scared her that she could be so obsessed with someone, so involved with the idea of them that she wouldn't be able to think of _anything_ fucking else. Because there was no star that shined brighter than Jinsoul's smile, no lake that gleamed sparklier than Jinsoul's eyes, no ethereal thing that could ever compare to Jinsoul.

And maybe that was what's scariest of all; the fact that Jungeun hated her barely even a month ago. Yet she can see past her labels, past her mask and show that everyone else was the audience to, when Jungeun got to see backstage. When she got to meet the girl, not the cool, smug, sexual one, but the cute, shy, loving one. The duality scared her, she didn't know which Jinsoul was the one to believe anymore. And oh, if only she could stay watching her on stage, playing her performance of the fuckgirl she plays to be, admire her from a distance, because that was what was safe. But now she's too close for comfort, her heart being hijacked by the one she despises most. What was even going on? How does this kind of situation even happen? And most importantly, why her?

Why was it Jungeun who had to fall victim to Jinsoul's crimes, to her wide eyes and charming voice, her confident aura and shy personality, why did it have to be her? Maybe Jungeun's heart hated her still, maybe this feeling wasn't love. God, she hoped it wasn't. Because, really, how different are love and hate?

They're on opposite sides of the spectrum. Love, hate. Both red hot, full of passion, strong emotions you can feel towards someone. And every time they speak, you get that kind of burn in your chest, the one that tells you _oh, god, I love them._ The kind of burn that tells you _oh, god, I fucking hate them_. Why must they be so similar? Why must love be so confusing, why must hate? How can they be polar opposites, yet so similar at the same time? Loving someone fucking sucks, because it feels like such a burden but such a blessing all at the same time, and it's so fucking _overwhelming_.

Jungeun just wanted to fucking sleep one night, _one night_ without having to think of Jinsoul. But even as she closed her tear-filled eyes, the first thing she could see was that stupid, fucking _beautiful_ smile.

\---

Somehow, Jinsoul managed to drag herself back to the dorm. Which, in turn, got herself dragged to some random person's house, loud music blasting throughout. God, she really has sunken low, hasn't she? How the fuck could she do this every night before? It smelt like sex and alcohol, the king of stench that burned your nose. She felt itchy in her own skin, feeling more insecure than ever. God damnit, what has Jungeun done to her?

Girls piled near Jinsoul, some brave enough to cradle themselves into her skin, yet Jinsoul felt numb to it. Because no touch was better than Jungeun's. No pair of lips were softer than Jungeun's. No one would ever fucking be Jungeun, and that was the problem. Jinsoul couldn't see the common denominator here, was the problem Jungeun, or was it just herself?

"Jinsoooul~ hmm, take me home, please~ I neeeed youu," She heard girls slur out her name, and if the drunkenness wasn't present in their voice, it was definitely in their actions. Grabbing Jinsoul's body, hanging onto her, trying to dance with her. God, Jinsoul hasn't even drank once yet.

"Can someone grab me a drink?" Jinsoul muttered, shutting her eyes tight. She had a spinning headache already, already felt drunk. But if she was gonna make it through three more hours of this party, she was gonna have to be under the influence.

Three, four, even five shots later, Jinsoul still couldn't heal the numbness in her chest. _More_ , she'd ask, not finding it in herself to get up and get it herself. And she drank her heart away, drank until she couldn't feel pain, love, emotion. She was so lifeless, but nothing felt wrong anymore when she went to flirt on a girl. And nothing felt wrong anymore when she kissed new lips. Nothing felt wrong when she was bringing a clueless girl home, one who Jinsoul wouldn't remember the next morning, and she didn't have a problem with that.

The loving, caring Jinsoul was locked away now, locked far into her dead, empty heart. And the only person who had the keys, Jinsoul thought would never use them.

So, she was back here.

Laying with a girl in bed, sweaty bodies against each other in the hot atmosphere of the room, the girl marking up Jinsoul's collarbones, chest, neck. It was all second nature to Jinsoul, her mind far off somewhere she couldn't recognize, humming as she traced slow hearts onto the girl's hand.

\---

Jungeun capped her pen, folding her letter in half and shoving it in her pocket, quickly running across the hall to a girl she was familiar with's dorm. Any girl would do, they'd all know it anyway. "Do you know where Jinsoul's apartment is?"

Her feet flashed without thought, running to Jinsoul's apartment, letter in her hands. She figured it was better to give it to her now when they wouldn't have to come face to face rather than in class. Her feet splashed into the puddles from the prior rain, eyes barely adjusting to the darkness of the night. Her sweatshirt kept her warm, trapping her body heat in in the otherwise cool air.

Her feet pounded against the pavement, so desperate to get this letter sent for no particular reason. She gripped the letter in her hand tighter as she approached the complex she was told Jinsoul lived in.

Now all she had to do was set the letter on the doorstep and go. Exhaling an elongated breath, she wiped a sweat as she finally made it to her door. Looking down, ready to place it on her welcome mat, she realized the wet puddle _right_ there. _Fuck the rain, oh my god._

Jungeun felt like steam was gonna come out of her ears from the conflict her mind was going through right now. She considered this her chance to turn back, to run away now and leave forever. She didn't have to give Jinsoul this letter. She just wanted to. Angrily sighing, she tested the doorknob to see if it was locked.

The screech of the door was ugly, but, nonetheless, it opened on the first attempt. Of course she wouldn't lock her damn door, this is Jung Jinsoul we're talking about. Jungeun took cautious steps in, searching quietly for a light switch. Her arm flailed around the wall until she felt the gentle _click_ of a switch, followed by a bright light flickering on above her.

Adjusting to the light, Jungeun took a minute to reread her letter, to rethink her decision. She felt it was appropriate to give this to Jinsoul, it would be better than having to really face her. And, by the looks of it, Jungeun didn't think anyone was home.

Carefully going up the stairs, Jungeun looked around for which door would be Jinsoul's. There was no signifying, though, so she had to either go with her gut or hopelessly leave it in the hallway, leaving it to either be forgotten or maybe stepped on. Her eyes scanned each door, switching from each one to the other, but really, there was no telling which one could be Jinsoul's.

"Ah~!" Jungeun's head turned to the sound, eyebrows knitting together. _Did someone just fucking moan?_ "Jinsoul!" Another pornographic yelp, this time the name of the girl Jungeun was looking for. Jungeun felt her heart tremble, the letter about to fall out of her loose hand. This was not her preferred method of finding out which room was Jinsoul's.

Her chest felt tight and loose all at the same time, a certain kind of pressure in her heart, an unrecognizable, yet so fucking painful feeling. It was so confusing, how that very day Jinsoul ran to Jungeun, asking for her back, and yet end up here not too long after. Maybe that really was all Jinsoul ever wanted from Jungeun, maybe this could've been her. She was lucky she escaped, that she said no, or else she could've ended up just like this girl will be tomorrow. Forgotten. Nameless hookup. So _why_ did it still hurt?

"Hey," Jungeun heard a soft voice from behind her, one she couldn't recognize. Jungeun didn't bother turning around to look at her, only to let her see the tears threatening to escape Jungeun's eyes. Her lower lip trembled before catching it with her teeth, biting so sharply she could've split her lip open. But nothing was worse than the pain rushing through her head, her heart, her eyes, veins, everything.

_God damnit._

"You okay?" The voice spoke again, this time resting a hand on Jungeun's shoulder. Jungeun felt so numb, so fucking numb, there was nothing that could've gained her attention in that very moment. No touch sent her back to reality, no voice brought her back to life. She was stuck in her head and encaged in her own thoughts, like a prisoner to his cell. And this burden, this big fucking burden she's been carrying along all this time has just grown, right when she thought she could've been safe. Jinsoul was no fucking good, that was for sure, and yet Jungeun still couldn't get it through her head. That no matter what, Jinsoul would always be there. Not to comfort her, not to kiss and hug and love her, but to haunt her till she just can't force herself to stop anymore, till every thought of hers consumed her alive and it was all to Jinsoul's disgusting delight.

_God fucking damnit._

Turning around quickly, Jungeun faced the girl who stood behind her for a brief second before shoving the note in her hand, looking up to meet her eyes. "Give this to Jinsoul, alright?"

The girl stared wide eyed at Jungeun, not even getting to nod before she quickly took off, almost inaudible sobs echoing through the dorm as she slammed the door, going off and away. She looked down at the letter, opening it up to read it. Her eyes scanned across the page quickly, mouth swiftly dropping to an o, blinking in disbelief. She almost felt the heartache of Jungeun, her pain being so clear and visible now. And Jinsoul was nothing but the very source of that.

She looked up at Jinsoul's door, staring considerately at it. She really did mess up, huh?

\---

Jinsoul woke up with a giant headache, groaning loudly as she rubbed her temple. Looking next to her, she saw the bed marked with the loss of a body, an unfamiliar perfume on the pillows. She looked next to her, a tall glass of water already set by her nightstand. Thank god, what would Jinsoul do without Sooyoung?

She quickly chugged down a good portion of the glass, wiping at her lips and looking back to the bed.

She looked up at the sound of a creak of the door opening, slightly at first, but more when the person behind noticed Jinsoul's awake figure. Sooyoung stood there for a second, as if she had no clue what to say, mouth struggling to get out the words. Soon, she gave up, walking over to Jinsoul to put a note in her hands.

Jinsoul's eyebrows met in confusion, looking up at Sooyoung as if to ask, _what's this_? Which Sooyoung returned with a meaningful glare, _just open it_. Swallowing thickly, Jinsoul unfolded the paper, holding it carefully in her hands. She had no clue what this was about, who it was from, had no information at all on it, she didn't even know she was getting a letter.

Sooyoung stood back at the doorway, waiting in both anticipation and dread of what was to come after Jinsoul read the letter. Jinsoul bit her bottom lip anxiously, shifting her attention to the words on the page.

_Jinsoul,_

_I chose to give you a letter rather than talking in person, because I figured it would be better this way. I apologize for being mean, rude, or whatever else I've been to you other than what I should have. Somewhere, someone deep down inside me wants to believe you're good. That your intentions with me mean no harm, that you truly do wish to love me. But I really can't get myself to believe it. My heart feels like it had sunk, my stomach always feels funny and I can't think straight. I don't know what this is, Jinsoul, but I know it's because of you. And if you really do mean it when you say you want to love me, I want you to prove it._

_Jinsoul, I want you to show me you can love me, that you can be loyal, caring, kind, and nurturing. I know I keep pushing you away, but I can't find it in myself to keep away from you anymore, be it mentally or physically. And if you really can show me you're not exactly what I so badly want to think you are, do it. Ask me to be yours._

_-Jungeun_

Jinsoul's eyes widened at that. Maybe in joy, maybe in fear, surprise, disbelief. But probably a mix of it all. She looked up to Sooyoung, trying to get something out of her.

"She was here last night," Sooyoung explained carefully. Jinsoul blinked, not sure what Sooyoung meant by that until she smelt the unfamiliar perfume. She looked down to her side at the embedded body print, bedsheets still wrinkled from the forgotten figure.

"Shit."


	8. seven

She still wouldn't pick up. She still wouldn't answer any of Jinsoul's calls. But Jinsoul wasn't giving up this time, too many times before giving up has only resulted in worsening whatever it was that was going on between them.

"Jinsoul," Sooyoung tried to reclaim the worried girl's attention, holding the phone up to her face with hopeless anticipation. No matter what she did, though, it seemed as if Jinsoul's mind was only going around Jungeun now. Sooyoung sighed, not knowing exactly what to do.

God, when did Jungeun even come up in Jinsoul's life anyway? How long? Is she aware of this, aware of how she's slowly rotting Jinsoul's mind and heart? How she is the only person Sooyoung ever knew that could push Jinsoul into such a state as the one she was in now? Was Jungeun aware of how much she was eating up at Jinsoul's life, taking away her freedom of owning her own mind?

She watched as Jinsoul's lip trembled. She just felt so unendingly sorry. But, in reality, who was to blame for all this?

Sooyoung groaned as she rubbed her temples, everything suddenly becoming too much for her. Her head hurt and the more she remained in that room the more sick to her stomach she felt. She hated seeing Jinsoul like this, so worried over a girl she wasn't even sure she had a chance of getting.

There was a sudden fire ignited in Sooyoung's heart, seeing how the girl in front of her held her tears in so well, yet so unconvincingly at the same time. She knew Jinsoul was a fighter, but somehow she managed to get knocked down. And every time she'd get up again, it was merely an onward spiral of everything this girl was ever going to put Jinsoul through. She just builds and builds and builds this tower of hope, one so large and seemingly sturdy no human could topple it, yet even the lightest breeze could send it crashing down. Sooyoung felt so tired, just really fucking tired of constantly seeing Jinsoul like this. And no matter what, even if she knew Jinsoul was probably the lesser person here, she couldn't possibly find it in her to feel remorse for Jungeun. Only last night has she ever, but once she saw the deep regret in Jinsoul's eyes, she knew Jinsoul didn't think about the harm this was going to cause her.

"Jinsoul," Sooyoung tried again, but to no prevail. Rolling her eyes, Sooyoung grabbed Jinsoul's wrist and pulled the phone away from her face. Finally gaining her attention, Jinsoul looked into Sooyoung's eyes. The sight pained her more than anything, the unwanted but somehow forced eye contact Jinsoul gave to Sooyoung making her feel something twinge in her heart. She knew she had to help her, somehow. "Where does she live?"

Jinsoul took in a shaky breath, not sure what to say. Sooyoung is a determined girl. She doesn't take anyone's shit and doesn't have a problem with calling people out. But the pain in her head wouldn't allow her to think straight, as she immediately gave Sooyoung the address.

And they shared no more words, as Sooyoung shot up and left the dorm as soon as she got her answer.

Jinsoul sniffed, eyes red from the tears she's been holding in. No longer will she cry over Jungeun, no longer will her tears belong to her. Because if Jungeun decided she doesn't want Jinsoul, she cannot own anything of hers. Maybe it was paradoxical, though, considering Jungeun owned her entire heart and mind. She just didn't know it, yet.

But will she ever? Will she ever just admit to Jungeun, hell, even admit it to herself? That this burning in her chest wasn't one you felt for someone you wanted, this throbbing in your heart not felt for someone you just craved. This longing in her mind, tugging in her stomach, hurt in so many places and too many fields, wasn't just for selfish desire. Not even fit feelings for someone you liked a lot. She tried so hard to push the thought away and keep the tears in her eyes, but the harder she tried the more she struggled, the more her body gave in. Because even her body knew who it belonged to, everything inside her at an argument. Her legs started shaking despite already being sat down, eyes so tear-filled and blurry she couldn't see how much Jungeun effected her. _Please_ , she just wanted to close her eyes and close them forever, keeping her away from reality. _I'll do anything if you stop making me feel this way_. She swallowed thickly, shaky hand coming up to wipe her tears, but it was too late. She couldn't realize how they'd already fallen, cheeks already painted with the emotion from her eyes. She begged in her mind as if Jungeun could hear. _I will stay away from you. I will serve you forever. Anything, please, just please, stop whatever this is in my chest. Please, my princess. I don't like this feeling anymore. It hurts._

_Please._

\---

Immediately, Sooyoung found herself in a car rushing to Jungeun's place, despite knowing it wasn't too much of a walk. She needed to give Jungeun a piece of her mind, and it didn't matter how sorry Jungeun says she is.

There's a certain kind of unexplainable pain going through Sooyoung's heart. Through Sooyoung's mind. Jinsoul was someone she could trust with her life, and seeing her upset about this girl yet again just crushed something in her. Her heart was beating so fast, fiercely turning the car to the parking lot of the apartment complex she stopped in front of. Gathering her breath, she slammed her car door and marched to the door that lead to her room. She inhaled sharply one last time, heart beating rapidly. She was so nervous, but she had to do _something_. She placed two loud knocks on the door, looking down anxiously at the carpet.

No response.

She tried again. But each time she was only met with the dead sound of silence. "Jungeun," she called. "It's Sooyoung."

"Please go," she heard a muffled yelp back. Her heart ached even more at that. She couldn't believe it, how both parties could feel so heartbroken at once when nothing much seemed to happen between them. But she could always feel the affection Jinsoul wished to give Jungeun, she knows and understands both their sorrows.

Sighing, Sooyoung softened her stance and leaned her forehead against the wood that blocked her from Jungeun. "I want to help, Jungeun. You're hurt. Just let me help a little, please?" She could hear sniffling and footsteps approaching the door.

Before Jungeun opened it, she hesitatingly asked, "Is... Is Jinsoul there?" She didn't know if she was ready to see her again. Her mind wanted her to stay away forever, and for good, but her heart longed for her just once more.

"No," Sooyoung shook her head, taking a deep breath. She didn't know how she was going to fix this. But somehow, she would. Her heart couldn't bare them being like this.

The door opened suddenly, causing Sooyoung to jump, but as she looked in she was greeted by a tear-stained Jungeun. Her eyes were puffy and her face was flushed with a gentle pink, dried lakes of tears that had streamed down her face. Her first reaction was to hug the girl closely, but she didn't want to scare her. Instead, she just stepped inside her apartment. She sat down on the couch, waiting for Jungeun to do the same. But rather, she remained standing, in fact, walking over to another room.

Sooyoung was so confused, but when Jungeun returned with tissues she understood. "Sorry," Jungeun almost laughed in light of herself. "Just in case."

Sooyoung smiled a bit at that, studying Jungeun's face. She looked so pitiful, like a lost girl in an unfamiliar place. Sooyoung wasn't sure _what_ to do. All she knew was that she had to do _something_. Swallowing thickly, she looked down at her lap. It was so hard to look Jungeun in the eyes right now, it just made her want to curl up and cry.

"Are you okay?" Sooyoung asked gently.

Jungeun almost laughed at that, "Do I look it? I don't know what I don't have, Sooyoung. What... What do those girls have that I don't?" She asked, voice broken. Her heart hurt so much, it felt like it had been ripped to shreds and each piece was left to crumble and fall, as if it were a rose petal. She looked down at her fidgeting fingers, not being able to look at Sooyoung in the eyes right now. _God damnit_ , how was she so weak? How did she already feel like crying again?

Sooyoung scooted closer to her, "Can I hug you?" She asked supportingly. Jungeun nodded, still looking down into nothingness as she felt a warmth enclose her. She sighed, _if only I could feel as safe on the inside with you as I am on the outside._ Sooyoung felt a tear drop onto her shoulder, and that's when she broke.

Maybe she wasn't part of this. Maybe she shouldn't get involved in this. But no matter what, she would always be a shoulder to lean on. The remorse in her chest that she felt for Jungeun burned and coursed through her veins, she was so determined to fix her. To fix them.

"You know," Sooyoung spoke softly through her tears into Jungeun's hair, rubbing the small of her back comfortingly. "You are so cherished to Jinsoul. She won't tell me exactly how she feels, but I mean it when I say this; she likes you a lot. If you take anything away from this, anything at all, let it be that. She really likes you, Jungeun, and she doesn't want to lose you. She was drunk. She didn't know what she was doing. And I know that doesn't make it right, but please, listen to me," Sooyoung sniffed. Jungeun could feel Sooyoung's rapid heartbeat on her chest. She felt how hers was almost as fast as the rhythm of her own. "You have everything she wants. She likes you because you aren't afraid, you're persistent and strong. She admires that. Trust me. I know you've given her chance after chance, but Jungeun," Sooyoung pulled away but kept her hands on Jungeun's shoulders. "All she needs is one more."

Jungeun felt tears leave her eyes at the statement. How could Jinsoul still possibly want her? Nothing made sense anymore, her head was pounding so harshly. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears. She thought about it a little, hiccuping, "One?"

"Just one," Sooyoung nodded. "And I promise you, if she messes up again I will personally deal with her. But she won't. She wouldn't dare. Just give her one more chance." Sooyoung's teary eyes stared promisingly into Jungeun's. "How many days does she have left?"

Jungeun tried to blink her tears away. She didn't know if this twist in her gut was an instinct to believe her or to force her out of her apartment. Disregarding her thoughts, she answered, "Two."

Sooyoung hummed, nodding. "Let her use them. And please, just be open about it. She won't waste her chance," she said supportingly. Jungeun bit the inside of her cheek.

"You promise?" She asked, wide eyes brokenly looking at Sooyoung, searching for any sign of a lie. Sooyoung's heart hurt at that, but of course she shouldn't complain. They barely knew each other.

"I promise."

\---

Jinsoul stared at Sooyoung as if she had two heads. "You... What?"

"I told Jungeun to give you one more chance. And if you're not ignorant, you're gonna take it up and not disappoint her this time. Do you hear me?" Sooyoung sternly yet carefully explained to Jinsoul.

She nodded immediately, but gulped in fear. It felt like her heart was going to explode. "Sooyoung, what's happening?" Jinsoul whined in a plead, as if she was begging to know. Her chest hurt so much, she was sure it was going to tear in two. Her heart disagreed with her body, and somehow everything hurt. She looked at Sooyoung through her blurred vision pleadingly. "I don't like it. I don't know what's happening. Sooyoung, please stop it, stop this feeling, please," Jinsoul begged.

Sooyoung stared sorrowfully at her. She couldn't understand her pain.

"I'll do whatever you want me to. I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't do anything. Because I hurt so much, it feels like even existing hurts," she sobbed, placing a hand over her rapid heart. "My- My heart... Hurts, it hurts so badly, Sooyoung, and I can't stop it." Sooyoung felt so apologetic, she bit her lip as she continued listening to Jinsoul's pleads. "Can she stop this? If she started this, can she stop it? Please tell me yes, please, Sooyoung. I can't function like this, I hurt so much," Jinsoul whined, taking one of Sooyoung's hands with both of her own. "Anything... I'll do anything, just make it stop."

Sooyoung felt like bursting out in tears. Jinsoul was in so much pain, she was begging Sooyoung to do anything to fix it. She chewed on her bottom lip as she stared down at Jinsoul, who had tears streaming down her face and a trembling jaw. She wanted to protect her. She wanted to save her. But she didn't know how.

"If Jungeun started it," Sooyoung explained cautiously to the girl. "She has to be the one who stops it."

Jinsoul's face merged into a pout, but she nodded in acceptance. "She can stop this? And- And then I can get this weight off my chest? And this cloud out of my mind?"

Sooyoung nodded slowly, wanting to make sure Jinsoul understood. "She can fix you."

"You're sure?" Sooyoung could feel Jinsoul's hands shaking as they held hers.

"I'm sure. Because you love her," Sooyoung explained.

For once, Jinsoul felt her heart stop. After beating so rapidly, for so long. But once she got to think about it, her pace quickened again. Her eyes were wide as she thought, _no, I... I can't be in love._ Sooyoung didn't even say she was falling. Just that she was already in love. No matter how hard Jinsoul tried to shake the thought away, there was a certain serenity in the idea. _Maybe that's why_. But if Jungeun loved her too, like implied in the card, why would she hurt her chest like this? Did she do it on purpose? Jinsoul didn't know love, has never fallen before. She coughed, clearing her throat, but her heartbeat remained. She was so scared.

_Oh god. I'm in love._


	9. eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this chapter is kinda cliche i watched a lot of romantic movies today dksksldka
> 
> tw: toxic relationships

Jinsoul couldn't sleep the entire night, and she wasn't sure if it was out of fear or excitement. Because no matter how badly she wanted this, she couldn't help but to feel only as a burden to Jungeun. She's disappointed her time after time and yet Jinsoul is still so fucking greedy and want her back again, despite how badly she's upset Jungeun. She wanted to reject the offer but she couldn't, she was so fucking greedy and kept wanting Jungeun, only Jungeun, because at this point nothing else would suffice.

Her heart beat so fast and so loud, it felt awkward in her chest. She was scared, but if what Sooyoung said is true... if Jungeun really could heal her shattered heart... maybe there was no more reason to tremble in fear. Maybe Jungeun did have the missing piece back to the puzzle of Jinsoul's heart, and maybe then Jinsoul will be able to breathe again. But if there was no reason to still tremble and worry, Jinsoul's heart really wasn't understanding that.

She wondered how, how, of all opportunities life could give her, of all chances she could have taken, she still somehow ended up meeting Jungeun. Jinsoul couldn't tell if it was a blessing or a curse, how Jungeun's presence alone could easily shake Jinsoul so well. She wondered if Jungeun knew what she was doing to poor Jinsoul, how she was so cruelly playing with her heart and letting it dangle on its last string, squeezing and punching and abusing it as she pleased. Somehow Jinsoul's heart could be in her own body and to herself, yet it was still fully Jungeun's, completely hers to manipulate and tear at. Jungeun was the only owner of Jinsoul's heart, not even Jinsoul herself had rightful access to it anymore.

Jinsoul closed her eyes tight as her chest tightened, longing for the awaited look of Jungeun, for the second chance she's gotten a hundred times. What the fuck was this? What is this feeling, and why is it so _fucking_ painful? Why did her chest squeeze every time her mind dared to do as much as to even _think_ about the girl who ruined Jinsoul's morals, the girl who ruined Jinsoul's self image, self knowing, self confidence. Or, simply put, the girl who ruined Jinsoul.

She wanted to be fixed. Wanted to be normal again, but Jungeun turned Jinsoul into someone else. Someone Jinsoul didn't like. She was so sure that entering college locked sensitivity far back into her mind, where it would never be revealed again, would never be seen by others again. But, yet again, Jungeun has proven that she is the owner of Jinsoul's body, and she'll invite whatever emotions or feelings she pleased.

A chill went down Jinsoul's spine as she thought about Jungeun again. _God damnit_. "What have you done to me, you confusing girl?"

\---

Jinsoul looked consciously into the mirror, not exactly bothering to put on something very appealing. She almost face palmed herself, remembering the little outfit she wore at their last attempted date. She couldn't believe Jungeun brought out the softie in her, not even Jinsoul herself expected that. Jungeun had such a weird effect on Jinsoul. She wasn't exactly sure what to think about that, but she probably wouldn't be able to anyway, considering she could only hear the rapid rhythm of her heartbeat in her ears. Scared wasn't a strong enough word to put it.

This feeling, this damned pounding in her chest beating to the rhythm of a song she wasn't familiar with, was so brutal, so agonizing and unknown, what the fuck was even happening? Was she going to die? Jinsoul swallowed thickly as if to stop her frantic heartbeat, but to an expected failure. She sighed, biting her lip as she sat down onto the carpet. Her eyes were dry but somehow it felt like she was going to cry.

Her jaw trembled as she looked at herself again in the mirror, _what has she done to me_? This feeling was so unexplainable, so weird and unfamiliar. Love shouldn't feel like this. This isn't love.

Right?

Jinsoul smiled weakly, _I really hope so._

Her breath got caught in her throat thinking about it, how inescapable and torturous your heart can be. How despite never being in love before, Jinsoul knew how your heart could play you. How it can mangle your emotions and make you believe in things that aren't there, make you think things that aren't true. How your heart can break you completely by building itself up, convincing you of feelings that shouldn't be there. And no one is ever ready for it, no matter how much they say they can live with it, it always comes out unexpected. Because you will never be left alone, never be a forgotten victim, never have even a day off when you're left alone with your heart. When you start being aware of emotion, how easily it can turn on you to make something that's meant to be beautiful reduce to the remnants of shattered epiphany. The bittersweet seduction of wanting to love, always crushed by your demanding heart.

No matter what, your heart is always against you. Jinsoul was sure of it.

She stared into the mirror, no longer seeing herself. No longer seeing the Jinsoul she wanted so badly to become, the strong, confident bitch that no one dared to fool, the one who could melt a girl's fragile heart and shape it into her own for a night, recycling it as useless the next. She stared into her own eyes and searched so hard for her, the better one of her. But slowly, she could feel her slipping away, expelling from her soul as with all the confidence she's gained and grown. Everything she's built up and acted as leaving her memory, subtracting her to the insecure girl she didn't want to be.

And nothing, _nothing_ was scarier than coming eye to eye with her. Seeing her vulnerable eyes, the way she tried to hide under a glare, even if it was her own. Jinsoul couldn't pull her focus away from the mirror, couldn't turn her head even if she wanted to, those devilish thoughts creeping into her mind again, reminding her that she would once again be little to nothing to Jungeun. _Stop thinking._

How Jungeun stole all her confidence with cold blood, even if she didn't know it. Her mind became an open house for intrusive memories that hit her like a bullet, the things she wanted to forget or leave in the past coming back to her. _Please, stop thinking_. Her mind wandered to all the what ifs, every wrong scenario that could ever fucking unleash upon her attacking her all at once, the ache in her chest being no help in defense to her mind. She felt helpless in her own body, weak in her own being, attacked so much that she no longer belonged to herself, she was merely a product of her own mind. To be played with by the strings and manipulated, to be owned and ordered around, living as a robot more than a human, slaving to her own body. All she had now was her soul, the thing that had to watch as everything unleashed, poorly trying to escape and call out for help. It never stops. It will never stop, never give her a break. It's either live like this or not at all. She wasn't sure which would be more painful anymore.

Closing her eyes tight, she pulled herself back on her feet. _Be stronger than yourself_. She opened her eyes courageously, staring back at her reflection. _Be bigger than yourself._ She took a deep breath, looking down at herself. _Be braver than yourself._ She turned around, striding out her room as she searched for that inner confidence. _Be better than yourself._

"Jinsoul," Sooyoung called out, watching her walk to the front door before she gained her attention. She walked over quickly to the unsure girl, not knowing whether she was confident or insecure, strong or weak, proud or nervous. She placed her hands on Jinsoul's shoulders, running them down her forearms and back to her shoulders comfortingly. Jinsoul stared wide-eyed back at Sooyoung, trying so hard to seal her insecurities and portray strength. But even then, Sooyoung felt unsure about Jinsoul's feelings. "Be yourself. You'll be fine."

Jinsoul wasn't sure if Sooyoung could read her mind, but she wasn't ready to accept what she just said. Sooyoung didn't know Jinsoul right now. Not even Jinsoul knew herself right now. She was so unsure and scared. "I am fine," she replied calmly through a smile. Somehow, Sooyoung didn't believe it, though.

"Listen," Sooyoung spoke softly, staring into Jinsoul's scared eyes. "I don't know what's going on, but don't lie to me. You're not fine." Jinsoul gulped and gave a small nod. "That's okay. You don't have to be fine always. Just be fine now."

Jinsoul looked down to the ground, avoiding eye contact. "How would you know?"

"I'm your best friend. I just know," Sooyoung took one of her hands and lifted Jinsoul's chin to make Jinsoul meet her stare. "Go out there and be yourself. I know exactly why she ran away all those other times. You aren't being you. Even if it's the little things you're filtering out, stop it. Now."

Jinsoul's eyes stared considerately into Sooyoung's for a second. Was that genuine advice? But soon, her gaze grew cold, unaccepting and menacing under Sooyoung's. She pushed Sooyoung off of herself, walking up to her. "You don't know me. Stop trying to control me. You don't know the real me, and you don't want to know the real me," Jinsoul said harshly through gritted teeth. "You think you run me, don't you? You run my decisions, my entire fucking life," Jinsoul spat, gaze unwelcoming as she kept advancing onto Sooyoung, causing her to take steps back. "You don't. You _bitch_."

Sooyoung's mouth dropped, so surprised at the sudden harshness of Jinsoul's tone. She's never spoken like that to her before, not once. This shocked Sooyoung, but she wasn't going to back down. "Are you listening to yourself?! Jinsoul, please, stop, now. This isn't you talking. I don't know what's happening-"

"Shut the fuck up," Jinsoul cut off. "I don't want your pity advice. This is my last chance for Jungeun and I'm not taking anyone's advice except my own. I'll be whoever the fuck I want to be. Stop controlling me. I don't like me. You wouldn't like me. Jungeun wouldn't like me."

Biting her lip, Sooyoung pushed Jinsoul into the wall, pinning her onto it. Jinsoul struggled against Sooyoung's grip, but it wasn't going to give out. "Let go!" Jinsoul yelled.

"I don't like who you're becoming, Jinsoul," Sooyoung spoke out, keeping eye contact with the other. "If you could see yourself right now, you wouldn't, either. I always knew love changes people. But are you serious? This isn't right," Sooyoung stared into Jinsoul's eyes, forcing eye contact as she continued. "I don't know what's gotten into you. Am I not your friend?"

Jinsoul didn't respond. Sooyoung's eyes saddened at the lack of her response. She didn't expect Jinsoul's answer to be anything other than _of course you are my friend_. Sooyoung sighed sadly, her grip softening a little. "I tried so hard for you, Jinsoul. Why can't you accept it?" Sooyoung's voice broke a little as tears filled her eyes, making her vision blurry. But she refused to cry, not in this situation. "You... You don't hate me.. Do you?"

Jinsoul's gaze softened, but the stubbornness inside of her didn't let her respond. She watched as Sooyoung weakly released her grip, finally looking down at her feet and breaking eye contact. She wanted to reach out to her and embrace her in a hug, apologizing endlessly, but her body stood frozen. Every fiber of her screamed to move and say sorry, but something in her wouldn't allow that. Ache reached her entire body and it felt like the world collapsed onto her as she saw a single tear roll unnoticed down Sooyoung's cheek, sparkling in the light.

"I..." Sooyoung swallowed thickly. "Good luck on your date, Jinsoul," Sooyoung muttered, voice shattered. Before Jinsoul could even reply, Sooyoung was off to her room, door slamming loudly as it was followed by a quiet sob. Jinsoul's face softened as she realized what just happened.

_Oh no_... She bit her lip, gripping the hair on her scalp. _I'm so fucking stupid. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid._ She knew she had to go to Jungeun now, but for some reason, her body prioritized apologizing to Sooyoung. Her mind and body were at war as she ran to Sooyoung's room, knocking intensely on the door.

"Sooyoung?" She kept knocking in hopes the locked door would open. "Please open up, I don't know why I did that..." Jinsoul gathered her breath as she stopped knocking for a moment, listening inside the room. It was almost silent, other than the sniffling you'd hear every now and then. Her gut felt twisted, she felt so terrible suddenly. Right now, the only thing going through her mind was apologizing. "I'm going to be late... Oh, god damnit..." Jinsoul muttered, more to herself than to Sooyoung. She knew she had to apologize, even if it wasn't face to face. She wouldn't be in the right mindset the rest of the day if she didn't.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for what I said, what I did, what I... everything. I don't want to lose you. I have so little people left by my side, Sooyoung. You're the only one that trusts me anymore..." Jinsoul bit the inside of her cheek, waiting for a response, but instead being met with silence. She sighed, this is how Sooyoung felt, huh? She looked down at her phone to check the time, nearing dangerously late for her date. "I have to go. Please forgive me."

\---

Jungeun's smile slowly faded from her face the more minutes that passed, the more minutes that Jinsoul still hasn't arrived. She was starting to give up hope. Why was she so excited, anyway? She knew it was going to be a screw up again, that's what always happened with them two... But this time felt different. This time she felt genuinely betrayed. She really believed Sooyoung's words. But even then, she still waited for Jinsoul. Still waited, even if her mind told her not to.

So she waited.

And waited.

Jungeun tapped her foot impatiently as she sat on the couch, still waiting for Jinsoul to arrive. She was already twenty minutes late and Jungeun was so ready to give her hopes up, realizing she really didn't mean anything significant to Jinsoul. Because if she did, she'd already be by her side right now, accompanied with her smile and the way her eyes light up when she looks at Jungeun. Because if she did, Jinsoul's heart would never allow her to lay with another girl if Jungeun was already in her heart like she said. A lump grew in Jungeun's throat as she continued tapping her foot against the floorboards, biting her lip.

Her eyes saddened as she remembered how the last time they went on a date went. How she blew up at Jinsoul- or, how Jinsoul blew up at her. She didn't know which one was the right one anymore. Something in the back of Jungeun's mind begged her to stop torturing herself, to stop continuously running back to Jinsoul every time she does as much as to feign sorrow to her. She puts so much faith in everyone, and normally she never gets disappointed. But somehow, Jinsoul is really testing her patience, trust issues building up more and more.

And she felt like the helpless little girl she was again, the girl who believed in everyone to blindsight the fact she had no one. The girl who was coincidentally met with Jinsoul at the library door one fateful day, the girl who was secretly swooned with her words but played innocent on the outside. Who lived in her own shell, creating a force field of herself that sheltered her from the danger she held within.

And within was the girl who hid, the girl so scared of everyone and everything to the point where nothing even exists anymore except your thoughts and yourself, cradled in a spiral of the fear of disappointing others, an endless staircase of _what happens next_? The girl who was hurt by the one she loved most, the one she put every ounce of her trust and loyalty into, just to have it grabbed by the crude hatred of her everything, draining her completely of social hope.

Jungeun's lip started to bleed from the force of her teeth that sank into it, but she didn't care, as the pain distracted her from her blurred vision and tangled heartstrings. Memories started to pop up, memories she hasn't relived in a long time. Memories that haven't haunted her since she met Jinsoul, memories that she never forgot about, but never remembered, either. But suddenly, it came back to her like a fucking bullet. She didn't want to remember, but that's all her mind would let her do right now. She wanted to make the hidden girl vanish, disappear forever, but even then, her feelings would always remain.

She thought she left it in the past. But as Jinsoul kept disappointing her, it felt so fucking similar to it. So similar, she couldn't help but to immediately draw connections. She just hoped Jinsoul wouldn't do the same to her, but it feels like she already did.

Why does she chose to trust such people?

_"I can't believe this," Jungeun laughed in light of herself, tears soaking her face. "Again? I... Am I not good enough? Is that it?" Her lip trembled as she watched him pout, stepping closer to Jungeun._

_"You know you're my only one... I don't know what I was thinking, baby..." He mumbled, but Jungeun only pushed him off of her._

_"No! Stop- Stop playing with my fucking mind, okay?! I don't.. I can't.. Just... What the fuck?" Jungeun cried, fists moving to punch at his chest, to which he allowed. But as her knuckles kept hitting against him, she realized this was doing absolutely nothing, not affecting him in the slightest. Her fists gave out as she yelped out a struggled cry, fists tightening at her sides. "What do all those girls have that I don't??"_

_"Baby, listen..."_

_"Shut up!" Jungeun yelled, her heart clenching painfully in her chest. Her eyes were red, burning from all the tears they were being drained of. "You.. You..." Jungeun breathed heavily, not being able to think of the right word. "I can't believe you... You f-fucking don't love me," Jungeun hid her face from him, turning around to storm out of the room._

_Time after time she's caught him being unfaithful, hooking up with some other girl and apologizing the next morning. She felt so drained, so fucking drained, and every time it hurt a little more. But for some sick reason, his words always convinced her to stay every time. She desperately wanted to leave before it was too late, before he could fake an apology again, but the grip around her arm refrained her from stepping another inch away from him._

_"You know I'm sorry," he said, dragging her frail body into his warm one. His arms wrapped around her, and it felt like burning in hell right now, but Jungeun couldn't fucking leave it. She didn't even want to fucking leave it. A fire consumed her entire body as she was held by him, slowly burning every inch of the moment away until she was left with the ashes of a forgotten love, mistaking them for romantic hope. "You are so much better than them..." He whispered into her ear, her body frozen yet limp in his touch. "Why don't I remind you how much you mean to me..?" She could feel his deceitful fucking smirk on her skin, but every inch of her body yearned and craved for him, a disgusting feeling weighted down on her heart as she mumbled back to him._

_"Yes."_

_Her body may have enjoyed the flames, but her heart would never be the same, never forgive her for each time she dug her own grave deeper and deeper, dismissing herself into the core of hell. And so the sick rhythm of his song played out in her heart, except the melody was played on her heartstrings until they wore out, untuned, and the song no longer sounded the same to him. The game no longer seemed fun to him, and so he left her with a shattered heart and a closed off mind._

\---

Jungeun shook her head, shaking the memories away. Even if those memories were more fucking painful than anything else, her eyes remained dry at the thought. For the first time, she didn't cry remembering him.  For the first time, Jungeun didn't stay stuck in her mind for hours thinking about him. She couldn't let him eat her up anymore, not when she had so many other things to think of right now. She had to stay strong. Had to prove to her own heart she was bigger than what it presumed her to be, and she was not going to let him own her tears. She wondered why the memory came back only now, when she hasn't thought of it in a while. Her heart didn't think Jinsoul would do that to her.. did it?

No... No, there was a reason she could stop thinking of him. There was a reason her heart allowed her to take control. Because he was gone now, completely gone from her heart, but instead overshadowed by a newer interest, one she was almost scared to admit.

She knew she liked Jinsoul, but to know Jinsoul was in her heart... _Wow_.

Her heart glistened in joy when she thought of how Jinsoul first opened up to her. When she followed her into the library and just sat with her, then talked with her like a normal human. Her cheeks covered in blush, cupping her own cheek as she remembered every second of the day. It was so odd. Really fucking out of the ordinary. But, god, she really fucking liked that Jinsoul, the one who was real with her, treated her like a longtime friend, sat with her for so long and talked with her normally. Even apologized to her for something that, honestly, wasn't too big of a deal. How soft Jinsoul's voice was when they were walking out of the library, how bright her smile seemed... God, she really loved that smile. The genuine, kind one. The first one she really felt her heart flutter at. Her eyes were so soft, looking at her not like prey, but instead someone who she knew and trusted. That day... That damn day, Jungeun could never forget it.

She never wanted to.

Their first kiss. It felt so magical, their lips connecting for the first time. Jungeun bit the insides of her cheeks to prevent the stupid smile threatening to spread across her face. She could still feel the electricity running through her veins, the excitement and anticipation lingering on her lips. It was so perfect. Even if the situation after wasn't. She felt something cute in her heart as she allowed her smile to take place and widen to her cheeks. Her chest felt so funny as she kept remembering her moments with Jinsoul, not sure what it was.

Each memory untangled a string of Jungeun's heart, it seemed. She wondered if Jinsoul loved these moments too. Or if Jinsoul's heart felt beautiful just thinking about Jungeun. Just like how it did to Jungeun when she thought of Jinsoul. She wanted Jinsoul's heart to feel beautiful. She deserved it.

She didn't even care if Jinsoul was going to arrive anymore, just happy that maybe Jinsoul cared for her in the first place. Suddenly, she seemed so optimistic, so excited and full of life again, her heart no longer scared when thinking of Jinsoul. Jungeun's chest felt so clear, so free from the weight she never knew she was carrying.

_Knock, knock._

Jungeun bolted up from the couch, a wide grin plastered on her face as she opened the door wide. Jinsoul looked surprised at Jungeun being so happy, but soon she found a smile spreading across her own face as well. Jungeun's eyes looked warmly into Jinsoul's as it felt so much like last time, when Jinsoul came to her dorm for their first date. Her heart still had the same affect as it did then, beating fondly seeing Jinsoul in her more natural state.

She looked at her own body, wearing a cute dress that, _okay_ , was a _little_ short, but she felt so confident in it. Her hair was nothing special, only being brushed so since she woke up kind of late. She laughed a little, seeing how much their roles have reversed since last time.

"You're- You look gorgeous," Jinsoul blushed as she spoke softly. Her hands hid behind her back as she continued staring into Jungeun's eyes, enjoying how lost she could get in them. Her heart pounded furiously now in her chest, but it was almost as if it was muted to Jinsoul's mind, not even processing the burn of looking at the one she held so dearly. She inhaled sharply as Jungeun muttered a thank you, her cheeks also turning pink.

Jinsoul looked nervously at the ground, feeling stuck in the same position she was in a few days ago. She wanted to smack herself for ruining that day, but instead she just locked eye contact with Jungeun again. Because every time she did, the butterflies in her stomach erupted beautifully and ate at her heart for the moment, so she could ignore the pain for a little. A pretty pink was still painted across her cheeks, hands fumbling with the object she held behind her back, biting her lip in regret. She seemed too clingy for getting her flowers, didn't she?

"What's that?" Jungeun's curiosity got the best of her when she heard the crinkling of something Jinsoul hid from her.

Jinsoul laughed anxiously, "Oh? What, uh-" Jinsoul looked at the ground, feeling as if she was going to break a sweat. Her heart clenched from the loss of seeing Jungeun, even for a brief second, immediately shooting her head back up to look at her again. "It's, uh, They're.. I got you flowers," Jinsoul's face heated up as she held the flowers out to Jungeun, eyes bright but nervous as she waited for Jungeun to take them. "It's stupid, I know... I shouldn't have done this so soon, I-"

"I love them," Jungeun smiled to Jinsoul, holding the flowers to her chest. Jungeun put the flowers in a small vase sitting on the table by her couch, replacing the partially dead ones with them. Jungeun returned and looked into Jinsoul's eyes expectantly, so excited for what was going to happen.

There was no way Jinsoul would screw up this time. No way.

Jungeun was familiar with love. Of course she was. But for some odd reason, she couldn't tell if it was love she felt for Jinsoul. Because this kind of way her heart fluttered when she looked at Jinsoul, when she held her hand and walked to her car with her, she felt anticipation coursing through her veins because of it, it was so new. When she sat in the car driving somewhere with her as they talked over quiet songs playing on the radio, she felt her stomach do flips. It was so different than what she was used to when she thinks she's in love. Different, but so nice. Better than being in love.

Every time their eyes locked with each other's, Jinsoul could feel it, feel her heart do its thing. But for now, it didn't hurt. And it didn't pain her or cause her trouble, because when she looked at Jungeun, she liked the way it hurt. It was okay, because looking at Jungeun healed her mind, gave her a good distraction. She was so happy to be here with Jungeun again. Except now, she knew exactly what she was going to do. Knew not to mess it up. No matter what.

The car came to a stop and the two, hand in hand, approached the building in front of them. Jungeun's eyes lit up, seeing the name of it. "Oh, a book store!" She exclaimed in joy, looking into Jinsoul's eyes happily. Jinsoul's heart melted seeing her childish smile, how her eyes closed a little from how wide it was. Jinsoul chuckled, squeezing Jungeun's hand tighter. Her heart normally would feel so painful right now, but instead she felt so alive.

Their arms swung lightly as they pushed the glass door open, welcoming them inside the store. It was fairly big, a wide array of books of all kinds offered here. There was small talk heard all around, the faint scent of coffee reaching their noses from the cafe at the other end of the store. Jinsoul smiled seeing Jungeun's wide eyes scan the entire room, it was so large. So much to explore.

The atmosphere was very lively, everyone in the store was smiling and chatting with one another, doing the same as Jinsoul and Jungeun did. "You planned this?" Jungeun asked, still looking around the store.

Jinsoul laughed, "A while ago, actually."

Jungeun looked up at Jinsoul, looking like a happy child on their birthday. Her eyes glistened as she looked into Jinsoul's eyes, searching for something she wasn't sure of, she scanned every inch of Jinsoul's beautiful face. She really fucking felt different when it came to Jinsoul. Every time she looked at her, it was like she forgot everything else in the world. Forgot every time she's disappointed her, because when she was here, so close to her, nothing else mattered anymore. Her heart fluttered euphorically, her eyes full of brightness.

Quickly, she grabbed Jinsoul's hand tighter and dragged her with her to a selection of books. "Oh my gosh, I'm so happy," Jungeun squealed. Jinsoul laughed at Jungeun's cuteness as they stopped at a selection of young adult novels. They kept passing isles, fantasy, sci-fi, action...

"Wow, they all look so interesting..." Jungeun muttered, eyes scanning the books brightly. "But I didn't bring my wallet. I would have if I known," Jungeun said, a hint of sadness seeping through her voice.

"You can pick a book," Jinsoul gave Jungeun a reassuring smile. "It'll be on me."

"Really?" Jungeun's eyes brightened up, watching Jinsoul nod. "I'll pay you back, I promise-"

"It's okay, Jungeun," Jinsoul laughed. "I can pay for it and you won't pay me back."

Jungeun asked again just to make sure, to which Jinsoul's answer remained the same. Jungeun picked a book that really caught her attention and took it with her to the cashier, so Jinsoul could buy it for her.

"You two on a date?" the cashier asked as she saw them holding each other's hands. She looked a little judgmental, but Jungeun didn't care.

"Yeah!" Jungeun smiled brightly.

"Mm," the cashier hummed, scanning the book and putting it in a bag for Jungeun.

Once the cashier gave the book back to Jungeun, she turned to Jinsoul and engulfed her in a hug, dancing on her feet as she thanked Jinsoul again and again. Jinsoul smiled, she couldn't stop smiling since she's seen Jungeun. It felt so natural, so right to be in Jungeun's arms, she was sure there was no where safer or warmer to be.

They walked to the cafe at the other end of the store, Jungeun going on about how excited she was that she finally has the first book to the series she's always wanted to read. Jinsoul normally wasn't exactly interested in books, but she loved seeing Jungeun so happy. It was as if Jungeun's home was at the library. She could tell how much she liked it here.

"Two regular coffees, please," Jinsoul smiled to the barista, who responded with a nod. She looked back to Jungeun who was already reading the first page of the book.

"Oh, you nerd," Jinsoul teased with a small laugh, causing Jungeun to look up and laugh as well.

"I'm not a nerd," Jungeun replied defensively, staring into Jinsoul's eyes with a small smile across her face.

"Yeah... you are," Jinsoul swiped her thumb against the back of Jungeun's hand that she held.

Jungeun chuckled in defeat, "Okay, I guess, only a little." She closed the book and slid it back in her bag. "But there's a lot more to me than books and studying," Jungeun explained.

"Two regulars!" Their order got called out. Thanking the barista, Jinsoul brought the coffees to a free table for them to sit at.

"Then tell me about yourself," Jinsoul took a sip of the still hot coffee, embarrassing herself as she burned her tongue on it. "Jesus, fuck- that's.. don't try to drink that yet," she laughed innocently.

"What's there to tell about?" Jungeun shrugged.

"Hmm," Jinsoul thought for a second, eyes closing in thought. "What do you like to do in your free time?"

Jungeun paused for a second in thought. "Watch something on tv. Maybe get together with friends."

Jinsoul nodded at that, smirking a little, "What friends?" She laughed as Jungeun swatted her along with an offended _hey_! She wanted to know everything there was to Jungeun, but it was hard to form singular questions. "What do you like about me?"

Jungeun laughed, "Zero to a hundred real quick," she took a moment to think about it, while staring at Jinsoul. "Well... Gee, what don't I like about you?" She rubbed the back of her neck, smiling nervously. "What do I like about you... I like your smile. The kind one that gives me goosebumps every time I see it. I like how you are confident- but also vulnerable. Does that make sense?"

Jinsoul smiled brightly while listening to Jungeun. She knew if Jungeun asked her this question, Jinsoul would never be able to stop talking. "I am great, aren't I?" Jinsoul flipped her hair over her shoulder. Her heart pounded as she looked at Jungeun, chest feeling so warm. This warmth only kept growing the more time she spent with Jungeun today, but she loved it. She loved every second of it.

"I also like you when you shut up," Jungeun said again before Jinsoul got too cocky. Jinsoul continued asking Jungeun questions, and she provided every one with an answer. Jinsoul tried hard to give Jungeun her full attention, but her heart was beating so fast it was distracting. And her heart glistened brilliantly every time Jungeun gave her a small smile, a little laugh, held eye contact.

Jungeun's entire world seemed as if it was the girl sitting across from her. Because the more she thought about it, the more she realized how fucking much this girl mattered to her. It was like something deep inside of her always knew it was her who she depended on, who she could smile to and talk with and rant about the stupid things. She felt the cliche kind of romance you always see in the movies, those cheesy movies you love to hate or hate to love. She really felt like she was living in one, being by Jinsoul's side. Her heart, it beat like never before with an emotion so strong and so different Jungeun almost didn't know what to label it, because somehow, she really wanted to trust Jinsoul and allow her in her heart, forever. Her chest clenched beautifully at the thought, thinking of the times when their lips connected, thinking of the times when they'd have their stupid petty callbacks and that one night at the party... That party...

The first one Jungeun's been to in a while, at that time. How scared she was to go, how her friends convinced her it would be fun. And then how nervous she was when she arrived, how she stood in a corner doing nothing except being trapped in her thoughts, thinking about a certain cute, _stupid_ girl. She couldn't help but to smile at the thought. And then how by odd chance, that same girl would be the one who approached her that night. Who made a promise to her, that one day, she'll win her over.

And thinking back to it, yeah, Jinsoul did. Just maybe not in the way she'd ever think she would.

The questions ranged from pretty irrelevant to normal to maybe a little weird, but Jungeun didn't mind. Sometimes she'd ask a question back, wanting to learn about Jinsoul as well. But it seemed as if her mind was fogged, as her answers were kind of short and bland. She wondered what Jinsoul was thinking.

Question after question, they got up from their seats, throwing out their trash as they walked in silence to the exit, Jungeun's hand held in Jinsoul's. Jinsoul didn't know what to say next. It was as if all her knowledge on how to partake in normal conversation flew out of her mind, reducing her to an awkward girl who didn't know how not to embarrass herself while conversing. How did Jungeun do it? How did she make Jinsoul like this so effortlessly? It almost scared Jinsoul, her stomach tightening as they approached her car again. It was darker now than it was when they arrived, the sun setting above them. God, how long were they in there for? It only felt like a few minutes...

And it was still silent as they drove back, both of them trapped in their own thoughts. Jinsoul remembered how she first met Jungeun. How sexual she was with her, trying to seduce her with her words. She almost laughed at it now, seeing how much that same girl could change her, so completely. And Jinsoul wasn't sure if it was for the better or for the worse, but she was sure that she would never take all those random councidences for granted. Every time they somehow were in the same room together, every time Jinsoul had the guts and confidence that she normally carried, since, she _was_ kind of a playgirl, after all, to talk to Jungeun.

She wondered how everyone else would react if they saw her like this. A softie. Maybe they'd laugh at her. But Jinsoul would only laugh back, because whatever everyone else thought suddenly seemed so irrelevant. Everyone except Jungeun, that is. She remembered how before she got to know Jungeun, the only thing she really cared about was how others perceived her. Well, that- and sex, but hey, she's in college, it's explainable. How Jungeun could so easily control her with the snap of her fingers, make her the person she is right now, was still beyond her.

Maybe Jungeun liked this new side of Jinsoul she brought out, her warmth and ways that her smile could ignite a fire in her heart. Maybe she preferred the one she first met, who's words charmed her, but she'd never admit that. But Jungeun knew in her heart that it wasn't what she said or did to make her fall for her, it was just.. _something_. Something Jungeun could taste at the tip of her tongue but not quite put her finger on, something Jungeun wanted to know, but it was a secret her heart kept for itself.

She didn't know how she had such an impact on Jinsoul. She remembered how different they really were, like the sun and the moon. But when they were together, it was like an eclipse, because despite being so opposite, when they came together, they were one.

And how the sun shined so bright, it was pure and warm to the people it shone over, making the daytime as long as it could before the moon took its place, creating a world of darkness and mystery. How the times and settings were so different, and they each acted as their own, still embracing their individuality. But without each other, they were as good as gone, because what's the purpose of light if there's no dark? What's the purpose of day if there was no night? Why would you shine if there was no darkness to begin with? Why would you create shadow if there was no highlight? Why would there be the sun, if there was no moon?

For Jungeun to be the person she is right now, she needed Jinsoul. And she knew it was the same for Jinsoul's case. She just really hoped that Jinsoul's heart fluttered as much as her own when she thought of their future.

But for Jinsoul, it seemed she was stuck in the present. Her heart beating wildly, mind so foggy but so clear at the same time, it was like her body relied on Jungeun. She never wanted to leave Jungeun's side. Mostly because she really fucking enjoyed her, a lot, but also because she knew that when she left, her heart would be even more of a mess.

"Do you want to go to the movies?" Jinsoul asked suddenly.

"Huh?" Jungeun snapped out of her thoughts and looked over to Jinsoul. "Jinsoul.. It.. It's literally eight at night..."

"And?" Jinsoul asked, still keeping her eyes on the road. Jungeun wanted to roll her eyes and laugh at the same time.

"We have classes tomorrow."

"We don't have to go."

"Yes we do!" Jungeun laughed, flicking Jinsoul, but she was laughing too. "You dummy."

Pausing for a second, Jinsoul asked once again. "You sure? There's a good movie coming-"

"Yes, Jinsoul," Jungeun cut her off. "I'm sure."

Jinsoul sighed hearing that, expression visibly saddening a bit, but she agreed. "Alright. We're almost at your dorm anyway," her voice hid her sadness and fear. She was so fucking scared of leaving Jungeun. Her heart already pained at the idea. She knew what was going to come after leaving her. She knew her heart would never forgive her for falling in love. She knew she should have never broken her only rule. And yet, she still did. Even after she told herself not to, even after Sooyoung told her not to.

She lived her entire life thinking she was immune to love. She never got those butterflies in her stomach thinking about someone, never understood why you'd hold someone that wasn't yourself at such a high pedestal. Why would you value someone so much, give them all of you and every ounce of your loyalty and trust, knowing it could be broken at any time?

And never did she think she was going to allow herself to do that. Never would she open herself up to someone completely. And then Jungeun came along.

Jungeun came along, and ruined Jinsoul's morals completely. Made her totally insane, driven by whatever the fuck she was feeling to convince Jungeun to get into her bed. She still doesn't know how she ended up in her heart, instead. Jungeun came along, and gave Jinsoul these weird fucking feelings.

Why? Why would she do that to her? If you love someone, it's not supposed to be painful. It's supposed to be picturesque, euphoric. But she only felt that when she was with Jungeun. Because when she wasn't, it wasn't fucking _love_ burning in her chest, at least she fucking _hoped_ it wasn't. Because if that was love, Jinsoul wasn't sure if she was ready for it.

She's still young. Still really fucking dumb and new to opening herself up to others. It felt like she was jumping in the water so quick, without checking to see how deep it goes. She saw it and she grasped it, but she doesn't know if she still wanted it.

_God damnit, Jungeun_ , Jinsoul cursed in her mind. _God fucking damnit. Do you know what you do to me?_

Her car slowed as she pulled into the apartment complex parking lot, heart already aching so badly. "I'll walk you," Jinsoul said quickly. "Please."

Jungeun stared at her for a second, almost in confusion, but ended up agreeing. Why did Jinsoul seem so fragile to the idea of leaving her? Jinsoul ran up to Jungeun's side when they exited the car, holding her hand so tightly, like it was the last time she would ever be able to.

_You can't love her._

She walked up the stairs with her until they reached Jungeun's floor.

_It's dangerous._

"Goodbye, princess," Jinsoul said, voice sounding sorrowful.

_Run._

"I had fun today," Jungeun smiled.

_Before it's too late._

"I did, too," Jinsoul blushed.

_You'll never forgive yourself if you stay._

"I... I want to do this again," Jungeun said quickly, still not wanting Jinsoul to leave. She embraced Jinsoul in a small hug, swaying their bodies.

_Please, leave now._

"Me too," Jinsoul said, but her eyes were blank. Her heart pounded rapidly in her chest.

_It will be too late. Run._

"I, uh..." Jungeun stuttered, laughing awkwardly, still holding Jinsoul in her arms as she looked up at her. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

_Now._

Jungeun released herself from Jinsoul as she realized the lack of her response. Jinsoul's mind seemed somewhere else but her eyes still studied Jungeun. "I- I'm sorry, I- That was too quick, it was stupid, I-"

_Please go now. Your heart will hurt so much._

"Yes," Jinsoul interrupted Jungeun, staring deep into her eyes. "Yes, I will be your girlfriend, Jungeun."

_You'll never forgive yourself._

Jungeun's eyes lit up as she pushed her lips onto Jinsoul's for a quick peck, sending sparks throughout Jinsoul's body. "Really!" she sighed happily, pecking Jinsoul's lips again. "I really, really like you, Jinsoul." She stared into Jinsoul's eyes expectantly.

_Don't say it._

"I love you," Jinsoul said through a breath. Jungeun smiled so brightly at that, kissing Jinsoul again, a little longer this time, making Jinsoul crazy.

_Why? You know you're going to suffer..._

"I'm so fucking madly in love with you," she whispered onto Jungeun's lips as she pulled from the kiss. God, her kiss was intoxicating. She squeezed her hand tight one last time. "Good night. You'll see me tomorrow, right?"

_Why won't you listen to your heart? It's screaming for you to stop. Please listen._

"Definitely," Jungeun smiled as she closed the door.

And the second she did so, a tear rolled down Jinsoul's cheek.

_I told you._


	10. nine

Jinsoul's fists curled up into balls, mind agonizingly blank to the point her head teased her, throwing words at her body as if it were nothing. Telling her that she would never be enough for Jungeun, never be able to provide what she deserves. Never be able to love her like she deserves.

Because Jinsoul's love was consuming her alive, this ball of... of feelings she didn't want, rolling down and down a never ending hill, and Jinsoul had no choice but to run away. It was either that or confront it. But running away got tiring, running away made her legs sting and her heart tired, made her mind drained as everything seems to happen at once. But she couldn't confront it because facing her problems fucking sucked, she wouldn't be able to deal with the growing boulder chasing her from the distance, the boulder of burning emotion that threatened to hit and induce her like a drug. To addict her; to make sure she isn't able to live- to breathe without this influence of love, dare she even call it that. The word felt gross on her tongue. Yet, it felt like it belonged. How the burn soothed her, distracted her from the tears in her eyes that made Jungeun's door look blurry and distorted. How it saved her from her mind, letting her escape. Letting her finally, _finally_ be free and feel _nothing_. To have nothing. To be nothing.

It's what she was towards Jungeun. She had to remind herself. Saying it like a mantra in her brain, _She's only playing with your feelings_ , repeating those words like they'd develop meaning to them over time. Because at this point, it did. She couldn't survive- couldn't even _think_ of withdrawal from the high keeping her alive, from the woman who has her heart at its final string.

Her breathing was shallow, scared Jungeun would be able to hear how even after minutes, she stayed there, by her door. After saying goodbye, after closing the door to leave Jinsoul with nothing except the bittersweet company of her tears, after the seconds left between them, Jinsoul was still there. Hopeful that maybe Jungeun would change her mind. Hoping Jungeun would maybe decide she despises Jinsoul and her entirety, hoping that Jungeun carried nothing towards Jinsoul. Nothing except painful hatred, a hate so strong Jinsoul can't breathe anymore, that she chokes up on her own feelings, that she finally faces the boulder hurdling towards her at dramatically increasing speeds. That Jinsoul falls to her knees, watching the boulder as it collided with her, allowing it, embracing the pain, embracing the emotion, letting it consume her alive. Letting it rot each and every one of her bones, until she doesn't know what it's like to feel anymore.

The tears burned on her skin, each of them begging for her to just fucking run, to use her legs and leave, to never look behind before it's all too late. But it is too late. It really is.

Realization hit her like a blinding light in the pitch black darkness, one that causes your eyes to close on instinct, for your palms to cover your face and body to curl in on itself. Or maybe that was just Jinsoul.

_Just fucking run!_

_Idiot!_

_Stop being a fucking lover, stop feeling. Stop fucking feeling!! Stop! Now!!! Stop!!_

_Stop!_

_Please!_

_Please! Please, please, please... Please._

She begged internally, fighting for herself back, fighting for control over her own body.

_It's too late._

_You're gone._

_You're nothing anymore._

A door opened.

A door swung with a quick creak, with such speed the one who opened it might have a broken arm now. Jinsoul opened her eyes as she was on her knees, removing her hands from her eyes and seeing the floor beneath her. There was a dim light illuminating the floor ever so slightly. Her knees were shaking, _fuck_ , every part of her was shaking. Even her voice shook with the tears present in even that, throat coarse as she opened her mouth. " _I'm nothing anymore_."

She looked up slowly, eyes watery and vulnerable like a puppy's, not finding the strength to stand. She blinked, looking up at Jungeun, standing in the doorframe.

She watched her smile. "What do you mean you're nothing? You're mine."

_Why?_

_Why does your heart still warm, looking at her..._

Jinsoul doesn't know how, but a smile creeps its way onto her face. A small, subtle smile, but even so, somehow she feels warm while looking into Jungeun's eyes. She hates how much Jungeun affected her. But even so, it can't change or alter the smile written on her face in the slightest.

"I look kinda pathetic right now, don't I?" Jinsoul laughed, wiping her face with her wrists. She heard Jungeun chuckle, and gosh, it made her feel rebuilt. Safe. Secure. Her legs ached with the urge to run, heart screamed at her to leave, mind begging her to go, but something else, something bigger, argued against that.

Jungeun held out her hand for Jinsoul to grab. "You always look pathetic," Jungeun joked, laughing. Jinsoul stood by Jungeun, hating how she already felt less ache in her heart by seeing her.

"I love you," Jinsoul spoke involuntarily, as if the words had just slipped out of her mouth.

Jungeun blushed, giggling. "Couch or bed?"

"What do you want?"

"It doesn't matter," Jungeun shrugged, but Jinsoul was looking for an actual answer.

"Just pick."

"I dunno. Bed."

The corner of Jinsoul's lips raised, "I think I'll take the bed, too."

Jungeun unwillingly smiled, shaking her head and rolling her eyes at Jinsoul's attempt. "Just promise me you won't take anything too far if you're going to be in my bed with me."

"No promises," Jinsoul giggled a little before Jungeun slapped her shoulder.

"Then you can take the couch."

Jinsoul laughed, hanging onto Jungeun's shoulder as she walked her to her room. Somehow, the pain in her heart was gone. Somehow, a warmer, nicer feeling invaded it. It was terrifying. So, so terrifying. Because no matter how much she says it, Jungeun never said it back;

_I love you._

She could feel her heart try to tremble at the words in her head, but it just _couldn't_. It couldn't feel anything except for warmth. A warmth so hot, with such an uprising in temperature it could melt her body from the inside out; a warmth so sweet yet so bitter, so euphoric yet so fucking _painful_. Because all you can feel, all you can _do_ is play victim to however your heart decides to beat, however it decides to feel; and no matter what you try to do, you can't stop it. Her heart pounded against her chest, full of what she couldn't tell was love or fear.

Did she love Jungeun?

Or is she scared of her?

Scared of not being anything to her? Scared of if this has all been her game, to get the cool girl wrapped around her finger, begging for the reflection of her love being brought back to her, until she is reduced to the shy, fragile girl. The girl made of glass, that if anyone dared to touch, would shatter into a thousand different pieces, left to be a puzzle of broken glass for the next girl to pick up.

And she couldn't tell if that was it- or if she, the glass girl, had already been broken. And Jungeun is here to piece her back together.

"You won't try anything on me?" Jungeun's voice broke the invasive thoughts in Jinsoul's head, reminding her that Jungeun is, indeed, right there, beside her. And as long as she was there, everything would be alright. ..Right?

She noticed how tightly she was clutching onto Jungeun's arm. It had to have hurt. She let go of her grip, straightening her posture. "Are you still scared of me using you for a one night stand?"

Jinsoul couldn't lie- when she saw Jungeun nod, gently biting her lip in caution, worry in her eyes- she could feel it. Finally feel how her heart trembled. How it was never capable of faltering in its beat prior while in Jungeun's company, but suddenly, it decided to change. Why? Why now? Why, right after hope had just begun to build up in Jinsoul's poor, misunderstanding heart. Her poor heart, that still had so much to learn. Love. Trust. Vulnerability. All of that, she gave to Jungeun so easily. Her heart should have known better.

But at the same time, she knows Jungeun cares about her. And that's all that matters. Her heart may hurt, even if she doesn't know why, but in the end, she got what she want.

"Jungeun... Look at me," Jinsoul said, grabbing Jungeun's hands. "I won't do anything. I can sleep on the couch. But I just want you to know- I don't think of you as a quick fuck. Okay- well- at first, maybe. But... But now... I dunno. I can't explain. It's weird. You do weird things to me, Jungeun. I would never do that to you anymore. I promise."

Jungeun looked down at their interlocked hands, how Jinsoul's thumb ran slowly up and down her knuckles. Jungeun smiled. She knew Jinsoul was different. Different than that fuckgirl persona she wore. She wanted to laugh, remembering how head over heels she used to be for the act. Now, she thinks she prefers this Jinsoul. It's more comforting, in a way, to have her here like this. She lost track of time as it seemed frozen standing there with her, only silence filling the long gaps of nothingness. It was so nice. Having Jinsoul by her side seemed so natural.

Her head snapped back up as she heard Jinsoul yawn, mouth stretching open wide as she blinked tiredly. Jungeun giggled, pulling Jinsoul into a hug, swaying their bodies from one foot to the other.

"Goodnight, Jinsoul," she whispered into Jinsoul's ear.

"You're so cute," Jinsoul mumbled tiredly, grogginess present in her voice. She smiled into the crook of Jungeun's neck, inhaling her perfume. God, she felt like such a fucking creep, but she wanted to stay there forever. She felt warm and safe and happy in the moment, in Jungeun's arms, and right now, she didn't want to think of the consequences on her heart later. "Cutie."

Jungeun laughed at the nickname, eyelids starting to droop down. "You think we should go to bed?"

"Yeah," Jinsoul's voice could barely be heard, but Jungeun understood. She watched as Jinsoul stepped back and looked over to the couch.

Before Jinsoul could advance a step, Jungeun placed a light grasp onto her arm, halting her movements. Jinsoul looked over at Jungeun with tired, doe-like eyes. "You can go in my bed," Jungeun offered, smiling softly.

Jinsoul nodded, taking a second to register, but making quick steps toward the bed, wanting to just sleep. Falling down onto the mattress almost instantly, not even bothering to tuck herself in, Jungeun laughed at her.

She pulled a blanket over the tired figure, sitting down next to her, playing with her soft, messy locks. "You know... When you said yes to me... to be my girlfriend..." Jungeun whispered, getting shy and flustered by just mentioning it, combing her fingers gently through the hair at Jinsoul's scalp. "I think I was the happiest person in the world." Jungeun couldn't help but to smile, the feeling of butterflies flying in her stomach which she once hated suddenly felt beautiful. She felt so beautiful, with Jinsoul. She sat there, watching Jinsoul's chest rise up and down slowly, her hot breath hitting Jungeun's skin. "Jinsoul?" Jungeun whispered, voice barely above a breath. Instead of a response, she was only met with the peaceful breathing of her girlfriend.

She chuckled to herself, "Goodnight, Jinsoul." She laid beside the sleeping girl, huddling in her warmth, wrapping an arm against her waist. "I hope you have the sweetest dreams."

\---

The sound of an obnoxious beeping emerged from the alarm clock that sat on Jungeun's nightstand, ringing through her ears. Groaning, she unwillingly opened her eyes. She reached around aimlessly until her hand hit the alarm clock, shutting it off as she rubbed her eyes.

"Jungeun?" The sudden voice startled her, opening her eyes wide and blinking to fix her blurry vision. "Good morning," she could hear the smile in the phrase.

Jungeun adjusted to waking up as a lazy smile crept onto her face. "Morning~" she replied. She couldn't help but to feel happy, especially after waking up with Jinsoul in her arms.

"We have school today," Jinsoul reminded Jungeun, who was still practically asleep.

"Mm," Jungeun hummed, only half-processing the words. "We don't have to go."

Jinsoul couldn't help but to laugh at the statement. "You were the one complaining about not wanting to miss school last night."

"I changed my mind."

Jinsoul tried to suppress the grin that threatened to sneak onto her face. She pushed a stray piece of hair behind Jungeun's ear. "Let's get ready."

Before Jungeun could dispute, Jinsoul got up from the bed and out from Jungeun's arms, heading towards the closet. Jungeun watched as Jinsoul went through each of the shirts that hung up there, looking for one of her style. Jungeun yawned, stretching her arms out as she sat up on the bed.

"Why don't you have any good clothes?" Jinsoul frowned, still rummaging through the selection.

"Watch it," Jungeun warned. "I'm your girlfriend, you know."

Jinsoul giggled, "I know. You keep bringing it up."

"I'm trying to make myself believe it's not just a dream."

"Maybe it is. I don't remember being anyone's girlfriend. Last time I checked I just wanted to fuck a hundred people," Jinsoul joked, laughing.

"Who knows. You are Jung Jinsoul, after all," Jungeun shrugged.

"What does that mean?"

" _I'm Jinsoul_ ," Jungeun mimicked playfully. " _I like girls who are hard to get. One day I'll fuck Jungeun_." Jinsoul slapped Jungeun's shoulder as she laughed.

"That's not what I sound like."

"Then what do you sound like?"

"An angel," Jinsoul smiled in a cooing voice.

"You wish," Jungeun snorted.

Jinsoul scoffed, going back to the closet, still unsuccessful in her hunt for clothes.

"You know," Jungeun brought up. "You can just wear the same clothes you did yesterday. It's college. Literally no one will care."

"How would you know?" Jinsoul tested.

"If no one cared before, why would they care now?" Jungeun suggested. Jinsoul rolled her eyes, crossing her arms as she turned to face Jungeun. "Tell me I'm wrong."

Jinsoul smiled, shaking her head as she went towards the bed to sit next to Jungeun. "You're wrong."

"No I'm not. I'm always right."

"You're just asking me to reprimand you," Jinsoul said as she looked into Jungeun's eyes.

"You stink. Why are you in my house," Jungeun teased, pushing Jinsoul lightly.

"Just be quiet and let me love you," Jinsoul smiled.

Jungeun couldn't help but to smile back, no matter how much she didn't want to. "You confuse me," she said, standing up as she grabbed a hoodie laying on her desk, sliding it over her head. "One second you tease me and the next you are all soft and mushy. Pick one or the other."

Jinsoul chuckled, standing up beside Jungeun. "Let's go to class." Jungeun nodded, sliding her hand into Jinsoul's, Jinsoul blushing at the movement. _If only you knew the things you do to me, Kim Jungeun._

They walked silently towards the campus, allowing Jinsoul's heart to beat so loudly she was convinced Jungeun could hear it, a provoking pain catching fire in the pit of her stomach at the thought of separating to go to classes.

_God damnit_. She tried to extinguish the flames, igniting towards her heart alarmingly fast. As they walked closer and closer to the door, the door leading inside the school, where they would have to leave each other to go to class- everything only became reality too late, Jinsoul biting her lip to chase away the need to ask Jungeun to skip class today. To just be with her instead.

Jinsoul froze in front of the glass door, staring back at her own reflection. She could feel her palm begin to sweat, immediately pulling it back to her side and out from Jungeun's hand. Gulping, she felt Jungeun's stare on her, feeling the question she was about to ask. _Are you okay?_ So before she could, she swung the door open with sudden force, letting Jungeun step in first.

"I'll see you next period," Jungeun waved, going up the flight of stairs after kissing Jinsoul on the cheek.

Jinsoul wanted to speak. She desperately wanted to say something, to say anything back to Jungeun, but everything got caught in her throat. She could only watch as Jungeun ran up the stairs, without her. Why did it hurt? Why did it hurt to let her go, even just momentarily? She stood pathetically in the middle of the hallway, until she lost sight of Jungeun completely.

Somehow, it felt like she couldn't breathe. Like her only oxygen source had been taken away from her, and her lungs had grown cold, useless. She wanted to move but she felt stuck in place, looking up hopelessly at the crowded staircase. She wished she could've said goodbye earlier. She wished her heart hadn't caught feelings so easily, after promising to herself it was dead and useless. Love is cruel. More cruel than anything. It seems like fiction, the time you spend with the one you hold so dearly, it seems like an amazing fantasy that never ends- until it does. Until it stops and puts ache upon your heart, until your mind decides it doesn't want to love anymore. Only to hurt. It's like a switch, on and off, that Jinsoul had no control over, that Jungeun got to fiddle with as she pleased, convincing Jinsoul's heart of something that is only fiction.

Was it always going to be like this? Did it hurt for everyone? Jinsoul felt greedy, jealous, selfish- she always wanted more. Too much was never enough, she wanted Jungeun all the time. She wanted her to be all hers, a semi-psychotic urge in her bubbling up and boiling in the pit of her stomach, trying to chase it away as she walked quickly to her class. _Quicker. Quicker._ She felt like stumbling over her own feet, but never fell. The voice in her head called to Jinsoul to leave- leave before it all becomes too much- leave and never look back. And no matter how hard Jinsoul tried, how was it ever going to work? It would always fail. She's only a product of her own imagination, after all. Only a character made in her own brain who lives vicariously in the skin of a human- giving life to this personality. She isn't Jinsoul. She is only her brain, only the control center of this walking, talking creature. Controlling every move, every decision, every hard-hit feeling like a sadistic puppeteer, playing her own body like a marionette. Every thought isn't the thought of her own- no, it's the thought of her brain. She isn't Jinsoul. She doesn't know who she is anymore. She is only a product for Jungeun. Why did her brain force it to be like this? Why is she doing this to herself?

Not paying attention, she collided into the body of another, falling over as she heard the person gasp.

"Jinsoul! Are you okay?" She reached out a hand for the fallen girl.

"H-huh... Sooyoung?" Jinsoul snapped back to reality. "Oh, Sooyoung..." Jinsoul sighed as she realized who it was, instantly attaching herself onto Sooyoung, hugging her tight. "I don't know if I can do this.. I-I... I don't know if I can love her."

Sooyoung's jaw fell slightly at her words, feeling how her shirt became wet with Jinsoul's tears so suddenly. She rubbed Jinsoul's back comfortingly, holding her close. "It's okay... Shh... Listen to me... It's okay..." She felt Jinsoul's breath hitch with her sobs, trying to contain them as much as she can, not wanting to start a scene, despite the hallway being practically empty. "You don't have to love her. You don't."

"But... But I... Already do," Jinsoul's whines we're partially muffled as she talked into the crook of Sooyoung's neck. "She asked me to be her girlfriend."

Sooyoung hummed, "You said yes?" She felt Jinsoul nod. Exhaling a heavy breath, Sooyoung bit her lip, not knowing exactly what to do. "Jinsoul..." Her voice was soft, comforting. She spoke as if her words could break her. "Loving someone is a big commitment. It's going to be weird. It's going to be painful. It's going to be the thing that ruins you. And sometimes... You're just not ready for it. Sometimes it's hard to settle down. I get it. I really do. You'll be alright, though. I promise."

Jinsoul's breath was shaky but her tears were gone, still hiding her face in Sooyoung's neck. "I l-love her so fucking much..."

"I know," Sooyoung nodded. "I know... But... Maybe... Maybe it's not love. Love isn't supposed to consume you alive. Love isn't supposed to make you feel like this. I'm really sorry, Jinsoul. I'm really, really sorry."

"I don't... Love her?"

"You do. But love isn't meant for some people."

Jinsoul thought she ran out of tears. But somehow, hearing that... Hearing that love wasn't made for her, that in the end, Jungeun would only do more harm for her than good... It hit her. It hit her hard. She felt limp, immovable. "No... No, don't say that, please-"

"Shh," Sooyoung quieted Jinsoul down before she could freak out. "I can't make decisions for you. But I can tell you what I think is best for you. I don't like seeing you like this. I don't like seeing you hurting. But if you're happy..." Sooyoung took in a breath. "Then don't let me- don't let _anyone_ stop you."

Jinsoul nodded, biting her lip. Sooyoung pulled Jinsoul out of her arms, looking at her to make sure she's okay. "You should get to class," Sooyoung advised. Jinsoul nodded, and without another word, left to the same wooden door she was greeted by every weekday, opening it, expecting everyone's eyes to be on her, since she's late.

"Jinsoul?" The professor questioned, raising an eyebrow at her presence. "It's second period now. You missed this class."

"O-oh. Sorry," Jinsoul said, running out the door, face red from embarrassment. She wished she still had the confidence she had before getting into this Jungeun situation. Everything would be a lot easier.

She dragged her body to the music room, opening the door, dragging herself to the first empty seat she found.

"Late again, Miss Jung?" The professor asked.

Jinsoul rolled her eyes, "Just go on with it. Scold me, whatever. You have a class to teach."

The professor stopped for a moment. Sighing, she loosened up. "Bad day?" She asked.

"I guess," Jinsoul shrugged. "I don't really want to talk about it."

The professor nodded, continuing with the lesson as Jinsoul got a laptop and logged in to follow along. "There are hundreds of chord progressions, most consisting of some kind of musical pattern of conduct. The strongest influence starts at a goal of chord progression, building off of that to explore other musically strong ways to reach this chord." The words made little sense to Jinsoul but the subject in itself came easily. She documented whatever important notes she needed as the professor's lectures rang through her ears.

"The I chord, the goal of any chord progression in a major key, can be approached in the strongest way by an authentic cadence-" Jinsoul's fingers flew across the keyboard before a notification popped up on her screen.

_1 new email notification._

She clicked on it out of curiosity, the professor's words becoming out of focus, as she clicked away on her screen.

_hey. u okay? i saved you a seat next to me..._

She read the message, confused until she looked at the name; Jungeun.

"Shit," Jinsoul mumbled below her breath, quickly typing back a response.

_oh my gosh i'm so sorry i stink what kind of girlfriend am i i am so sorry i was tired and i will never stop hating myself for this._

She looked over at Jungeun, who was looking back at Jinsoul as well, a fake pout on her face. "Sorry," Jinsoul mouthed.

"It's fine," Jungeun mouthed back, smiling.

Suddenly, Jinsoul felt guilt eat at her stomach. She sighed, feeling so emotionally numb- yet so emotionally full at the same time. She hated this feeling, hated what her mind was telling her; _Sooyoung is right._

She didn't want to think that. If she could just think about something else, anything else, she would. She didn't like thinking about it. Because the more she thought about it, the more convinced she was. _No. I'm happy with Jungeun. Of course I am. I'd never want it any other way._

Except- that was a lie.

She isn't happy.

Only in Jungeun's presence, only when she's right there with her, only when she gets to relieve the ache in her chest. Only then, is she happy. And, only then... Is she happy?

She hated thinking about it. Hated thinking that Sooyoung was right. She isn't. She wasn't. She'll never be. At least Jinsoul hoped she'd never be.

Why did time go so fast when she was with Jungeun? Why do the moments with her come and go, like a leaf in the wind? Why does everything else pass by as if time has been slowed down, for the pain to be enabled to simmer for an elongated time in her chest?

"Alright, class is dismissed. Have a nice day," the professor ends the class, causing Jinsoul to bolt out of her seat immediately. Faintly, she could hear her name being called, but something in her told her to keep walking, to leave before Jungeun could see her. She knows what would happen if she saw her again.

Her feet were quick against the floor, walking fast towards her third period class. Approaching the door, she swung it open and slid in the room as fast as she could, noticing the empty room. Jinsoul was never the first person in class, causing the teacher to raise an eyebrow. _You're a terrible person, Jinsoul. What the fuck was that._ Jinsoul breathed heavily, immediately regretting not seeing her own fucking girlfriend after class.

The professor cleared his throat, causing Jinsoul to look over his way. "Y-yes, Mr. Kim?" Jinsoul said, shakiness in her voice.

"Are you alright, Jinsoul? You look-"

"Yes!" Jinsoul exclaimed, becoming tired with everyone asking her that today. "Yes, I'm fine, Mr. Kim! In fact, I'm perfect!! See, I'm the first one in class. That never happens, right? It's a good day... A really... good... day.." Jinsoul's voice became weaker as the sentence continued, suddenly feeling light headed.

"Jinsoul, sit down," Mr. Kim suggested, taking Jinsoul's arm and leading her to a seat, sitting down next to her. "I think you're lying."

"How would you know?" Jinsoul said, looking down at the table, finding herself unable to make eye contact with her professor. She smiled in spite of herself, "Everything's beautiful. Everyone is happy today. Can't you see? See their smiles- see my smile? I did my notes. I'm caught up on my work. I got asked out by the person I like. I have everything I wanted. I'm okay. I got what I wanted. I'm fine. I'm perfectly..." Jinsoul stopped as a tear rolled down her cheek. "-fine."

It didn't take long for Mr. Kim to know the double meaning to all of that. "Jinsoul... I understand. Things get complicated. You always think you'll be happy when you get what you want, correct? And then it comes... and... it feels incomplete. Like it wasn't what you wanted, nor expected. I know how you feel, Jinsoul. But tell me, is it just like you wanted? Does it feel good, to be living like this? With everything ideal that you could want? Or does something still feel missing- like an important part of you is gone?"

Jinsoul had no clue how Mr. Kim had done it. How he had explained it all. How he put what she couldn't into words, fitting all the puzzle pieces together when Jinsoul couldn't. "This is so stupid," Jinsoul muttered, laughing bitterly as she shook her head. "I won't let the pain win. This is so dumb. I feel so... cliche. Like every teen girl in those movies. God damnit, I feel like I'm in a fucking movie," Mr. Kim eyed Jinsoul at her choice of wording. "Sorry. Didn't mean to use profanity. But Mr. Kim..." She looked up at him. "Thank you."

Before Mr. Kim could respond, the door swung open as more students crowded in. He patted Jinsoul on the shoulder, "You will do just fine." He smiled as he walked back to his desk.

_Yeah_ , Jinsoul smiled. _I'll be just fine._

\---

The wall was cold against Jinsoul's back. She stood, waiting at the memory-striking place that made her smile fondly, despite everything. She remembered how she first talked to Jungeun here, waiting for her by the library. What if Jinsoul never did that? What if she never went to talk to her that one day? She laughed to herself, she'd probably be having a lot more fun right now. But it's okay, she thinks. She'd rather be with Jungeun anyway.

She won't let the pain rip her apart. She won't let it tear her away from Jungeun. It felt weird, trying to turn off your mind. Trying to live in the moment. But maybe that's what it would take. She looked at the clock hanging on the wall parallel to her. Jungeun should be coming any minute.

She smiled, excited to see her again after the long day of classes, ignoring the fire in her chest. She remembered their date yesterday. How, _finally_ , Jinsoul didn't fuck up. Not even a little. And now that she thinks about it- if she could go back in the past and change it, make sure she didn't fuck up the first time- she wouldn't. She thinks about it now as less of a regret and more of a journey. She's grown from it, hasn't she? And without fucking up all those times, maybe Jinsoul wouldn't be here right now. Maybe Jungeun would have given up on her earlier. She felt a sense of pride in that, looking back up at the clock.

It's okay to be a few minutes late. Jungeun was probably busy with a teacher or something. Jinsoul couldn't help but to think that maybe Jungeun is as excited to see Jinsoul as Jinsoul is to see her. Not to mention the fact that they're officially dating- a fact that brought an odd sensation to the pit of Jinsoul's stomach. She smiled, still doing her best to ignore her emotions, building up more and more as the minutes go by.

She looked at her reflection in the window from the door across from her, fixing her hair. She studied her mirror image, eyes staring back at her own. She wondered; how exactly did Jungeun come to like her? What did she do to swoon her? To make her feel happy?

_Wow_ , she grinned, looking down at her feet, getting shy at her own thoughts. _I really do make her happy, huh?_

It's weird to think about- that you make someone you care about just as happy as they make you. So, truly, maybe there is a purpose. That there is something to smile about, when others think of you. That the people you care for, the people you talk to, they all smile like the way they make you smile. And- if you think about it- there has been so many smiles you've caused in the past. Because of you. Jinsoul wondered, how much has she made Jungeun happy? How many times has she made Jungeun smile at just the thought of her?

And that was even weirder- to think that Jungeun thinks about her. Because, in all likelihood, she probably does. Jinsoul wished Jungeun could see the wonders she did for her self confidence, whether it be what she says, does, or thinks. Anything. Just being with her in general.

Jinsoul's feet got tired, back sliding against the wall until she was sitting down against it, fiddling with her fingers. She wondered when Jungeun was going to come. It's been thirty minutes since classes ended.

_Just wait a little more. She'll be here soon._

She persevered, despite the growing nerve and pain in her stomach and chest, not wanting to give up on Jungeun. She wouldn't want to disappoint her again, after everything just became good. She worried, maybe she already disappointed her. Remembering how she ran away from Jungeun today, she wanted to face-palm herself. Maybe that's why she isn't coming. But Jungeun wouldn't hold a grudge against Jinsoul for that. Right.

She hummed to herself a tune of a song she heard on the radio yesterday, looking back up to the clock. She looked left and right, but there was no one, not even a single sound. You could hear a pin drop in this kind of dead silence.

Suddenly, the library door opened, and somehow, Jinsoul expected it to be Jungeun. God damnit. She should've checked inside the library. She was probably already in there. Standing up, she smiled. "Hey Jung- _Oh_ ," Jinsoul's voice faltered, noticing the librarian. "Uh... sorry... Mrs. Jeon..."

"Hm? Jinsoul?" She turned towards her. "Were you looking for me?"

"No," Jinsoul said quickly. "Uh, no. Hey- was Jungeun in there, by chance?"

"Jungeun... Hmm... I don't believe so."

"Oh."

Jinsoul's face softened, losing its excitement and glow. She watched as Mrs. Jeon walked down the hallway, watching her with lost eyes.

She found herself walking back to the front of the school, exiting the doors and walking down the sidewalk, leading to the dorms in which Jungeun lived.

Her feet ran faster than her body could take, breathing heavily as her shoes smacked loudly against the pavement beneath her. It was already chilly, but running made it feel ten times colder, goosebumps raising across her skin as the wind pierced her eyes.

She turned around the corner to the tall building that held Jungeun's dorm, body already leaning in on itself from running cramps. She dragged herself up the stairs and to Jungeun's door, breathing heavily as she knocked twice on the wooden door.

The door swung open, greeting a wet-haired Jungeun in pajamas. "Hello~" Jungeun singsonged.

"Hi," Jinsoul greeted, still out of breath, hands on her knees as she tried to keep herself up. "Why... weren't you... at the library?" She asked between pants.

"I thought you didn't want to see me," Jungeun replied nonchalantly.

"Wh-what?!" Jinsoul stood up straight, eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "Where'd you get that idea?!"

"You kinda ignored me? Unless you already forgot?"

"Oh, god, don't tell me you're mad..." Jinsoul whined, closing her eyes in annoyance.

"No. I'm not. Just curious," Jungeun said as she pulled Jinsoul in, sitting her on the couch, taking a seat next to her. "I just want answers."

"..Okay?" Jinsoul responded, waiting for the question.

"Do you.. oh my god.. is it that difficult.." Jungeun facepalmed herself in the same annoyance Jinsoul had. "Comprehension and interpretation are very nice skills to have, Jinsoul."

"...What," Jinsoul replied monotonously with an emotionless face, still confused.

"Why'd you ignore me today?" Jungeun summed it up. "And really... don't tell me you didn't hear me. We both know you did."

"It's complicated."

"What's complicated?"

Jinsoul let out a long sigh, "I dunno."

"..Jinsoul."

"Sorry."

"You didn't answer me," Jungeun brought up.

"I know," Jinsoul sighed again. "I can't explain. I don't want to hurt you."

"What... What?" Jungeun asked, confused.

"Jungeun. Please."

Jungeun rolled her eyes, shaking her head as she itched the back of her neck. "I wish I could be mad at you, you dumb butt."

Jinsoul chuckled, relieved. She found herself walking towards Jungeun's bedroom, liking how the sheets smelt like her. She laid there, closing her eyes peacefully, listening to the floorboards creak as Jungeun stood in the doorway, watching her.

"Y'know, with you, I feel like an old married couple. You're so weird," Jungeun laughed at Jinsoul.

"Glad to hear that," Jinsoul giggled. Jungeun smiled stupidly at the girl who laid on her bed, the girl who found her way into Jungeun's heart. She walked over to the bed, lying down right next to Jinsoul, staring into the eyes that held Jungeun's entire world. She cupped Jinsoul's face with a light touch, resting her forehead against Jinsoul's, breathing in her air, thriving in her touch.

"You make me feel so loved," Jungeun cooed, staring at each detail of Jinsoul's face. "You make me feel like infinity. I can't explain." Jungeun's thumb caressed Jinsoul's cheekbone. Jinsoul chuckled shyly at the compliments, face blushing pink. "And I love your stupid jokes. I love the lines on your face when you smile a lot. I really love it all. There's nothing I don't love about you." The corners of Jungeun's mouth curved upward, forming a sweet smile as she watched Jinsoul try to hide her face, all flustered. "I love your eyes that hide the galaxy," Jungeun placed a gentle kiss against the curve of Jinsoul's nose. "I love how your laugh lightens up my day infinitely," another kiss by the apple of Jinsoul's cheek, on each side. "I even love the days you confuse me.. When you make me fall for you over and over again, in a million ways that I wish I could explain," her pecks fluttered across each detail of the blush covering Jinsoul's face. "I wish I could tell you how I fall for you in every way. I wish I could show you the world, show you everything you've ever wanted to see."

God. God, did it make Jinsoul's heart flutter scarily to hear everything. Her heart beat faster against her chest than ever before, fearful it was going to burst out or stop any second. A longing, a painful longing bloomed in Jinsoul's heart, feeding off of the sweet coos. Every cold, isolated part of her body possible felt warm, soft... it was so beautiful, but so terrifying. So, so terrifying. The beating of her heart confused her, still high off of the drug of Jungeun's love. She wished she knew how to handle this feeling.

"I love you so much," Jungeun muttered, making Jinsoul's heart clench painfully. "I'm so in love with you, fuck. I'd do anything for you."

Jinsoul licked her lips nervously, still not making eye contact with Jungeun as her heart beat rapidly in her chest. God, it hurt. So badly. Why is love so cruel?

But she couldn't say anything. She'd never let herself. She wanted Jungeun to have the world and more, truly, she did, and she didn't want to hurt Jungeun by confessing her own pain. If she had to live like this for Jungeun to be happy... She'd do it.

"You would do anything for me?" Jinsoul repeated, bringing a hand to Jungeun's back to mindlessly trace hearts into it.

Jungeun still longed for eye contact, but Jinsoul was too scared to look in her eyes again. She was afraid her heart wouldn't be able to take it. This feeling only inflates larger and larger, constantly being fooled by becoming the euphoric kind she was always told about. The one in movies, where love seems so easy and painless. That's what Jinsoul wanted. But euphoria never stayed. She sighed, love wasn't made for her poor heart. She wasn't ready for love. It was so fucking painful, an extreme weight on her chest and cloud in her head, only getting worse the longer she was with Jungeun. She was afraid Jungeun would catch on, afraid she'd find out about her agony being played inside her chest.

"Anything," Jungeun nodded, playing with Jinsoul's hair. Jinsoul hummed to that, swallowing thickly.

She wanted to be honest with Jungeun, wanted to let her know everything and open up completely, but that was so dangerous. How would her heart react at that? It was already beating so wildly, afraid it would jump out of her chest any moment. Her eyes grew teary as she kept thinking, how she can't be open with Jungeun. How she will never be able to. She didn't want to hurt Jungeun. She was so fucking scared of hurting her again, she'd never be able to live with herself if that happened. Her heart and soul were at war, one trying so desperately to escape and the other never wanting to leave where she is. It felt like she was being ripped in half, her mind playing her like a fool once again, making sure Jinsoul knew she isn't and will never be in control of her own body. That as long as she's with Jungeun, hurt and pain and brutal fucking self questioning will accompany as well. Every day. She was never safe, living in her own body.

How does Jungeun love a creature like her? How did she keep coming back, after Jinsoul gave her disappointment after disappointment. Jungeun deserved someone better than Jinsoul. Jinsoul was being selfish, keeping her all to herself, never leaving her side. Jungeun deserved so much better, Jinsoul would never be able to offer her the love she deserved. Her heart ached so fucking badly, knowing she was only a burden to Jungeun. This fucking pain would never leave her alone, spreading like a wildfire throughout her entire body. She was afraid even the touch of her fingertips would soon give this pain to Jungeun. Slowly, she scooted out of Jungeun's touch, with unnoticed tears leaving trails on her face.

"Find someone better than me..." Jinsoul said, chest heaving dramatically. Jungeun looked up at her, so confused. What does this even mean? Her chest clenched as Jinsoul continued, "I want you to find someone better than me. You.. You deserve someone better than me."

Jungeun immediately jolted up, sitting down on the mattress next to Jinsoul. No way. She was never leaving Jinsoul's side again. She feared Jinsoul's words, her heart beating faster in her chest.

"What.. What do you mean?" Jungeun swallowed the itch in her throat.

Jinsoul wanted to look at Jungeun. Just once. Once more, but her heart felt under threat by the thought. So instead, she closed her eyes. Closed them tight and imagined Jungeun, imagined her smile, her sparkly eyes, the wrinkles near her eyes as she smiled. The smile Jinsoul loved to see. The smile that could make her feel, despite herself and the world, as if she were soaring above, with a familiar churn in her stomach she could never grow comfortable with. One that somehow always felt new, every time it came up again.

With Jungeun, she was in utopia.

But she knew better. She knew what Jungeun deserved, and it isn't someone like her; someone like Jinsoul. She deserves someone who can give back the unconditional love she gives. Someone who isn't afraid of their feelings. Someone who can know, without a doubt, that right there, by Jungeun's side, is where they want to be. Jinsoul couldn't offer that. No matter how much her body and soul yearns for her, she doesn't know when her heart will be able to take it- if ever.

"Jungeun... Do you really love me?" Jinsoul asked. Jungeun was quiet. Probably shocked. But Jinsoul didn't want to open her eyes to check.

"That- I... Jinsoul, what are you talking about?" Jungeun stammered.

"Please," Jinsoul pleaded. "Please say no. It will hurt less. Please."

Jungeun didn't answer. Jinsoul closed her eyes tighter.

"Jungeun," Jinsoul spoke louder, more angrily. "Jungeun... I..." Her voice softened to a whimper, voice shaky as a tear slipped from her forcefully closed eyes. "Please," she breathed out.

"Why?" Jungeun asked, concerned. "You don't... Do you not love me?"

Jinsoul bit her lip at those words. _Stop crying_. She couldn't say anything, too afraid to sound weak.

Jungeun licked her lips, not knowing what to say. The silence was tense, she could feel it stirring in the air, but she didn't want to bother Jinsoul. She never knew, after all this time, after finally trusting someone with love again... That this could happen. That it could all come tumbling down, just like that. So really- it's okay. She's okay. As long as Jinsoul is happy. And if she's not happy with her, it shouldn't matter about whether or not Jungeun is- as long as Jinsoul is happy. As long as Jinsoul is happy.

She repeated it in her mind, trying to convince herself it didn't hurt each time. Because it didn't. She was fine. If Jinsoul is happier that way, it was okay. It didn't hurt. Really.

"I..." Jungeun tried to talk, but suddenly, as if a trigger went off, she could feel her throat coarse up and eyes well, heart feeling like it had been grabbed, ripped brutally out of her chest. Love doesn't exist. Love isn't fucking real. Jungeun knew now. But even then, she can't stop herself from fucking loving Jinsoul. Love isn't real, Jinsoul just knew how to tug on Jungeun's heart. At least Jungeun fucking hoped that was the case.

"I'm s-sorry," Jinsoul cried out, still feeling too guilty to dare glance at her. "I love you. So much. And I promise I'll come back. Just promise me you'll wait."

There was ache in Jungeun's heart- but she wanted to believe. She wanted to have hope. So even as her heart clenched, even as tears fell down her face, there would be hope. "I will always wait for you."

Jinsoul inhaled shakily, hand roaming around until it closed around Jungeun's, "I'll be ready soon, my love. Just wait for me."

And as if in a second, Jinsoul was gone. As if it were all a dream- all that time spent with her. Maybe it was. Maybe if Jungeun convinced herself it was, it would hurt less. She still felt the warmth on the sheets, where Jinsoul used to lay. She laid her hand flat onto it, balling her fist as she clutched onto the fabric tightly. "Please come back soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't the end fear not
> 
> i can feel the angry/sad comments coming in so i'll say it here; SORRY DJDKGKFKF


	11. ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg :( the last chapter

Separation hurts.

But so did partnership.

Jinsoul knew pain doesn't just come and go like seasons. She knew how pain loved to linger in the parts of your chest you could never reach, the parts of your mind you could never escape. The almost sadistic longing for the thing that brings you all of this pain; the source of your suffering and yet the source of your happiness. Your everything, your nothing, your world and more and somehow you feel like you're on cloud nine and six feet deep simultaneously.

As the day went by- only the fourth day without Jungeun- she was ready to give into that longing. But she knew it was wrong, that afterwards she'd be in the exact same place as she is right now- wrapped in two heavy blankets, finishing her third tub of ice cream in the last twelve hours.

"Jinsoul, you can't hide in your room forever," she heard her roommate's voice, slightly muted by the door that separated them.

"Yes I can," Jinsoul insisted, spooning another scoop of ice cream into her mouth.

Jinsoul felt like there were no more tears. No more feeling. But with that, there was the caved feeling deep inside her heart of this oddly brutal emptiness. And somehow, she preferred the feeling of sadness and pain than she did this emptiness, because now, she couldn't shake off feeling like the cheapest piece of garbage. Feeling so worthless and emotionally worn out, so tired yet an insomniac to the idea of rest. The epitome of nothingness, locked down and built into her system, veins shooting an indescribable feeling down to even the tips of her toes. She felt so... So broken. So beaten. So confused. So eager to feel something again. So eager to feel the same electricity spark in her veins, the same spark she experiences every time Jungeun's lips land on her own.

She missed Jungeun a lot. But slowly, the hope down in some corner of her mind seemed a little closer. Everyday, she felt maybe this was it. Today is the day she'd feel even a little bit better. Of course, that feeling never came, but the assurance that one day it would was nice. She just wasn't sure how many days, that is, until she can stop hiding forever.

"The professors are gonna stop believing you one of these days," Sooyoung announced, fumbling with the locked door handle. "God damnit Jinsoul, stop being angsty and just open up. You're not a thirteen year old girl."

"Stop generalizing teen girls," Jinsoul argued, throat coarse.

"You knew what I meant," Sooyoung sighed, leaning her forehead against the door. "Listen, even if you don't open this door, I'm gonna talk to you. Whether you like it or not. And if I can't come in, you also can't chase me away or shut me up. Your choice."

Rolling her eyes in defeat, Jinsoul unwrapped herself from the only comfort support she had left and walked hastily towards the locked door, twisting it open, greeted by the face of Sooyoung. She could hear her mutter a ' _finally_ ' under her breath, but Jinsoul chose to ignore it, letting her inside, and proceeding to close the door once again.

"Why are you listening to Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge?" Sooyoung's eyebrows knotted together as she could hear from across the room the album that blared through Jinsoul's headphones.

"Shut up. It's a good album. I needed it," Jinsoul defended herself.

"You're such an emo, I can't believe..." Sooyoung tried hard to suppress a laugh, shaking her head.

The room was quiet for the next minute, Sooyoung's presence adding a weird tension in the room. Not that it was awkward having her see the empty ice cream cartons that scattered the floor, tissues thrown lazily around her bed, and the numerous My Chemical Romance songs that played from her phone, blasting loudly through her headphones that Jinsoul didn't bother putting back on.

"You know..." Jinsoul interrupted the silence with a quiet, but still audible, voice. "I haven't listened to this album in forever. Feels kinda good to hear it again. Reminds me of my sad teenage days."

"..Why do you want to be reminded of your sad teenage days?"

Jinsoul shrugged, tapping her foot to the beat of _Thank You For The Venom_. "Unplug my headphones."

Smiling, Sooyoung reluctantly pulled out the cord connecting Jinsoul's headphones to her phone. She raised her head back up to see Jinsoul smiling a little, bopping her head to the instrumental solo of the song playing. Jinsoul laughed a little, realizing how weird the moment was. And seeing Sooyoung laugh, too, she felt a certain lightness in her heart.

_You'll never make me leave,_

"I wear this on my sleeve," Jinsoul sang along, pretending to hold a microphone as she sang and laughed for Sooyoung. "You wanna follow something, give me a-" Jinsoul inhaled sharply, "- _BETTER CAUSE TO LEAD_ ," she laughed, genuinely, for the first time in what felt like a really long time. She smiled at that fact, but mostly because of the laughing girl in front of her.

"You're so dumb," Sooyoung said through laughter, but the smile written on her face argued she loved it.

Rather than replying, Jinsoul continued stupidly pretending to air guitar, feeling like the only person on the earth. She forgot how good it felt to laugh with your friends. She really needed to catch up with Jiwoo, and Viian, and all her other friends she hasn't really talked to in such a long time. She really forgot how much they meant to her. How much of a special place they're held in her heart.

Once she grew exhausted and _Thank You For The Venom_ slowly transitioned to _To The End_ , which transitioned to _Give Em Hell, Kid_ , she sat on top of her desk, mindlessly talking with Sooyoung about the most unnecessary and dumb topics, but it felt nice. It felt familiar. Like she had no more struggles in her heart. She didn't even realize the lyrics that played in the background to _Give Em Hell, Kid_ that once reminded her so much of Jungeun, instead it became the nostalgic soundtrack to the mindless chatting of her and Sooyoung.

And for the first time that week, the first time that _month_ , she fell asleep peacefully; without a worry about tomorrow or Jungeun. Something felt so good about this, so amazing, like she was back to her routes. Back to living life as an ignorant college kid with her equally dumb roommate- equally dumb _friend_. Back to smiling at the sight of the morning sun rising and the smell of burning breakfast from _master chef_ Sooyoung.

Back to actually _smiling_ at the thought of leaving her room- back to actually _leaving her room_. It was a bigger accomplishment than it sounded.

And slowly, she was doing it. She was becoming happy on her own.

Maybe it took a week of avoiding all her classes and faking a sickness to her college professors, but when you disregard the piles of work Jinsoul's bound to get bombarded with, her happiness was finally achieved again. Without that certain someone who she depended so much on, she felt like she could finally breathe again.

And to think all it would take was an MCR album and a little bit of a performance.

"What time is it?" Jinsoul asked, walking towards Sooyoung and sitting beside her on the couch.

Sooyoung paused the movie to look down at her phone, turning it on to check the time for Jinsoul. "It's 2am. Go to bed."

"I could say the same to you," Jinsoul argued.

"No, see, I'm watching this movie for psychology class. I'm studying," Sooyoung declared, unpausing the film.

Jinsoul studied the screen for thirty seconds with knitted eyebrows, trying to draw any conclusion to how the fuck this was considered _studying_ for _psychology_. "Sooyoung, you're watching Halloweentown..."

"Yeah. And?"

Jinsoul blinked, almost in disbelief.

"Discredit me then," Sooyoung trialed.

"I- Wh- What?" Jinsoul broke out into laughter, staring confused at Sooyoung's unwavering form, too prideful to admit she's slacking.

"They have minds. There's some kind of psychology there. Prove me wrong. You can't."

Jinsoul shook her head, too busy laughing at Sooyoung's idiocy to reply.

"Okay- boohoo if I'm not _actually_ studying. Dealing with your situation has been my study enough. I could write an essay on your emotions and how that links to each of the parts of your mind and your receptiveness to sociality and physicality and everything around that. You're literally like... human homework."

"..What," Jinsoul replied monotonously.

"Well- you and your situation with she-who-shall-not-be-named-because-I-don't-know-how-emotionally-stable-you-are-when-she-is-mentioned, that gave me pretty much enough information on the essay I have to write about the links between the human brain and love; I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. I've seen how the mind reacts to love in both positive and negative ways, and how physical affection brings about emotional connection- and vice versa- to complete the tragically gorgeous tales of Jinsoul's sad, sad love life."

Jinsoul chuckled, rolling her eyes and punching Sooyoung's shoulder, "Shut up." She looked over at Sooyoung, who- despite what Jinsoul thought- wasn't laughing. Instead, Sooyoung looked empathetically towards Jinsoul, almost with pity. "Wh-What? Is there something on my face?"

"Jinsoul," Sooyoung started, the movie still playing in the background long forgotten by the both of them. "You... You _are_ okay, right? Like... You've moved on?"

"What? Uh... Yeah. I suppose. Why?"

Sooyoung studied Jinsoul's face, eyes searching desperately for something but being left with an unsaid answer. "You're not lying?"

Jinsoul quickly shook her head, as if to say, _no, I'd never lie to you, Sooyoung_.

With a sigh, Sooyoung continued, "I think... Please don't get mad at me. But I think you're better off without her."

For some reason unknown, Jinsoul's eyes widened at that. She hasn't talked to Jungeun in almost two weeks. And it's true- she's in a way better mindset now. But she didn't have to be _told_ that.

Sooyoung watched Jinsoul's face, careful with her choice of words. "You've been... happier.. since you left. I've seen it. I've seen the you that I haven't seen in so long. The bright, happy smile that you give me when you have not a care in the world. When you don't have to worry about... commitment. I really love seeing you like this. But I hate seeing you live in fear, _constant_ fear."

Jinsoul gulped, nodding. She tried to stop the stinging in her eyes.

"And.. I know you really wanted to get back with her eventually. But... but, I don't think it's worth it. You know..? You're so happy right now, without her. Just think about it- when you're around her- are you _really_ as happy as that? Are you _really_ as happy as I've seen you been, these past couple of days?" Sooyoung asked, almost rhetorically, but still leaving the answer open-ended in Jinsoul's arms.

It didn't hurt for so long. Jinsoul swore, she was doing so good. She just wasn't ready to hear this yet.

She didn't want to keep it in anymore. She learned from that; keeping it in just makes you less happy overall. So, with a quick sigh, she collapsed into Sooyoung's arms and cried into her shoulder- and it felt _good_. It felt so good to not bottle up her emotions, to let them out just as easily as she let them in. To just cry, and cry and cry, that's all she wanted.

She wasn't in pain. She wasn't hurt.

She just wasn't ready.

And she was scared, because what Sooyoung said was true; she'll never _be_ ready.

"It's okay. Let it out. I'm proud of you. It takes a lot to be able to let it out immediately. I'm so, so proud of you. Look at you. You've come such a long way," Sooyoung cooed into Jinsoul's ear, praising her lovingly, like a mother to a child, as she rubbed her back in slow, up and down motions. "You're so strong. A fighter. You pulled yourself up when you were at your lowest. Do you know how great that is? And I think you're so good, by yourself. You don't need anyone else. It's good that you're learning. It's good, _you're_ good. Okay? You're good. Promise me you know this."

Jinsoul nodded, tears stopping as she listened to Sooyoung's calming voice. "Thank you," Jinsoul muttered, smiling. "You're really my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Sooyoung laughed, "You'd be lost without me. Now go get some sleep, you dumdum."

Jinsoul looked at Sooyoung and smiled, before getting up and walking down towards her bedroom. Of course, not entering her room before turning around to shout down the hallway, "Good night!" waiting for the echoed response from Sooyoung.

And with that, she smiled.

Again.

\---

Jinsoul woke up to the sound of her phone ringing, for probably minutes now. With a groan, she checked to see the urgent caller, eyes half-lidded and motions slow with sleep. Her phone screen was bright, hurting her eyes as she looked at it, immediately closing her eyes shut. Squinting to avoid the brightness as much as possible, she felt fully awake when she saw the caller ID.

_Jungeun_.

"Shit, shit, shit.." Jinsoul muttered beneath her breath, wondering why she had been calling so much. She stared wide-eyes now at her phone screen, sitting up with the straightest posture she's had in a while.

Should she just let it ring away until Jungeun gives up? Should she decline the call? Leave the room and go to Sooyoung? The devil on her shoulder began to whisper into her ear, telling her to _pick up the call, talk to her_. She chewed on her nails, contemplating her next movements already, her thumb hovering over the answer button.

She wished picking up the call was an accident. But the second she heard Jungeun's sweet voice again, she knew it wasn't.

"Jinsoul!" She heard her nearly shout from over the line. "It's been so long... I miss you. I know I should have given you space but I-"

"I get it," Jinsoul cut off. "Believe me. It's.. hard. But I need time, Jungeun," the name felt like sugar as it rolled off Jinsoul's tongue. "I want to be happy all the time. Not just with you."

She could almost hear the frown in Jungeun's voice, "Oh." With a sigh, Jungeun continued, "I... I miss you. I still love you."

"Jungeun, you're making this difficult..."

"I know..." Jungeun said sadly. "I'll hang up now. But please... when you're ready... come back. For me?"

Jinsoul nodded, even though Jungeun couldn't see. And with that- she hung up.

Suddenly, Jinsoul thought, maybe she is a little happier. Because as they hung up, there was no pain in her chest.

Maybe she was ready.

\---

It was dumb, Jinsoul knew it was, to still be thinking of Jungeun even in class. But she did notice that now, she could focus a little better. She could write notes a little easier. Smiling didn't seem like such a hard task anymore- let alone a rare occurrence. Even as she walked down the once dreaded hall towards the lunch room, she found herself smiling.

"Jinsoul," Jiwoo spoke from beside her, with the same smile she always wore. Jinsoul looked back at her, with a mirroring smile. "You look happier. I'm glad. What's up?"

Jiwoo jogged up to walk near Jinsoul's side, just like how they walked together before this whole Jungeun situation. "I dunno. I started focusing on myself more recently, I guess, and... And I think I can function on my own again," Jinsoul said with a proud smile.

"That's great!" Jiwoo exclaimed. "recovering from this kind of stuff is hard, I know it must be. But since you're good now..." Jiwoo wiggled her eyebrows. "I _am_ hosting a party tonight. You should totally come."

Jinsoul laughed, not having to think too much about it. "Definitely. Hey, I'll come over after class to help set up," Jinsoul offered with a hand on Jiwoo's shoulder.

Jiwoo took Jinsoul's hand from off her shoulder to her own, swinging their interlocked hands as they walked down the hall smiling.

"Can't wait," Jiwoo singsonged.

Jungeun stood at her locker in awe, watching Jinsoul walk happily hand-in-hand with Jiwoo. She could feel her eyes well up as she tucked her lip beneath her teeth, holding in her emotions to the best of her ability. She wished she could walk up to her and tear Jiwoo's hand from Jinsoul's, but she couldn't. She could only stand there and watch.

So is this what Jinsoul left her for? For Jiwoo? Was that it? She felt lied to, felt betrayed. A mix of anger and sadness shot through her system, jealous rage reddening her face. She watched Jiwoo lean her head on Jinsoul's shoulder as they kept walking off, and before she could stop herself, she found her feet marching towards their direction, keeping a careful distance still between them, trying to hear their conversation that was obviously _oh so funny_ , considering how Jinsoul laughed with that same habit of lowering her head as she laughed, sometimes using her hand to cover her mouth.

Surges of frustration shot like bullets through her system, fists clenched tightly as the blinked until her tears stopped blurring her vision.

"-later tonight, but probably not soon," she heard Jiwoo explain something. She tried not to look suspicious or draw attention to herself, so she pulled out her phone to pretend she was scrolling through her feed.

"Huh," Jinsoul mumbled. "But how would I get to your house then?"

Jungeun felt her ears heat up as she quickly tried to blink away more tears before they could slip from her eyes. So she's going to Jiwoo's house. Okay. Fine. Great. Amazing. Why would Jungeun care? She shook her head to herself, trying to clear the loud thoughts in her mind.

"I'll just drive you. I'll pick you up before I go, and we can get coffee or something too, while we're at it," Jiwoo suggested.

Jungeun never wanted to yell more than right now. She wanted to pry Jiwoo off of Jinsoul and kiss Jinsoul until she forgets Jiwoo even exists, wanted to remind Jinsoul that they never fucking broke up, she was still _hers_. It even sounded possessive in her head, but with the red-hot anger burning up her skin, she couldn't fucking care less.

She looked up to see Jinsoul smiling softly at Jiwoo's offer, how she squeezed Jiwoo's hand a little tighter as she nodded happily, eyes wide and puppy-like. God, Jungeun wanted to do anything to separate them right now and make Jinsoul look at _her_ instead, hold _her_ hand like that instead. Her stomach churned and blood boiled, exhaling loudly to ease her emotions.

"Great. We can do the party tomorrow instead, I don't think there'd be much time left after that anyway today," Jiwoo explained.

"Sounds good," Jinsoul agreed. "I'm so excited, I haven't been to a cafe in forever..."

Jungeun bit the inside of her cheek, suppressing anything from coming out of her mouth. Didn't they fucking go to a cafe together, like, what, _three weeks ago_? Did Jinsoul already fucking forget about that, too?

She tried so hard not to pull Jinsoul into her arms and remind her who exactly made Jinsoul feel that happy first. She watched as Jiwoo said something she couldn't even hear from all the blood rushing to her ears and how Jinsoul giggled at it, like how she used to giggle at Jungeun's jokes.

Having enough of it, Jungeun stormed to Jinsoul, a forceful hand on her shoulder ripping her from Jiwoo, stealing her lips in a jealousy-filled kiss.

Jinsoul's eyes went wide, too taken by surprise to kiss back, feeling Jungeun bite on her lower lip, causing her to yelp. "Do I have to fucking remind you who it is that can kiss you like this?" Jungeun spoke lowly, voice deep, continuing to crash her lips upon Jinsoul's in a sloppy kiss. Jinsoul could feel Jungeun's anger, feel her jealousy.

"Are you," Jinsoul spoke every time she could, "Jealous?" She felt a laugh threaten to find its way out of her throat, smiling a little as if she had won some sort of competition.

Jungeun growled angrily, hands tightening on Jinsoul's shoulders with a bruising grip, making Jinsoul sigh. Jinsoul knew she shouldn't be doing this, but something about Jungeun's lips seemed so delicious that she couldn't pull herself away. She could hear Jiwoo call her name, confused, but instead she focused on returning the kiss Jungeun was giving her, hands planted on Jungeun's waist, forgetting about everyone else in the hallway full of people. Once her eyes closed, Jungeun was the only person with her.

"You just wanted to peeve me so _badly_ , didn't you?" Jungeun spoke onto Jinsoul's lips. "Wanted to make me mad. Huh? Is that what you wanted?"

Jinsoul shook her head.

"Words," Jungeun reminded her.

"No," Jinsoul quickly responded. "Jiwoo's just my friend."

"Yeah," Jungeun laughed, pulling away from Jinsoul to look at her kiss-swollen lips. "Friend who takes you to the cafe, drives you around... Sounds kinda fucking familiar, right?"

Jinsoul but her lip, not wanting to speak.

"I fucking told you to _speak_ ," Jungeun growled.

"Stop," Jinsoul insisted. "I.. I don't have anything to say! So what if I want to date her? What if I do?" She decided to play devil's advocate, crossing her arms.

"I wouldn't exactly be _happy_ with that," Jungeun rolled her eyes, then stared into Jinsoul's, looking for the lie. But she couldn't find one, causing her to falter in her stance, loosening from her tense form. "You- You don't want to... do you?"

Jinsoul knew she didn't. But she was too far in now and, being driven by anger, she reached her hand out towards Jiwoo, to which she immediately accepted. "Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to." Jiwoo stood by Jinsoul's side in shock, beyond confused on whatever the fuck was happening in front of her.

Jungeun couldn't even pretend to be unaffected by those words and actions anymore, even if she wanted to. "What the fuck?" She spat. "You leave for however many weeks and come back thinking you fucking _own_ the world, like you can do the same shit you did when we first met. Literally... What the fuck? I don't understand- can't understand, even if I tried to! You haven't changed. You really did just want to get into my pants this whole fucking time, huh?" Jungeun let out a bitter laugh, running a hand through her hair, averting her eyes to look at anything else before deciding to just close them. She didn't think she could get more pissed off, but after Jinsoul didn't even _bother_ to say anything to that, each nerve in her body exploded. "I'm in fucking awe, with how dumb I could be. I'm so blind. So fucking dumb. I should have known better than to trust Jung Jinsoul, the school-wide fuckgirl." She opened her eyes, which were now blurry with tears, wiping her face quickly to remove any signs of weakness, but even her voice trembled. "To think I actually fucking l-loved you..."

Jinsoul's mouth dropped, feeling her own eyes tear up as well. Her hand loosened from its grip on Jiwoo's, falling flat to her side. "Jungeun, I-"

"No," Jungeun cut off, raising a hand in the air to stop Jinsoul from speaking. "I don't want to hear it. Have fun with Jiwoo. Really. I mean it."

And just like that, she walked away.

Jinsoul sighed, an open palm welcoming her face as she snatch herself on her forehead, shaking her head in disbelief. "I'm so stupid..." Jinsoul muttered.

Jiwoo placed a comforting hand on Jinsoul's back, rubbing up and down soothingly. "Hey, it's okay. Do what's best for you. You don't have to go with me tonight if you don't want to. You don't have to go to the party, either."

"I don't actually, like, _like_ you, you know," Jinsoul clarified.

"I figured," Jiwoo shrugged. "You're an upfront person. You would've told me. I know you still like Jungeun. It's okay."

"Y-you like me?" Jinsoul scrunched her eyebrows.

"What, no!" Jiwoo quickly denied. "I just... we're _friends_ , that's it. I would never ask for more than that," she smiled gently.

Jinsoul nodded with content, looking back at Jiwoo. "You think I can crash at your place tonight?"

Jiwoo sighed, "I wanted to do that party, but if you want to, I can do it some other time."

Jinsoul felt guilty already, because she knew Jiwoo would do that for her. "No, have fun. Throw that party. I'll just be sleeping the entire time if I went over, anyway. I'm exhausted."

Jiwoo hummed in agreement, "Me too."

"I think I'm just gonna skip my other classes and go home..." Jinsoul sighed.

"You should do that."

Jinsoul nodded, "I will."

For the first night in a long time, Jinsoul cried herself to sleep.

\---

"Jinsoul?"

Jinsoul looked up to see Jungeun standing in the doorway. Furrowing her eyebrows, she blinked a few times to make sure she wasn't hallucinating.

"Where's Sooyoung?" Jinsoul asked. She knew that it Sooyoung were here, Jungeun wouldn't have been in her room right now.

"Not here," Jungeun said softly, taking only one step forward. "I just wanted to say sorry.. for.. what I said yesterday. That was really shitty of me. You're allowed to be happy without me and I don't control you. You are your own person, and you get to make your own decisions, even if they hurt me. So if I made you upset, I'm sorry."

Jinsoul blinked, not exactly sure what to do. She wasn't expecting an apology. She sat up, bunching up the blanket beneath her and tracing nonsense onto it, doing anything to avoid eye contact.

"And," Jungeun continued, seeing how Jinsoul wasn't going to respond. "I shouldn't have kissed you either. I didn't give you space and I understand that you've moved on, I just couldn't control my temper."

Jinsoul stayed quiet for a minute at that, letting Jungeun stand there awkwardly. She drew a flower with her fingertips onto the bed sheet. "I never said I've moved on," Jinsoul said softly.

Jungeun's breath hitched in hope. "S-so you-"

"Don't get ideas from that, though. I don't know what's wrong or right for me anymore. I still love you. And what you said yesterday..." Jinsoul sighed at the memory. "It hurt."

"I know. I'm sorry. I know those weren't your motives."

The room was quiet, filled with such an awkward tension, like two exes meeting again. Was that what this was? Were they broken up? Or were they still together? It wasn't exactly talked about between them, so it was confusing.

"You know," Jungeun interrupted the silence, along with Jinsoul's thoughts. "I still love you, too. A lot."

Jinsoul nodded.

With a sad-sounding sigh, Jungeun turned to leave the room. But before she could, Jinsoul leapt out of her bed, grabbing onto Jungeun's wrist tightly. "Don't go," she pleaded.

Jungeun stared into Jinsoul's eyes, struggling with sticking to her mind and leaving, as her heart told her to stay.

They stood there, staring down at their hands awkwardly, and Jinsoul wasn't exactly sure why she had asked Jungeun to stay. She just wanted her here, wanted her presence. Jungeun looked up, staring at Jinsoul's cute features.

"You're beautiful, you know," Jungeun informed, a weak smile on her face.

Jinsoul smiled back, nodding as she tucked her hair behind her ear. She didn't know why her eyes began to well.

"Can I kiss you?" Jungeun asked bravely, going against the strong feeling in her gut telling her to run away before she gets hurt. Jinsoul stared at Jungeun with an unreadable expression, eyes holding back any sort of emotion desperately as she looked quickly at her feet, blinking away the stinging pain in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," Jinsoul rejected, itching the back of her neck nervously. Jungeun sighed, biting her lip in painful acceptance. She wanted to speak but there was nothing to say, no words to fill in the silence of this deadbeat moment. She felt something inside her chest tremble, as if she was letting go of the best part of herself.

Jinsoul felt her heart beat wildly in her chest, staring at her feet as if she were unable to look anywhere else, unable to move her head and just take the slightest glance at Jungeun. But Jinsoul knew better now. She knew how much it would hurt. And she knew how much time your heart can take to heal.

Maybe she'd never be able to let go of Jungeun, fine. Maybe she'd never escape the feeling in her heart at the thought of her, fine. She could accept that. She could accept that she'd never move on from Jungeun. Everything just felt too right with her. But simultaneously, everything felt too much with her.

Yes, there is too much love. Too much hope. Too much trust. There is always room for too much. It hurt to acknowledge. And yet, she still felt that same twinge of happiness beneath the hurt and pain that encaged it. She smiled at that.

Jungeun carved her into the person she is right now, and she would never forget that. She would never forget all the feelings she felt because of her, or how good she felt in the beginning, before she fell in too deep. She loved Jungeun. Truly, with such a passion she couldn't describe with enough words; the feeling of winning the lottery and spending it all immediately, greedily, selfishly. She was keeping Jungeun all to herself, but she now understood that she'd never be enough for her- even if Jungeun loved her, too. Jinsoul could simply never offer her the things she deserves.

Jinsoul took sharp and short breaths, trying hard not to let her emotions get the best of her. Even if it felt wrong, she knew she was doing the right thing. She tried to smile at the thought, even a forced smile would do, but she just couldn't. She couldn't lie to herself and say she was happy by letting Jungeun go. With that thought, Jinsoul's eyes began to pool again, and before she could blink them away, tears came streaming down her cheeks, one by one, slowly, hoping each tear was going to be the last she sheds for Jungeun.

"Jinsoul..." Jungeun whispered, voice barely over a breath. She took a cautious step closer to Jinsoul, hand hovering over her tear-stained cheek. Jinsoul felt the warmth of Jungeun's ghosting hand, hesitantly bring her own hand up to Jungeun's, holding it gently as she eased her face into Jungeun's palm.

"I'm doing this for you," Jinsoul admitted, closing her eyes as she rested in Jungeun's touch, feeling at peace for the first time since she left her. "For you to be happy."

Jungeun licked her dry lips, staring at Jinsoul in confusion and disbelief, but still said nothing. She didn't trust her voice.

"A-and, I just wanted you to know, I do love you. I'll never stop loving you. But... but I don't think... I don't think we should be together," Jinsoul continued, gathering her shaky breaths.

Jungeun swallowed the lump in her throat as she tried to ignore the ache in her stomach as Jinsoul said that. She couldn't tell if a fire had set aflame in her heart at that, or if the fire already burning there was just painfully put out. Her mind was running like crazy and yet she could still barely process anything. She opened her mouth to speak, but her mouth felt dry, suddenly yearning for closure, for understanding, for something. She peered back at Jinsoul, how her chest moved up and down with each intake and exhale of her breath. How her fist was curled up at her side, knuckles turning white, in contrast to her other hand, engulfing Jungeun's hand with her own in a soft touch.

"Please," Jungeun begged for something, for some sort of answer. This couldn't be the end. It just couldn't.

But when she felt Jinsoul slide from out of her gentle grasp, maybe it was.

"Don't," Jinsoul warned as she turned her back, ready to finally walk away.

She sighed, heart collapsing as she realized this would be the final time. The last time she'd ever walk away again.

Looking back at Jungeun from over her shoulder, she couldn't help but to feel that familiar spark of ecstasy course through her veins as she saw her again. The same feeling she got when she really talked to Jungeun for the first time, when she sat by her at the school library and apologized for being a douche. She smiled at the warm feeling rising in her gut.

Her dignity urged her to walk away but her feet stayed planted in the same place, watching Jungeun carefully, scrunching her eyebrows and biting her lip. What she had once done to Jungeun has returned to smack her across the face. The only thing she had ever been any good at was now a familiar feeling to her.

Breaking a heart.

Jungeun wished she wasn't so impulsive. Because instead of letting Jinsoul leave like she should have, she quickly reached out for her wrist and pulled Jinsoul's face in by her chin, connecting their lips in the softest kiss imaginable, too afraid to scare Jinsoul away. She didn't want to pull away, didn't want their lips to disconnect in fear that after this it really will be all over. 

And maybe she was right.

Because the second she did; she felt it.

Finally felt the world collapse around her.

Looking into those eyes of Jinsoul's, still starry even when watery with unshed tears, she wished she didn't feel that burning in her stomach. The burning telling her that she didn't have enough, she wasn't full, wasn't satisfied, that she needed to kiss Jinsoul again. She didn't realize her hand on Jinsoul's cheek, or how it molded so perfectly upon it, it just felt so natural. With all her might, she was trying to keep it together. Trying not to love the most loved person in her life.

Jungeun looked like a lost puppy, so confused, so conflicted. Her hand began to itch and burn as it laid upon Jinsoul's skin, as if venom was being injected into her palm. But it was okay. Closing her eyes and embracing the sickeningly sweet feeling of the venom as she could almost feel it pouring through her veins, corrupting her, burning her body in bright beautiful flames from the inside out.

For a second, she could feel it. Feel how much Jinsoul loved her. Feel how beautiful she made her feel, all this time. And then, she knew; she was on top of the world. Even as it may be falling apart all around her, something ecstatic shot from her toes to each corner of her mouth, turning it into the softest, most gentle smile, as she felt infinity. She finally understood how much Jinsoul loved her. And she felt so gorgeous.

She dared to open her eyes, wanting nothing more than to just enjoy seeing Jinsoul again, as this poison seeped through everything inside of her and she felt tragically euphoric. And she saw her- the most beautiful girl. The love of her life. The one she'd stop the world for. The one she loved and will love for what might be forever. Because right now, it feels like forever. She wanted it to stay that way, to the end of time. Just her and Jinsoul.

She seemed to feel lost again, in those eyes, those eyes that told a million stories, spoke a thousand words, made Jungeun fall in love a hundred times. She really loved her. She watched as a small smile formed on Jinsoul's face, as she blinked slowly and stared right back at Jungeun as if she were the only girl in the world.

She was loved.

So loved.

Venom never tasted sweeter, Jungeun realized, as she could feel the tingling taste of Jinsoul linger on the tip of her tongue, begging for a little bit more. But she thinks she'd rather look at Jinsoul. It was almost amazing; how slow time could feel. How as she felt her body relax into the feeling of burnt flower petals and rose colored cobwebs, feeling so empty and so amazingly full inside. Feeling every ounce of her being die while luminescent hope fluttered into her broken heart.

"Please," Jungeun spoke before she could stop herself. "Let me make you feel beautiful." She looked into Jinsoul's eyes and felt everything in her body tremble. God, she wanted Jinsoul to know how lovely she is. She wanted her to believe she is as beautiful as Jungeun sees her.

Jinsoul brought a hand to Jungeun's chest, tracing with her thumb around Jungeun's heart. "I've never felt more beautiful," she confessed, stepping closer to rest her head on Jungeun's shoulder.

Jungeun swore she had the world in her hands as she wrapped her arms around Jinsoul's waist. Silence never sounded better, here in Jinsoul's proximity. Flowers bloomed just as much as they died in Jungeun's heart, but each time Jinsoul's thumb swiped over it, it beat a little bit faster, maybe finding a new pep in its step. Sometimes, words weren't needed. And right now, no words could correctly shape the feeling right now; and Jungeun was sure it was mutual.

Leaving Jinsoul was the last thing Jungeun was ever going to do. She'll never be left from her, her name tattooed into her heart. For some reason, it warmed her. It felt nice knowing Jinsoul was the one to hold that place. Even if Jinsoul didn't want Jungeun's name on her own heart.

She knew she would have to let Jinsoul out of her arms eventually, but for now, she wanted to stay there, sure that there was no greater warmth in the universe. Every inch of her skin burned, red hot inflammation that Jungeun decided to ignore, the only thing she listened to now was her heart; her heart that beat beautifully for Jinsoul. This was all she knew- how to love Jinsoul. This was home.

Jungeun found one of her hands tracing up Jinsoul's spine, up to the nape of her neck, circling with a light touch onto the skin. Jinsoul's presence was intoxicating, Jungeun felt so drunk off of her entire being. It felt familiar; similar to when they first kissed at the party. Except maybe this time Jinsoul wouldn't run away. Maybe she'd like to stay in her arms forever this time.

With that thought, Jungeun swore she could feel every part of herself shut down, slowly, agonizingly. She knew she couldn't be greedy anymore. Knew she had to do what was right for Jinsoul. To let her see new things, let her explore new beginnings, let her meet new people. No matter how much it hurt deep inside her chest, she knew what she had to do. The burning cities held in her lungs made her want to cough up the dust and ash, but at the same time, she feels like she's soaring in the sky with the stars. She opened her mouth to spew the words she held anxiously in her stomach, afraid to finally say them because she knew what would come next.

"You really do mean the world to me," Jungeun whispered, only loud enough for Jinsoul to barely hear. "I love you. Thank you. For everything." Jungeun let her head fall into the crook of Jinsoul's neck, inhaling her intoxicating scent like it was the last time she was going to. "I think... I think I'm ready to let you go now."

Jinsoul tensed up at those words, clutching onto Jungeun a little bit tighter before pulling her head away, forcing Jungeun to look at her. Wow, Jungeun really is the best person she'll ever meet, huh? She was so pretty; so smart and funny, witty and delicate. For a second, she rethought every decision she's made, everything that led her to this moment. Because somehow, she didn't feel that pain in her chest anymore. She looked at Jinsoul and felt something so nice instead, something she couldn't exactly explain other than the feeling of hot water upon cold hands, a summer sun in the midst of winter. She looked at Jungeun and knew, this was where she was meant to be. It even sounded cliche in her head, like the romantic movie she cried to a few days ago. But then again, she wouldn't trade it for the world.

"Just a little longer..." The words fell out of Jinsoul's lips more than she spoke them, coming naturally off her tongue. She felt... So good. So, so incredibly good as she got to stare deep into Jungeun's eyes and not feel the wicked beating of her heart. Instead, her heart beat like a steady drum, playing a rhythm just for Jungeun. She wondered if Jungeun could hear it. If she liked how the tune of her love beat in Jinsoul's heart.

Slowly, Jungeun could feel the venom invading even her fingertips, her touch on Jinsoul suddenly loosening, as if she were scared it was going to decay her gorgeously beating heart. She stood, hands at her side, staring at Jinsoul with eyes that not even she could decode. It felt like venom eating her alive as she got to watch the person she loved slip away. And the feeling only persisted the longer that she couldn't say it, couldn't ask.

"Please don't leave me," Jungeun couldn't catch her own breath, couldn't chase after the words as they climbed up her throat and out of her mouth. "You are my everything. I have anything I could've ever wanted with you. Don't leave me."

The longer Jinsoul stood there without a reply, the more Jungeun could feel poison turn into daggers beneath her skin; what was this? Heartbreak? Jungeun licked her lips, mouth suddenly dry.

What if she had never met Jinsoul? She wouldn't be feeling like this right now. Her body aching to somehow convince Jinsoul to stay. Everything that led up to this moment felt like a distant memory, like the present was the only thing that had ever happened.

"I'm so greedy. I need you," Jungeun begged. "You shine brighter than the stars and you make me feel like the luckiest person on Earth. Tell me if you're leaving. I can't take it."

"I'm," Jinsoul said immediately. "I'm not.. I'm not leaving. I never will. I'm sorry. I love you."

At once, Jungeun felt every bad feeling in her slip away, the poison no longer occupying her as she heard those fateful, amazing words. And it felt like all she needed to hear ever, that Jinsoul loved her. That she was never going to leave her. Immediately, her lips found their way onto Jinsoul's, kissing with all the joy and love she held.

It felt so good to kiss her. To know that for a while now, she would be the only one kissing her. Her only one.

Neither of them could help the tears that slipped through their eyes, lips connected in the most heart-glittering kiss. Nothing would ever compare to this. They both knew, even as they pulled away, that each other's hearts were only beating for one another.

It was beautiful, it even felt magical, like this was all unreal, maybe even a dream. But if it was, Jinsoul could say with all her assurance that she would never want to wake up. She loved Jungeun, and she will forever, until the dawns of each morning and twilights of each afternoon. The smile Jungeun flashed towards Jinsoul was the most genuine, angelic grin she could ever imagine, and she was so happy. So happy to stay with her, forever and ever. Over and over.


	12. thank you!

my heart is literally so full omg... thank you guys a ton. i know thank you notes aren't exactly formal in books but i have to say something.

writing oao has been one of the best things i've decided to do. i still can't believe how i managed to get people into my book, and by that i don't mean "i'm a terrible author and my books suck :(", but that i never really expected attention. i write for fun, and i write for myself. everything that ever happened in oao was because i wanted it to lmao! but i decided to share my stories one day and i really cannot believe how far they've gone...

and i'm not trying to be sappy!! i just wanted to genuinely thank you guys. every time i got praise on my writing i felt my heart warm. i think that if it weren't for all of you guys, i would have stopped writing so much by now.

i will admit, when updates started getting slower (like... noticeably slower. once a month probably), i wasn't really the happiest i could be, and i never had the motivation to write. but because of that, i wanted to make this ending the best it could be, i wanted it to be something i can be very proud with what i wrote. and although it may not be perfection, flaws are always a beautiful thing in books.

i wanted my characters to be HUMAN. they have ups and downs. they're flawed. but because of that, my goal was to be able to make the readers understand them more. i wanted their emotions to not be words on a page, but a message portrayed by literacy. i wanted to be able to _feel_ my characters' emotions, not just read them. i wanted to cry, smile, feel second hand embarrassment. i want to show that nothing is perfect. love itself cannot be perfect. love is messy. love is complicated and it can tear you apart. but love is euphoric. it's a one-of-a-kind feeling that's hard to find elsewhere. something that you could sacrifice everything for. i hope i portrayed all of this correctly!

you guys are literally the sweetest. i'm not lying one bit when i say thank you guys so so much for showing your appreciation towards my works. every comment, every kudo, every hit is so special and i really thank you guys for reading. i can only hope you have enjoyed my fics, and that as i work harder and improve in the future you will still support me.

this has been such a fucking joy to write, every publish made me smile in anticipation thinking of your reactions. i've had so much fun writing this and it is one of my favorites i've ever written. of course, there will be future fics i am excited to work on as well... ;)

it still amazes me that you guys have shown me so much love and appreciation, i hope you all know i love you guys just the same. also- sorry for making you cry, lmao. but, with that, i hope you smiled and laughed reading this fic, too!

hahah i probably sound so cliche and stupid.. but really. i fear you guys won't know how much i appreciate you. i really do. but unfortunately, all i can give you in return for your kudos, hits, heartwarming messages and comments are my fics. hopefully it's adequate, though!!

there are some really amazing authors in this fandom. i've been categorized as one of the most powerful ones by some readers, and holy shit, i blushed hard. u guys are so sweet i love you. thank u!!!

thank you for reading! thank you for liking my story! (at least i hope lmao.) thank you for showing me gratitude for my writing, a hobby of mine i do purely for fun becoming one that i get to share with you guys. becoming a journey i get to explore not alone, but alongside you guys too. i don't even know how to explain it.

i never once thought, at the very beginning, that there would be people actually talking about my fics, people crying from them, people complimenting them... etc. i'm so smiley writing this, oh my gosh djdjdkfmdjs. but in all sincerity, i thank you for everything. am i extra for writing a giant ass thank you note? okay, maybe. but really.

as i go forward in the future, i hope you continue to support me, and i will continue to supply you. thank you for reading over and over. i hope you enjoyed it as much as i have!

-loonaloves


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